A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My partner of 3 years has asked for my hand in marriage. At this point there are issues that make me unsure if I want to make this lifetime commitment with him,the big one being trust issues. He has cheated on me several times. Upon discove ering his wayward behaviour,I confronted him. He has assured me many times that he is done with his past life of cheating but I am not totally convinced yet. The reason being that he still spends most of his time with his friends who cheat on thier spouses and he is still guards his phone. Yesterday I texted him on a new sim and pretended to be a lady he met years ago at some bar. The first question I asked was about his marital status to which he said he was single. I was kind of taken aback that he is potraying himself as somone who is available. I expected him to mention that he is in a committed relationship. At least that is what I would have said anyway. He quickly fell for it and requested to meet with 'me' and wanted to know more about 'me' and what I do for a living. I must say I was shocked at the way he seemed excited to meet this random lady. I did all of this to see if he really is a changed man as he claims to be but from the way he acted,I now doubt that. I was shocked at the level of excitement he displayed just a few minutes into the chat and wanting to meet immediately. I don't know maybe he was drawn by the fake photo of 'me' I had as my profile photo. I know it was stupid to go to as far as pretending to be someone else but I had to do it as I contemplate on whether to accept his proposal or not. I don't want to make a decision I would later regret based on past experiences. My biggest issue is the lack of trust. As much as I forgave him for his past deeds,I just can't forget. And I'm not sure if I would be able to ever get over it,his cheating on me with different women broke me and hurt me deeply. Right now after his behaviour with this random woman,I just don't know what to believe anymore. I'm confused. Please help.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 May 2018): You deserve better. Look in the mirror and repeat this phrase to yourself over and over, every day please!This man is not good enough for you, do not waste another minute on him. Yes you will feel bad when you dump him, and he will try to cry and manipulate you into sticking around, but please leave him and block him, and stay gone!You know what he is. Birds of a feather flock together. He is the same as the cheaters he hangs out with. You are better off alone than putting up with this emotional abuse. Please love yourself more, and be strong, and do what you know is best for you, and not him.You deserve better. You deserve love and respect. You are a good person. Best of luck. R
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 May 2018): I only read the title of your post and immediately thought "get rid of him".
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A
female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (4 May 2018):
 You have been far too forgiving of him. You should have left him in your dust years ago. Get this through your head that he will NEVER EVER change. He was unfaithful multiple times, and now you have evidence of his not changing.
So what will it take for you to be done with him?? If you stay with him now, then you are a masochist who is in willful denial and destined to be reduced to a hollow shell of a woman shamed by her husband.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 May 2018): I don't know what you're confused about. He's cheated in the past and was prepared to cheat again. He hangs out with guys who cheat on their spouses.
If you marry him you're letting yourself in for a world of hurt, distrust and unhappiness. It's never easy, but I think you know what you should do. Dump him and move on.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (3 May 2018):
 If he is in a circle of friends who all cheat on there partners and he also guards his phone well then I personally would never be able to commit myself to him. Cheating is a very hard thing to get over, and building the trust takes time. But it is clear that you cannot trust this guy. You write to him and he quickly responds wanting to meet up surely that tells you all you need to know about the kind of man that he is. He knows he has gotten away with cheating on you before so he is not showing that he can be trusted. Personally if it was me I wouldn't be able to marry someone who treated me like this. I need trust in a relationship it is very important.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (3 May 2018):
 It's kind of a juvenile thing to do, but in your case I see it as smart.
He has a known history, he has bad influences, and he is hiding from you (guarding phone). You did the check before you accepted his proposal. You had legitimate doubts so you did a check, before committing. Smart.
You are right that you need trust to have a healthy relationship. You do not trust him, so you should not accept his proposal. You do not need to tell him what you did. You should not tell him what you did. All he needs to know is that the level of trust between you is not strong enough for engagement.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 May 2018): What's the confusion here? He hasn't changed and if you ask him I'll hazard a big guess he will see he knew it was you testing him...He's a proven cheater and he would do if again, it's your call, do you want to marry a man like that?
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