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female
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anonymous
writes: i started dating a guy 3 months ago and i have never been happier until i found out he has a problem with our age difference somewhat. he is 11 yrs younger than myself. he says he cares about me and when he looks at me i see the sparkle in his eyes is the same as mine. my question is how can i get him past the age thing if we are so good together otherwise and i know he loves me already?
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 July 2006): The only way you can get him past the age thing is to ask him why and go from there and hope like hell, he's straight up with you and tells you. A number of things could be occurring here and you have to find out. Now I'm just guessing here (the below pointers may not even apply to your relationship) but some theoretical reasons could be:
1. Family pressure. If he's young (eqrly 20's), perhaps his family has some strong, influential opinions about him dating an older woman. They could be 'balking', bigtime and he's not telling you.
2. Future plans. Some guys have a plan and envison themselves dating and marrying a woman their own age or younger. Maybe he can't get past this and wants to hold out for that.
3. He's just not as into you as you want to think he is. His age gap thing could be an excuse/ a smokescreen.... to eventually bail out on the relationship. (god forbid, I hope it's not this one!)
4. Cross generational differences. Depending on your ages, perhaps he's finding yours and his common interests, values are not matching up. Compatibility is crucial.
For many age gap couples, the age is 'not' an issue. Love wins over. You are both just beginning this relationship and still making new and exciting discoveries about each other. Right now the infatuations are intense, so perhaps this relationship needs more time to get settled and on it's way. The physical attraction is likely strong but what will make this work, is the emotional bond you two establish over months and months of building this relationship. Try talking calmly and nicely about it to him about it..just don't push too hard, whine, and nag. Let him know he can be honest and open with you. Then sit back and wait for him to tell you. A mature, understanding attitude will make the difference. For now, have fun dating him and work keeping the lines of communication open and ongoing. Good luck
A
female
reader, DrPsych  +, writes (17 July 2006):
 The age thing isn't the real problem...there is something else and he is just hanging the blame on the 'age thing' as an easy excuse. Perhaps he has been involved with an older lady in the past who has hurt him...you can probably get to the real truth through open communication. There are the same number of years between me and my husband (in the same direction). Our relationship works because I feel younger than I am, and he is a little old man :-)
However, I had big reservations when we started dating early on because I didn't think it could seriously work out with a 'toy boy'. Some people around us have commented on it but not many - you just have to face the fact that relationships have some stress attached to them. If you can weather the stress then it proves you are strong together, but if something like age or another issue comes up and breaks you apart then it just wasn't mean't to be and if it wasn't the age thing, it would have been something else that broke up the relationship in the future. Good luck!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 July 2006): Well, that is a tough one. As every relationship with an age gap is different. I am in a similar relationship where I am 9 years older. The way ours works is 1) We love each other. 2) He is the most determined and responsible guy I have ever dated my age or older. 3) Lastly, we are on the same page as our future goes. Why don't you sit down and talk to him. See, where his head is in all of this. If you have the same ideas as future goes he may just see you and not your age. Even though it has been a short period of time, something made him look past your age. Good Luck!
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