A
female
age
30-35,
*lliemarie1104
writes:Okay, so here goes... My boyfriend Nolan and I are madly in love, have been for a good 4 years now. We are both 17 at the moment, and both virgins, saving ourselves for each other. We've known for a while now that we want to spend the rest of our lives together, and the minute we graduate from high school, we're headed for Auburn University together. But we have a problem... My dad. He says he will not give any boy permission to marry me before I'm at least 24, because he and my mother were married early. You would think he'd know our intentions by now, but he doesn't! Nolan doesn't want to wait anymore, and neither do I; I want to be able to call him mine. Permanently. How should we go about asking my father, or convincing we are mature enough? Because our only other way out is eloping when I turn 18 in March, and it's very dishonest and hurtful to my parents.
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male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (20 March 2010):
 I'm quite frustrated by this whole mess. Not quite as frustrated as Q1065, but getting there.
Ellie Marie is a young woman with religious convictions that conflict with her actions. She believes in waiting until Marriage for sex. She believes in honoring her parents. She believes in being financially secure before having children. And yet we find her this week searching for ways to bend her fathers will to match her agenda. She initiated a long term committed relationship at the tender age of about 14. She and Nolan are now tired of waiting. He wants to got into her pants, she wants to own him. This would not have been in conflict with her beliefs had she waited until 18 to start steady dating. Even though her current unhappiness is caused by the conflict between her actions and her beliefs she thinks that she can be happy once again if someone else will just change. Either her dad will change his stance so she can honor him without sacrificing on her part, or the world should change to make it easier for young marriages to survive, and pregnancy to happen only when it is convenient.
The older aunts and uncles here are like spectators to a train wreck. We can see it all coming, but there is not a thing we can do to stop it.
In my own way I am as fatalistic as Q1065. He believes divorce is inevitable, I believe that teens following advice from older, experienced people is impossible.
FA
A
female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (20 March 2010):
 Actually Q, it's better for her dad if she dose go off and marry... think about all the money he will save. No need to spend anything on the wedding, since he dosen't agree with it anyway. Then he no longer has to support her at all. After all she'll be married and it will be her husbands role. She'll be 18, married, and he'll be off the hook and scott free. She and her husband can fund her living expenses, rent, education, books and everything else.
mmmm... may not please the dad, but it will make her happy.. I call this a situation of win-win, no losers involved, and tons of money saved.
I'll take your bet, married at 18, I say divorced by 25.
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A
female
reader, Carrot2000 +, writes (20 March 2010):
 If you marry at 18, are you still expecting your parents to pay for your educational expenses? Just wondering...
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A
female
reader, elliemarie1104 +, writes (20 March 2010):
elliemarie1104 is verified as being by the original poster of the question okay just to a couple remarks here and there, just for clarification purposes...
1. i was not planning on eloping, that's the last thing i want to do.
2. nolan and i wanted to get married before we went to college, for our own personal reasons.
3. to g1065: we have sorted out everything. i know this very second that i will not plan on getting pregnant until i've worked and earned enough money to support a child with nolan, i know good and well what i may be getting into. and there have been plenty marriages that have lasted lifetimes, a divorce is not guaranteed just because of the day and age we live in.
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A
female
reader, SirenaBlusera  +, writes (19 March 2010):
 I don't think it's a good idea to get married so young. You don't even know who you are!!
Your father won't allow you to marry unti you're 24... once you turn 18, you don't need his consent. Of course you might be wise to think this over and listen to your dad. He regrets marrying young and he's been around awhile and acquired some wisdom that he may be trying to impart to you.
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A
male
reader, childof1981 +, writes (19 March 2010):
 The best way to convince him you are mature enough is to plan a small wedding an get married. Marriage is a decision between two people and your father is not one of those two people. The cornerstone of being adult is to be the driver of you own destiny and while you should consider the input of people in your life your decisions are your own.
Also, it makes a lot of financial sense for you to get married now and not at 24. Once married you would be considered independent when it comes to financial aid for college and that should significantly cut the cost of your and your spouses education.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (19 March 2010):
I see 2 mistakes here and one coming up soon.
first: While you dad seems to have learned from his mistake (marrying young) you are unwilling to learn from it. You insist on making the same mistake all over again.
Second: If your dad always intended for you not to marry til 24, he should never have allowed you to have a steady boyfriend at 13 or 14. Expecting you two to keep your virginity while dating exclusively for 10 years is just plain unrealistic.
Third upcoming: You two will be moving away from parental controls in about six months. Shortly after that, chances are one late night you are both going to lose your virginity.
So, the horse is already out of the barn, There is not a lot of point in closing the door now. There are really only three options open to your dad. He can back down and let you get married, then be there to support you through the trials you will have. He can cause enough strife to break up your relationship, that's going to be difficult and hurt his relationship with you. Or he can dig in his heels and fight against the inevitable. Then rush to the alter when you get pregnant.
I really haven't given you any advice. I disagree with you that you are ready to get married. I think you should have some more life experience. Including dating other people. I don't think you will take that advice. It is really to late at this point to give it, but that is my opinion on the whole matter.
FA
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A
male
reader, TimmD +, writes (19 March 2010):
 If you elope then you are just proving your father right. Show him how mature you are by waiting. Tell him that you and Nolan want to get married and while you would really like his blessing now, you are willing to wait until he gives it to you. This will show him how respectful you are and with any luck might even make him give it to you sooner.If you and Nolan truly love each other, what is the problem with waiting a couple more years? As long as you are together, that should be most important. Is it worth possibly damaging your relationship with your parents to make your relationship official on paper? Make a promise between yourself and Nolan and that can be stronger than any marriage ceremony.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2010): If you are Christian, the fifth commandment..
Honor thy father and thy mother: that thy days may be long upon the land which the Lord thy God giveth thee. (Exodus 20:12)..
might come in handy to help honor their wishes, but if you aren't worried about what will happen if you don't always honor them, in the case of a non-Christian, do what you wish when you turn 18, as human law states that you can live on your own and do as you wish, without your parents' consent, as soon as you turn 18 in most areas. I will leave it up to you to choose, since you will have to decide between the Earthly laws or the law about honoring your parents. Personally, beside all that, if I had to choose, I would wait as long as possible to get married, since marriage can change people alot, and cause alot more stress than not being married, depending on how much one of you change. Also, if you decide to have a baby anytime soon, you will throw away alot of your free time, and live perhaps a very different lifestyle.. one that can be extremely costly, depending on the circumstances.
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