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female
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*itch
writes: hi im 18, supposed to be marrying my fiance of nearly 3yrs in June. We have a 9 month old son.I dont know what to do about my fiance. He has absolutely no respect for me whatsoever. He knows i hate porn and when he got a porn video emailed to him the other day he promised me he wouldnt keep it, but I've just stumbled across it, asked him about it and hes kicked up a big ruckass. He lies to me quite often, is violent and abusive, and always pesters me for sex even when i refuse. He insists on arguing and swearing and shouting around our son even though i beg him not to. What should i do?
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female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (6 September 2006):
 Do not even consider marrying this guy. It's bad enough that you had a child together. Don't tie yourself any further to him. He will only get worse with the abuse and eventually will turn it towards the child as well. Get out now before something happens that you will regret for the rest of your life.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 September 2006): LEAVE HIM!!!!!
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A
male
reader, soulmasseur +, writes (6 September 2006):
Get out it now! If he is as bad as painted up there, well, there is NO, absu-bloody-lutely, NO logic in continuing this. Respect, honor, dignity, self-esteem, these are vital in any sort of relationship, but this guy seems to be taking these qualities away from your life instead of nurturing them. And what's make it wors is that he is going to be a legally life-long partner of you, the one that should even relatively match your prospectives if future. Sometimes, not onlt is love blind, but its shear stupidity!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 September 2006): Respect is the foundation in a happy, solid, good relationship. And you don't have your bf's respect. You are in love with a needy, broken man. Something tells me he was not well cared for, in his past. What scares me the worst is you say he's 'violent and abusive'. This can get dangerous for you and he can be emotionally damaging for your child. If I were you, I'd leave the relationship and tell him you will stay apart, until he is in treatment for his abusiveness. The deal would be he has do all the treatment, even when he hates it. I don’t know how violent your bf is, but I would be very careful, because many angry bf's will stalk and continually harass their loved ones, especially one that has his child. He will feel lost when you go. You need to be strong and you need to find a safe place to go. But this is the only way because he won’t change until you put your foot down and say firmly: "Enough! Stop!" I also think you should both get the help you need. A woman who stays with such an screwed-up, disrespectful, abusive man has her own deep, emotional issues. And your child needs at the very least--'one' healthy, happy parent to raise and nuture it through until adulthood. If you won't seek help for yourself..do it for your child. I cannot tell you whether you and your bf should try again, should he seek help. I refuse to be to tell you to associate yourslef withs such a troubled, abusive man because that is morally wrong. Men with problems like you describe..take years and years to undo the emotional damage they endured in their past. But I will say, over a long period time, some people can change their behaviors when they realize how much they have to lose. You have some courageous and hard choices to make. You need to look into your future and see what will happen if you continue in this relationship. Good luck, dear amnd be strong.
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A
female
reader, Mommaof2 +, writes (6 September 2006):
You may feel you love him and all but honestsly get out while u can. I was married to a guy just like this. It is not good. I lost my baby this way bc he beat em so bad. Be strong and you dont need to put ur self thru this. Im sur eur a better person than whta is happening.He may one day end up hurting your son and then you owuld def feel bad,. Be Strong ..Im here!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 September 2006): Something I admire greatly and have in my home to refer to for inspiration and guidance in the everyday rat race.
In it I find great comfort and wisdom that is unshakable.
This is a part taken from a THE FAMILY: A PROCLAMATION TO THE WORLD
"...Husband and wife have a solemn responsibility to love and care for each other and for their children. "Children are an heritage of the Lord" (Psalms 127:3). Parents have a sacred duty to rear their children in love and righteousness, to provide for their physical and spiritual needs, to teach them to love and serve one another, to observe the commandments of God and to be law-abiding citizens wherever they live. Husbands and wives—mothers and fathers—will be held accountable before God for the discharge of these obligations." paragraph 6
"...By divine design, fathers are to preside over their families in love and righteousness and are responsible to provide the necessities of life and protection for their families. Mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children. In these sacred responsibilities, fathers and mothers are obligated to help one another as equal partners. Disability, death, or other circumstances may necessitate individual adaptation. Extended families should lend support when needed." paragraph 7.
http://www.lds.org/library/display/0,4945,161-1-11-1,FF.html
I do my best to seek after knowledge in the world that instills in me and strengthens my resolve in being a good and commited parent. I do not take my role as a Mother lightly.
The part I like; where it states a father's and husband role is the "in all righteousnes".
That your fiance seems to think that verbal abuse, vocal dischord which in turn creates a family environment of abuse and neglect which has long lasting and harmful effects for your child and your grandchildren should this behaviour be allowed to continue.
Please get some family counselling started. Your fiance needs anger management courses as well and please turn to your local yellow pages under Psychologist as most will have classes and group therapy available or at least make some good referals.
That he can demand sex when you are not interested really does indicate just how abusive he really is and if counselling isn't put in place and then the advice and teachings not acted upon; there will be no real change and therefore you have the responsibility to make a very difficult choice.
Please let us know how things are going and do take care Sweetie.
From someone who married young and to an abusive and controlling man; leave while you still have strength and courage as it will worsen and you will lose your self respect and self esteem to the point where you will honestly believe that you do not deserve love and do not deserve to live. Then who will care for you child the way a Mother only can?
*hugs*
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