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anonymous
writes: Dear Cupid...I've been having a major problem for the past two years. It's a long story, so I hope readers will be patient enough to read everything. I'd really appreciate it.I'm a 16 years old girl, and I've had feelings for this guy since I was 14. Problem is, he is [now] 36 years old, with a girlfriend and expecting their baby daughter in November. He was formerly my cousin's husband, and that was how we got to know each other so well, but they divorced just this February.I am still in contact with him [a lot], because we are technically the best of friends due to our brief family relationship.I've tried to forget about him and look for someone around my age, but it didn't work. So why can't I just forget him and carry on with my life? Allow me to describe him:- He's a really humourous guy who shares and listens to life stories.- He's a very responsible and sweet person [seeing him with his girlfriend makes me feel very happy, as I can see that he is happy with her].- He's charming and cute / hot / sexy.- He's understanding, comforting, modest and shy.- He shares the same interests as me, and therefore we have a lot in common and a lot to talk about.- Most importantly, he's really nice and lovely to me.I've recently told him about my feelings towards him, and he took it very nicely and lightly. He's not behaving awkwardly towards me - just treating me the same way as before.What I want to know is: is there anything else I should do? I really want to be with him, but I don't want him to leave his girlfriend. All I want is to know my next step.Thanks!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2006): Age is nothing it's just numbers,im 21 now but when i was 16 i was with a 38 yr old man and it was one of the best relationships i have ever had,people who say age is a problem are very narrow minded,age does not matter.
What you are feeling is normal,everyone has crushes and i understand that it must be real hard for you as you are so wrapped up over this guy and when you feel like that about someone it makes it ten times harder to find someone else,i do understand where you are coming on.
I was kind of in the same situation myself as you are and the only advice i can really give is walkaway but im sure everybody has said that to you and you think and believe that you can't do it,you can.If he was single i would say go for it because life is too short but the fact that he has a girlfriend who is pregnant worries me,if you and him get it on and start an affair it could tear apart his family.
If he felt the same way about you then he would of more than likely told you by now but instead he has chose to settle down with his new girlfriend.
Something could possibly happen between the both of you if he feels the same way and you might be together one day but to be honest the chances of that are very bleak.
Good luck to you in what you decide to do,the best thing would be to walkaway and clear your head.take care.
Nat x
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 July 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHey guys,
Thanks for the advice so far! I really appreciate it =) .
[One Of The Ancients]
Your advice was long and thoughtful - thanks for taking the time out to type it down!
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female
reader, One Of The Ancients +, writes (20 July 2006):
The "next step" you seem to be looking for is the one that makes him cheat on his girlfriend with you. Is that right?
I doubt if any ethical person would give you suggestions for that!
You say yourself that you can see he's happy with his girlfriend (and the mother of his child). You said yourself that he's a responsible person. You said yourself that you told him about your feelings towards him, and that didn't change his behaviour.
All those facts tell me that he knows you have a crush on him, and that he's not interested. And I'm sure his girlfriend and baby will be glad of that, because even if you were to tempt him into sleeping with you, you'd be dragging apart a family, just for your own needs.
It's not on. Realise that. Your needs aren't the most important ones in this equation.
I find it amusing that you say "it didn't work" when you tried to forget about him. You seem to think that because you couldn't drive lustful thoughts about him out of your mind in a few weeks or months that it means you're destined to cheat with him. But that's not what it means.
What you do now is spend less time seeing him, and when you do see him, you make sure that it's brief and friendly, and chaperoned, so you aren't tempted to try to seduce him. You also make a point of going out with friends, and staying busy with school or your job, so you don't hang around dreaming of a relationship with an unattainable man.
Last but not least, although I'm sure that this guy is pleased and flattered that you're attracted, he *will not* be taking that seriously. The age gap between you is an uncrossable gulf. I'm sorry to rub your nose in it, but I'm even older than he is, and I can tell you with confidence that he knows what you have is a normal teenage crush on an older man.
Focus on finding someone who's your emotional and intellectual equal, who is single and around your age, plus or minus a few years. You'll be happier. The 36-year-old will be happier. His girlfriend and their baby will be happier.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 July 2006): Stop this now. There is no "next step" for you. Move on and find someone your own age to date or hang out with. He is expecting a baby with another woman for crying out loud! Not to mention he is way too old for you at this point and time. The sooner you realize that this is wrong, the sooner you can move on with your life.
-J
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