A
female
age
22-25,
anonymous
writes:Awhile ago, I posted a question and well another issue has arisen. I'm a 19 year old trying to get my parents to start letting go now as in loosening their grip on me a little. I know for a fact that I really started growing up since I was 15 years old. I really handled my school life/studies etc on my own. The thing is, my parents just like refuse to see that I have matured so much and that I really can decide for myself. Not sure if this has anything to do with the situation but like since I was young, I've always done what my parents said, no questions asked. Perhaps because of this, they think that I can't think for myself? (Could be a possible reason). I really want them to trust that I can decide for myself and start believing that Im not some incompetent child. The main issue here is about relationships (well, guys). Recently, when I was 17-18, I started going out with friends on weekends (not every weekend) for movies, food etc. and just last year a high school friend of mine (a guy) and we went out, and I was particularly shocked that my parents were fine with that. But now, another guy has come along and he's actually an old friend of mine and we met when we were kids (11 years old) and kept in touch until now and well we went out twice. I'm trying to get my parents to like this guy as much as they liked the high school guy.. I kinda notice that my parents kinda refuse to get to know this guy as they favour my high school friend. Anyways, this new guy is in a sports circle and I used to compete as well and the parents in this circle just knows each other. So, some rumour went round that I was dating this guy and one of the parents called up my mum and told her what she had heard. (These parents tend to gossip A LOT and rumours spread like wild fire I tell ya!) ANYWAYS, I mean me and him had seen each other twice, definitely not an item! He and I know that the rumours might've started from when I saw him at a competition and we chatted and I suppose people saw us getting more friendly and that people knew we were hanging out. But, the main thing is, after my mum heard about this, she told me that I'm no longer allowed to go out with guys alone. ALL BECAUSE OF A RUMOUR LIKE THAT. I was just looking at her kinda shocked. I mean, me and him know what we are to each other and we haven't done anything that crosses the friend barrier. I'm just kinda annoyed that my mum would just tell me that I'm not allowed to go out anymore. Not sure what to do about this. I mean I enjoy the guy's company and we can really talk about stuff (we chat on WhatsApp too). I felt like it was going really well until this happened. And I especially hated that my mum said "Oh during our time, we never did this kind of thing" - going out with a guy- and I looked at her and wondered if she realised that I'm not brought up during her time which was like 1969 when she was 19! I just kinda feel like, I wish my parents didn't react the way that they did. I mean I wished they had asked me whats going on, and asked about my status with this guy before like not allowing me to go out anymore. Personally, I feel like if this thing with this guy were to go further, I feel like I can handle it. I know some of you may say that my parents may think I'm not ready etc. which leads back to my point where I wish they could see that I've matured and grown and NEVER once have I let ANYTHING in this world make me compromise my priority of my studies. They themselves have told people that I'm very responsible with my studies, but I wish they'll live by it! As of now, my parents have a thing against me dating at 19, I'm almost 20 actually. And I'm just not sure what to do? Talking never works with them cuz they never want to listen to my reasoning/thinking and even before I could finish what I want to say, they already have their opinions. and they never take my opinion/feelings into consideration or even let me finish what I have to say before jumping in. TO be honest, I'm actually at a point where I feel extremely trapped. and its not cuz about this situation but there are other situations that add up to my feelings. On a side note: I'm curious, is 19 too young to date? A lot of people tend to go out and start seeing people at this age, no? I'm happy to answer any of your questions. I'm sorry to parents out there reading this, i know I sound somewhat like a B---- but I just don't know how to approach my parents in this kind of situation.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 May 2018): I posted this question...
Any advice to handle this in a more civilised manner? I know the generation gap is huge but yes I accept its impossible to change them but is it possible to get them to listen in the first place?
In my culture or the norm in my country, usually people date around college/uni age which is about 18-19, thats when people start dating etc.
but my parents being who they are, they don't get that. They keep telling me to wait until I'm doing masters or working to start dating. Personally I feel like if I wait until then, it would feel like I'm jumping into something without any experience?
My uncles and aunts tend to talk about relationships and they have had advised me that if you do enter a relationship at this age, its experience and learning what it is all about (obviously no sex etc.) My uncles and aunts have daughters too and their kids started dating around 18-19 as well. So they realised I was at that age and so they started giving me some advice and stuff. Thats the difference tho, my parents and aunts and uncles are their siblings so generation is same as my parents. and they seem to be able let go at that age for their daughters. Like their daughters have freedom to drive and in fact they helped them gain confidence on the road, I had to seek out a cousin cuz my dad seemed to refuse to let me go on the road on my own.
It's really a sticky situation. Still blur as to how to handle this. Its like I constantly wonder why parents are like that. Its not like all my uncles and aunts behave like them, its just them. If all of them had the same attitude then fair enough, its cultural/age generation thing. but its just them.. so...
A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice  +, writes (4 May 2018):
 All of my children are older than you. I was 3 in 1969. Your parents are almost old enough to be my parents. I say this just to explain the generation I am speaking from.
When I was 12 I had a female pen pal. (that is a friend that you write paper letters to) We lived about 200 miles apart. There was a chance to see each other once or twice a year. If I saved up my spending money, I could talk to her on the pay phone five or ten minutes per month.
When my youngest son was 15 he met a girl at summer camp. She lives about 150 miles form us. They sent emails every night and text messages between classes.
I tell you this to illustrate that trying to apply last generations romantic activities to this generation is just impossible. Your mother was born in 1950, you were born in 1999. You live in different worlds.
You live in a different culture than me. But to answer your question, In my sub culture Boys and girls are allowed to attend parties or dances at 14. They are allowed to date in groups at 16. They are allowed to date exclusively around 21 or when they are ready to look for a marriage partner. Sex is not a part of Dating. but happens often anyway.
What is important to you is what is expected in your culture. In general at your age and experience you should be concentrating on your education or work skills. Romantically you should be meeting and getting to know lots of different people. Including people from different countries and culture. This experience will help you in the next phase when you start to look for a lifetime partner.
I know much of your post is about your relationship with your parents. You just keep making your own decisions and explaining them. They know they cannot hold you forever, but they very much want your happiness.
FA
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