A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes: I'm kind of apathetic and indifferent towards life right now. I've accepted the fact that this is a crazy world and bad things will always happen to good people and there's nothing you can do about it. Ever since the 7th grade I've had a hard time finding happiness in life. Not only am I gay, black and living in a homophobic and racist world but I also have to deal with ignorant and stifling parents, low self esteem/unattractiveness, and living in the lower middle class where we live from paycheck to paycheck. Just recently finished my first year of college and I had a blast and made a tone of new friends. But even in a sea of people I still felt alone, I still felt like an outsider looking in, like a wallflower. I'm kind of pitiful, I'm 19 years old and have never had a boyfriend/been in a relationship. I've never even kissed anyone. I don't know, sometimes i think some people are just not meant to be happy. I know the world is a beautiful place but I'm having a hard time finding beauty in mine.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 May 2014): How do you go from this:
"Just recently finished my first year of college and I had a blast and made a ton of new friends."
Back to this:
"I'm kind of apathetic and indifferent towards life right now."
"bad things will always happen to good people and there's nothing you can do about it." (Soooooo not true!!!)
Reality check.
Young gay men think they are going to find happiness, the minute they find a boyfriend. No, you may not.
You are bringing pessimism and cynicism as your major contribution to any potential relationship. The relationship will be dead on arrival.
Do not seek happiness through other people. Share happiness WITH other people. No one was put on this earth to please you or to make your life better. That's YOUR job.
That is your responsibility to find and develop for yourself, young man. Why should some happy nice-guy carry the burden of trying to figure out how to keep you happy?
He's working hard to stay happy and upbeat.
You're all gloom and doom. What's in it for him?
Be thankful for small blessings. Sometimes things don't fall in your lap. You get out there and make yourself happy.
Surprise!!! Nobody owes you anything! Love is waiting for you to grow-up, and learn a few things about yourself. You need to develop love for "yourself!" Get an attitude adjustment. Life is good and bad. It's always bad for people who only wish to see the bad in it.
So sorry, your parents are stifling and ignorant. They gave you life. They struggled, supported you, and kept you alive. Gave you a home, food, and kept you healthy enough to grow-up to complain. You know in their own screwed-up way, they still love you. Deeply! They may, or may not, accept homosexuality. That is yet to be determined, when their son is gay. People need time to absorb these things.
Learn that gay does not define you as a person; only your sexual-orientation. You may have stereotypical traits and gestures that they find uncomfortable to be around; but they also know there is still "you" behind them.
Be thankful for small blessings. You successfully made it into college, had a blast, and made a ton of friends.
You are only 19! Starting out in life with a bad attitude is your problem. Your "woe is me" attitude is a turnoff.
Potential dates/boyfriends are checking you out; but if you sulk and show no confidence. Why bother? They'll spend a majority of their time with you, listening to you whine about how badly life sucks. How bad things are in the world. What a downer! I'm I getting across to you yet?
You are young. Life is just beginning. You have countless things to experience and to learn about yourself. Through higher education, you will open doors, expand your mind,
and you're being exposed to people of all types.
Attitude is how we express our inner-personality. It shows in our facial-expressions, body-language, tone of voice, even our posture.
If you can make friends, you are two-thirds of the way to having your first gay-relationship. Keep practicing. The same things you do to attract friends, attracts potential boyfriends. Just don't expect every guy who likes you or wants to do you, wants to be your boyfriend. Just date, and enjoy experiences as they are presented. You have too much maturing to do; before you hitch yourself to some guy. It may last a few weeks, months, a year maybe. Just don't weigh it down talking like you do in your post.
Positive-attitude is what people are most sensitive and drawn to, when searching for a mate. If I approach you, I need a positive-vibe, I need to sense your confidence, and you should make me feel welcomed within your personal-space.
I should feel your joy for life. You should be fun to be around. Like being with your friends. Not needy or desperate; like you're going to swallow the guy whole,or absorb him through your skin. Lighten-up!
If you are glum, you hardly speak, and make little effort to interact? Most guys will go look for someone more interesting and appealing elsewhere.
Am I making any sense to you here?
Your color has nothing to do with anything. Yes, there is racism in the world. Was here before you were born, and will be here when you're laid to rest in a grave. Yet, we have ways of overcoming obstacles, reaching for something better, and having the faith to reach our goals. In spite of everything, or anyone, that says we can't. You can and will be kissed. You can and will survive in a world that seems bad things are always happening.
But good things happen to.
Like this gay man taking his time while working to answer your post. I know how you feel. One difference. I was taught as a child that no one owes me anything; but I'm entitled to anything I work hard to achieve. Sometimes we work hard for a long-time, and that goal seems impossible to reach.
Well, we can give-up; or persevere. You can set any time-table you want. Destiny may stubbornly set the "schedule" for events, and how they will fall into place.
You may not like how long it takes or how much work it requires to get there. If you have a positive attitude, and appreciate even small achievements. The journey there is a lot easier.
Small blessings start to add-up. You'll enjoy life as you seek what you want and need. Learn to overcome the obstacles getting in your way. Appreciate the people who inspire you, open doors for you; even criticize you to make you a better person.
You have friends. People you like being around you. They like including you in the fold. You have fun together. My boy, that's a good start. Hold on to that thought. It's going to be good, and bad.
My grandfather used to say; "if it wasn't for bad times, we wouldn't cherish the good-times as much!" Your youth is a time of discovery, innocence, and fun. Sometimes, tragedy.
Enjoy good things as they come your way.
Immediate-gratification isn't always how life presents the things you want. Be patient, positive, and enjoy yourself. Let old people complain and be bitter. We've put up with more than you have.
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