A
male
age
41-50,
*appy
writes:I recently started a relationship with a girl I get along very well with. She lives in a different city and she is considering moving to the city I live in. When we are together, I am attracted to her mind enough so that we have a decent love life. My problem is that her body is not very fit, and she is really the least fit person I have ever been with. Because she was overweight before I knew her, her body now shows stretch marks all over. There is also an excess of skin on her legs, butt, arms, stomach, etc. Her breasts are small and saggy. I think of myself as someone who should be able to look past this, but it's very difficult. Im more comfortable when she has clothes on, but in the past with ex-girlfriends, I very much enjoyed looking at their nude bodies. Im not sure how to get past this. Is it possible? Because she is considering moving to my city, I dont want to ask her to move here when I have this problem with her. I dont know how to bring it up. It seems like something I cant talk to her about without creating an infinite abscess of insecurity for her. Is it my problem that I cant accept her for how her body is?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 May 2009): Hey there,
Of course if you like someone you should be able to look past looks (lol). However, it's true that physical attraction plays a part. I'm sorry, but maybe you'll never get past this. Sadly, it's how we are sometimes. Another man could probably love her for who she is and how she looks like. It'll be difficult for both of you, for sure. But it's neither her nor your fault that you don't think she's all that physically. We can't help what we like. You both will find better suited people, just don't force yourself to like her.
Sorry, this probably wasn't what you wanted to read :(
A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 May 2009): I think this relationship will ultimately be very negatively affected by this - you will lose you ability to be 'tolerant' after time - and you will end up telling her how you feel about her body - you will resent her for it, and she will wind up resenting you for affecting her confidence, sef esteem etc. I think the attraction you have to her 'mind' won't be enough long term - I'd stop the move to your city for both your sakes.
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A
female
reader, xAngels  +, writes (5 May 2009):
For a long term relationship to work, you have to be attracted to her in every way or else it probably won't work. But, love can come in all sort of strange forms but if you're in doubt I don't think she is the right person.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 May 2009): If you are not sexually attracted to her you will encounter problems in the long term. She is obviously confident enough to have sex with you and let you see her in all her glory, so maybe you should seriously reconsider your relationship. You say you lost your erection because you looked at her sagging breasts... I think that statement tells it all. Rather end the relationship and maybe she could then meet someone who will love her warts and all!!
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A
male
reader, rappy +, writes (5 May 2009):
rappy is verified as being by the original poster of the questionso if i do, how should I call it off? is it best not to tell her how i feel to protect her from feeling more insecure?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 May 2009): never start any relation with a spouse that wont fullfill your physical needs,in the end you well find your self wanking or cheating,with a sexless life
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 May 2009): Personally, I think that sexual attraction is very important to a relationship. Its not the ONLY thing that is important, but I think its a requirement for a loving and full-on relationship. At least for me. Being shallow would be if the only thing you cared about was how hot they were and nothing else mattered. If your not sexually attracted to her, you wont ever be. Sex is very important to a relationship and if you don't like the sex...something very important is going to be missing and you wont be happy and neither will she.
I don't think this is your problem and I would not call this shallow. What happens if you continue with her, then found someone who is just as mentally appealing to you, AND is sexually attractive? You will be sad and tempted, and probably go for it. I would break up and move on and try and find someone more attractive and who you like as a person too. Good Luck!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 May 2009): People enter relationships for various reasons, the most common is to be loved and accepted. If you cannot accept one significant part of her then let it be, because you are risking to scar her seriously.
I was in a very similar relationship for 7 years and it really really hurt me not to be accepted on a physical level-my bf kept looking at slim women with small breasts.
(Through most of our relationship my BMI was between 22 and 24 (18.5 to 25 is normal BMI)so I was not overweight and reasonably fit physically but had big soft boobs and I had trouble getting rid of the bit of soft stomach bellow my belly button.)basically I was totally average, normal and healthy with a slim waist but his attitude made me feel like I was some kind of obese freak. I had many lovers in my life and most of them loved my boobs: he never, ever touched them during sex: no matter how much you cuddle and talk together eventually you will pick of on the fact that your partner avoids touching your breasts. Eventually I cheated on him many times just to make love to a person who doesn't pretend that my body is not in the bed with us. Even though we are not together anymore it still hurts me that he was not attracted to me physically and still entered a relationship with me, I think I deserved him to be honest with me.
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A
male
reader, rappy +, writes (5 May 2009):
rappy is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSo I want you all know that I am attracted to her. I often make love with her and find it very easy to get an erection and find a good rhythm with her. I love her mind.
But the thing that scares me is this: I had a moment while making love to her, while she was on top, I looked down and saw her hanging breasts and they did not look good to me. They looked like lemons hanging in socks, they looked like an old woman's breasts, and I lost my erection. It's never happened to me before. Im scared of it happening again and cant think of a way to bring it up with her. It seems unfair for me to do.
I find myself not letting her get on top, and just taking positions where I just look into her eyes. Its like Im avoiding looking at her body. But its wonderful to look in her eyes. Its like we can see infinity together.
I have seen some things that I do like and I try to look around the things I have problems with and focus on the things I love about her, her inner beauty, her sense of humour, etc. And even though I still get excited and desire her I have trouble connecting to her physical body. Im looking for other ways, and some work, but I have doubts, just as all of you do.
Im surprised with myself seeing that the physical has such importance. She even said that she has given up trying to make her body look better -- that she has tried and tried and seen no results. I find this discouraging as well.
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A
female
reader, sadgirl224 +, writes (5 May 2009):
If your not attracted to her body, you should be honest with her. It's better to be alone than to be with someone who doesn't love everything about you. It's not fair to you either,you both need to be happy. It will hurt you both,but she will respect you for being honest. It's better to do it sooner than later when more feelings are involved. Wishing you both the best.
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A
female
reader, 48years  +, writes (5 May 2009):
 Idealistically, if you loved someone and they wound up in a car crash and disfigured, would you still love them?
If you're really turned off, you could turn out the lights, I suppose.
Is it your problem that you can't accept her body the way it is? YES. The real question is one only you can answer - how important is it to you to be able to look at her all wrinkly now vs 10 years from now?
You don't love her, so let her go before she moves to your city under the impression that you do love her. It'll hurt her less to tell her now... most guys would rather jump into a volcano than tell a girl she ain't good enough... but it sounds like you let it go to far, so ya gotta take your medicine - be a man, and get used to her hating you, and tell her you don't really love her.
Then, leave her alone.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 May 2009): I understand what you mean and sometimes its best to just let it go. When you love someone it is for everything not somethings. Not saying you're wrong because we all have our "type", but if you're already having issues with her body it seems it could lead you to cheating on her and if thats the case either learn how to love it or let it go. As far as talking to her i wouldn't because i'm over weight myself you're going to make her feel like she isnt good enough.
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