A
female
age
30-35,
*pinninground
writes:Hello all. I've noticed that there are a lot of teacher/student relationship questions on this website. I know there are many, many of these questions but I would really appreciate an answer from anyone.I'm currently a sophomore in high school. A new science teacher was hired last year when I was a freshman, and I immediately was attracted to him in a perfectly healthy, platonic way. He was 22 years old at the time, and I was 16. I'm very interested in science and I've always been closer to my science teachers than any of the other teachers at my school. He didn't teach any of my classes when I was a freshman, but since I was drawn to him and his teaching, I found ways to ask him about school wide science competitions and the like. This year he teaches my main science course. I'm one of the top students in the class simply because I love the subject, but due to my high ranking, I started to get more attention from him. I started spending my free time cleaning the labs and setting up extra experiments to further my personal studies. Also, he and I started meeting up during lunch and free periods to discuss more accelerated material and learn one-on-one, at a faster pace than the rest of my class. Usually we get off topic during our meetings and stop discussing the class so we can just talk about life and school. It's nice to have the alone time and our conversations are very comfortable. I started getting the feeling that he had reciprocal feelings when he complimented me on my academic ability and my passion for science. Since we often meet during lunch, he'll bring random things to munch on while we chat. When we had a meeting on my birthday, he brought me brownies from the teacher's lounge and we had a little party. Little things like that just do more to validate the fact that we have a closer relationship than most.Anyways, eventually we started to get tired of the school meetings and wanted to hang out around the town rather than just in a formal setting. So after school one day I drove over to a part of town that is NOT frequented by students from my school, and met up with him. It was simple and fun, just going out for coffee and laughing about trivial things. It started to become our regular thing, meeting up for coffee after school and just having fun. Eventually, coffee 'dates' (since there was no acknowledgment on either of our parts about these meetings being dates, even though they essentially were) turned into movie 'dates' and museum 'dates'. Things started to get more heated between us and we would spend time together simply to have our legs touch under the table or to keep our hands intertwined while we worked at a table in the back of the shop. It was the new amount of physical contact that shocked me in a way: I started hanging on to those moments when we would touch or I would get a hug in secret. I was spending a lot of time out of the house so I told my mother I had gotten a job. It was partially true, since I DID have a job, but I pretended that the hours ran later than they actually did so I wouldn't be suspected of anything. On one of our 'dates', we went to see a concert that both of us had a liking for, and it was one of the most fun times of my entire life. By the end we were just jumping along with everyone in the crowd, screaming lyrics, and holding onto each other. I really felt like I was wanted and cared for right then, so as we left the concert, I fake stumbled towards the car and he caught me around my waist. I remember putting my hands behind his head and deciding to go for it, so I kissed him. I really want all the readers on here to understand that I was the one who kissed him, not the other way around. Got it? Okay. So after that our whole dynamic changed. We've only gone as far as kissing, and I doubt it will evolve into anything remotely resembling sex, but we've kissed a LOT now. And I get thinly veiled looks during science class that I didn't used to get, which makes me feel more comfortable and happy about our relationship now that we've taken it up another level. I just absolutely wish I was older so I wouldn't have to hide behind this stupid preset dynamic that keeps us publically apart!Also, many of my friends (and most of the people who I know, or who know him) know that I'm 'friends' with him. During a lunch period when we didn't have a meeting, I was sitting at a lunch table with a group of my friends, and they started making joking commentary on the fact that I rarely sit with them at lunch. Two particular friends started laughing about the fact that I had abandoned them for a secret rendezvous affair in janatorial closets and some such. I was embarassed beyond belief but I just tried to laugh along with them. I knew they were joking but a part of me felt strange because in a way, they were absolutely right. So these past 8 months have been a whirlwind. I have a muted fear that someone will ultimately discover what's going on, but at the same time I really don't want to stop any of this. Please, I know many of the people who read this will want me to break it off with him or try to grow out of these feelings, but I just really want to go with this while it lasts! It's one of the best things that's ever happened to me, and I know I may only be 17, but I feel confident in my decision.Anyone who is willing to provide advice or commentary, feel free! I want insight into this relationship...
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, mysterious_blonde_lady  +, writes (21 May 2009):
:S Well, i know you doubt it will lead to sex - if it continues, it will inevitably lead to sex unless you refuse it of course. He is a man, he will want sex. The age difference between you and this etacher isn't too huge so i can see a potential for a relationship when you leave. It is bizarre though how this teacher agreed to see you outside of classes .... me thinks this teacher has not grown up past his days of high school. It could be that you naturally gained an attraction for each other and became close as people do and maybe a potential for love. However, beware his intentions. He may be looking for a sexual kick out of you, if you are a virgin beware. He could also be looking for an ego boost, he is still a young man, concerned about what his mates think, absorbed with coming and going cultures and fashions and very interested in sex. Of course this is a very generalized statement and doesnt apply to everyone but try not to get too emotionally involved too soon, it may be the excitement, the thrill or possibly of being caught that he gets off on, rather than your company. It might be that when you leave he will end your relationship for some reason, just try not to get too involved too fast, and make him wait as long as you can before you have sex with him because you will know if he wants more - he will be willing to wait. If he tries to pressure you, you'll know he's dodgy.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 May 2009): I know just how you feel!! I am 18 and have just started having a relationship with one of the guys who teaches at my school. We are so smitten with each other but he is getting married so its all a little complicated!! I know no one quite understands how it feels to fall for a teacher unless they get quite as close as we both have, its fustrating!!! I have never been so happy and like you want to go along with it because i will be at uni soon. but i am warning you just to be carefull! But i suggest you go for it and have fun while your young, you never know what it may turn in to!you only live once! :)
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A
female
reader, maeisforlovers16  +, writes (13 May 2009):
 I'm actually very, very, VERY happy for you. I wish that would happen to me. I'm 16 and I like my 24 year old teacher. I know that something is there and I have a very strong feeling that something is going to happen between us. Right now, we only have small talk simply because I get so tongue-tied when I see him. I feel so comfortable and safe around him though. Could you please tell me how you started talking to him or how all of this started? I'm in his class but I wouldn't say that I'm one of his best students but we've recently been talking more and more in the hallways and I notice he looks at me more frequently. So, could you tell me what you did or what do you suggest that I do?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 May 2009): The real frightneing thing is if you lived an real civilised society the only legal quabble would be the fact he is your teacher.
16 is the legal age of consent in most civilised countries. Not in th U.S. though, slow-coaches.
I'd cool it down though. There is nothing wrogn with being close friends with him, and given your mutual interest in your chosen area of study such a friendship could and probably would be beneficial.
But you've already let it go further then it should have. You'll be out of his jurisdiction in a very short period and then you can date and make love without a single legal or moral obligation to anyone.
The laws may seem stupid in a situation like yours, where both of you are clearly not in this for fling (or so it seems from what you say), but you must understand there is a good reason they exist.
So cool your jets, and let it remain a decent friendship for now and then once you graduate, you persue this as a relationship all you want to.
Flynn 24
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A
female
reader, spinninground +, writes (6 May 2009):
spinninground is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you everyone for you advice. I'm really taking this stuff into account and I absolutely want to remain friends with him, but I don't want to get anyone implicated. It might be hard, but I think you guys have really given me a good perspective... it would be best to take the responsible way out and wait until I'm out of high school and legal. And even then I might be beyond these feelings, though my irrational, 17 year old mind doubts it.
Thank you guys!!!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 May 2009): Any type of "relationship" between a teacher and a student (even one who is an adult by law) is illegal in the majority of all states. Kissing, touching, writing notes etc, while not sexual is classified as "indecent liberties with a student". If this is revealed the teacher will be formally charged under the criminal justice system, it will cost him thousands of dollars in fees, he will go to jail (state penitentiary for months - years), he will have to register as a sex offender and he will NOT be allowed any contact with you as long as you remain a student or for as long as he is on probation post sentencing (5-10 years).Please understand this is "criminal" in the eyes of the law, there will be no sympathy for you or him and your life will be ruined. He will be shunned by society, never teach and like so many teachers each year will struggle for the rest of his days. It is NEVER worth it! Advice - google teacher suicides as a result of educator sexual misconduct - there have been many this year.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 May 2009): Sounds like you don't have a problem by virtue of the relationship alone.
Culturally, and legally you have some major potential problems because of your age. It seems you are aware of this, because you're here.
There is a sexual timeline to relationships. You may feel you are not in danger of problems in this area, but you absolutely are at high risk culturally and legally. Most people shun a 17 year old's romance with a 23 year old. It is widely accepted that a 23 year old man pursuing a 17 year old girl is a predator - prey circumstance because the 17 year old has no wisdom or background to know what is going on, thus taking advantage of her naivete. Your teacher's job is at risk should he be found out.
You feel confident in your decision because you are 17. Seventeen year old's feel confident about their every decision. It's part of that stage of life. You're invincible, all-powerful, and all-knowing about what is best for you.
Alas, my words and most others that will post answers will likely make you balk.
So here's my input: If you had a seventeen year old daughter who is doing everything you do with a 23 year old man, and you also know that almost all men who pursue teenagers are ONLY in it for the sexual excitement, what would you think?
He is taking advantage of your ignorance and childhood. He is doing and saying everything it takes just to have a good time. Ask any honest and responsible guy - he'll say the same thing.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 May 2009): First I like to say ....thank you for your honest. I am a single Father of a 11 year old. I will be very OVER protective of her now. LOL....You know there is nothing wrong with your feelings. But Society is HARD on this behavior. Your teacher is a great guy it seems. But like I am starting to explain to my daughter "Character". There is no way around having that. This is the USA. Its just not right. Its unfair I know..but who wants to go to jail over stuff like this here. You could cost your teacher his Job too. It maybe exciting and all....like you say. But you know its not right. Something I always wondered about younger girls ....why not just date your own age. I am sure everything you were doing with the Teacher ..you could be doing with some guy your age. Yes you got an great connection..I get it. But you gotta really ask yourself something. This Teacher...if he seems to have it all together, why doesn't he already have a girlfriend or spend time with other teachers enjoying science stuff.
It seems as though you Two are in the WRONG. Both are being IRRESPONSIBLE. In Today's society you got to be much more careful. Come on!
They best advice I can give you is you need to be honest with your Mom about him. Alot of times letting your parents in on who your seeing helps alot. They get to know him better the more your Mom can support what you two do. Cause when stuff goes down and courts get involved He is going to need more than just you by his side.
I wonder if there is a waiver that can be signed off by your Mom that allows you go about with this guy without facing criminal legal action.
Quit while you are ahead!!!! It was great..know you got some experience under your belt. Just be friends and down the line in life when you are of age. You two can enjoy each other even more.
I must warn you about something....older guys love taking advantage of highschool girls. Cause ya'll REALLY do not know any better. AT ALL..easy prey. Do to you'll lack of experience any type of mature attention is AWESOME. It is what it is.
I still say get with your own age group....Enjoy being 17. You have plenty of time for older guys in the future. Enjoy Family,friends, and same age Boyfriend. Keep your circle in harmony. You may not always get what you want..but you will get what you need. :-)
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