A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend of 9 months had a few drinks on Friday and said "I love you, I'll love you even if we break up". He also said he's decided he's too "selfish" to have a child. I didn't engage the conversation because he had been drinking. He knows I want marriage and a baby. What do you think this means? I'm assuming he wants to break up. But just last week - he paid to take me on a weeks vacation to celebrate my birthday. Does a guy do that and one day later talk of breaking up?I'm confused. We are supposed to have dinner tomorrow and trying to figure this out. Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 September 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you everyone for your responses. We had a long, sober conversation. He says those represented his insecurities - and they come out when drunk. He says he does see a future with me, does want one, and is "open" to having children. He says two things 1) I'm pressuring him and that he needs to get to "the next step" in his own time. 2) that he thinks my need for a baby is outweighing everything else and he feels it's not really about HIM - but that he's here now.
A
female
reader, Kyra23  +, writes (26 September 2013):
Those are red flags...I've seen my best friend in a relationship like that. Guess what? they had a bitter breakoff. Have a very serious conversation with him...don't let him evade the subject. You have the right to know were you're heading.
If children are important to you and he says things like that...you need to be sure what his life project is. Don't give up your dreams you might regret it.
In vino veritas (In wine is the truth). Be very careful.
I wish you all the best.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 September 2013): I would take that as meaning, he loves you so much, that even if you didn't want to be with him, he would continue to love you. I would take it as him trying to express the extent of his love. I would check about the comment on children though. He may tell you not to listen to anything he says when he is drunk, but you need to hear that when he is sober.
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female
reader, llifton +, writes (26 September 2013):
 i agree that alcohol typically is a truth serum. "a sober person's thoughts are a drunk person's words." however, often times, alcohol can also be a babble serum. i tend to get diarrhea of the mouth and just start babbling about things and get shocked about the words that come out. sometimes, i don't mean what the hell i'm saying. i just start moving my lips and all sorts of crap comes out. so i think sometimes people also say and do things they absolutely don't mean while they are drunk. the only way to find out is through communication.
i'm not saying he didn't mean that he doesn't want kids. it could be as simple as that. or it could be that his inner fears of being a father one day just started coming out. or in his drunken state, those thoughts popped into his head randomly and just came pouring out of his mouth. there's really no telling what his true, SOBER thoughts are without talking to him. to jump to any conclusions without a rational discussion would be very illogical. but be prepared with how you wish to proceed if he does confirm that he doesn't want kids. know what you want and stand your ground. don't settle for anything less.
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female
reader, llifton +, writes (26 September 2013):
he was just drunk and rambling. i don't think he's meaning to break up with you at all. in fact, in his drunk state, i think he was trying to say that as a compliment lol. basically, that he'd always love you, even if you dumped him. either way, i wouldn't put too much emphasis on it. i don't think breaking up is a thought in his mind.
about the baby thing. that's a different story. perhaps he truly does feel that way and is afraid of telling you in a sober state. maybe he even feels that YOU will break up with him over it. that may be something you two really do need to get to the bottom of before things go further. but either way, that absolutely needs to be discussed while he's stone sober, not intoxicated. but i wouldn't jump to any conclusions just yet. but if you can't be with a man who doesn't want kids, and you two talk and he says he definitely doesn't want them, you need to know.
anyway, i honestly wouldn't put too much thought into his words. try not to over-think it.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 September 2013): Alcohol is a truth sersum. He cares about you but you are not the woman he wants to spend the rest of his life with nor are you the woman he wants to have children with. Cut ties with him. He's wasting your time. Don't go to dinner with him. This is a hurtful truth but at least you know it now than later.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (25 September 2013):
 you want marriage and a child
he does not.
he knows this to be a deal breaker so he's letting you know he understands that you will break up with him to find someone who wants what you want... it's just a matter of time.
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female
reader, Intrigued3000  +, writes (25 September 2013):
 He was drunk. I wouldn't put much stock into what he says when he's in that state. I agree with Anonymous. Ask him when he's sober. Look at it positively. The guy said he'll love you no matter what happens:)
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female
reader, YouWish +, writes (25 September 2013):
 He does not want what you do. If you want marriage and a family and he is saying that he's too "selfish" to have a kid, then his drinking brought out what he believes is the inevitable conclusion of your relationship.
You can't hope to change his mind about kids. The guy you're with is not wanting a family. He may even not want to marry you.
At your age, people are pretty set for what they want. If you stay with this guy, you will not have a family. No children, and maybe no marriage either. You cannot change him, so you will start resenting him.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 September 2013): It's probably likely he loves you and loves spending time with you but doesn't see himself marrying you or having children with you. Most likely, he doesn't see himself as the person who is going to be there permanently. He may feel guilty about it and this is his way, albeit not direct, of letting himself off the hook.
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male
reader, dougbcoll +, writes (25 September 2013):
 i would confront him about it. more than likely he will blame his drinking for what he said. i look at it more like his drinking just brought out what was in his heart, and said it verbally. you need to make sure you are on the same page with him.
i would ask him or it will eat at you as long as you are with him. he needs to be honest with you. honesty,and trust that is what relationships are built on.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 September 2013): It's hard to say if he meant any of that or not. Does he have a different opinion on marriage and kids with you when he isn't drunk?
I think you should start by asking him about these things when he hasn't been drinking, and then letting the answers he gives you SOBER inform your decisions about him.
Good luck.
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