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female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: I've been on this site for a while and I'm horrified at the number if times cheaters have been told to keep quiet about the affair or the kiss 'to spare the partner's feelings'.If my partner cheated on me I would want to know. If he cheated and then lied about it / kept quiet about it and then I found out on my own or through someone else I would dump him for the lie not the cheating.I'd feel like my whole relationship was a lie. Even the good times, I'd question if those were real and I'd find to trust someone ever again. For me, apologising means remorse + taking responsibility of mistake + accountability to the one you cheated on + root cause analysis + working AS A COUPLE to fix what went wrong. Even if everything was perfect and there's nothing that the cheated on can 'improve' in the relationship, s/he has the right to choose whether to stay or leave the relationship.Am I the only one who feels like this? Most of the advice on this site is to hide the truth. Is that the way most people in society think? If that's the norm, how do people trust each other?The fact that I have faced and resisted temptation makes me feel secure that my partner can and does resist temptation too. But if I've cheated and kept it under wraps, I'd get paranoid that he has, he is or he will cheat on me at some point. I'd be this paranoid because in my head, this is how our relationship works. What do you guys think?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 September 2015): Sometimes in life people get together at different times in there development. Some may be in a relationship but still wish to play the field. Occasionally there will be dips in romance and lust for one another and with an active social life and large amounts of alcohol mistakes can be made. Sociaty programmes everyone that monogamy is what nature intended which is not true. Cheating and lie's compiled with guilt can be one of the most crippling fealings know. However so can breaking someone's heart who you do actually love. Do you honestly own up to everything you mess up on in life? Of course not. Should you learn from it? Yes. If you make one, two or serval mistakes in relationships view it as lessons learned. You have 80 years if your lucky on this planet and then you turn to dust and nothing you did or have done will really matter anymore. Don't just break someone who cares for you and who you care about because you feel bad for drunken mistakes you made in your 20's.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 September 2015): You hope and trust that your relationship is built on honesty and we hope you have definately found the perfect partner for you, but not all people do.Some learn to shape their behaviour as they go along unless pre-conversations take place about possible future events.Different advice is given to different people in different circumstances as it is felt appropriate.I myself know of quite a few successful relationships where cheating has occurred prior to marriage or commitment.The circumstances where concealment is better is usually whhere the person has tarnished themselves so utterly in their eyes by the grossest of mistakes, that they would do anything to get themselves back to where they were before the terrible error. This is not a question of secret joy, or intensity..it is a question of removing self loathing by forgiveness and reinforcement of future committment.It does not imply there will ever be cheating again.By the way cheating is no comparison with murder.Murder is irrideemable and permanent..it can never be right in any circumstances,so i wish you every success in your relationship and i congratulate you on clarity without learning from experience because some of those people go through torment before they can resolve it.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 September 2015): If a convicted murderer argues that sometimes it's okay to kill people, do the rest of us weigh their opinion as high as the victim's family members?But people listen to admitted cheaters saying sometimes its better to lie about it. We hear it all the time. I do not say this to point fingers at individuals here, I just mean the larger point. People who defend lying usually happen to be people who have cheated before. People who protest lying the loudest are usually people with no past history of cheating. Some have been victims of a lying cheater before. Its crazy that everyone acts like these two groups have equally valid opinions on the subject. I understand that occasionally lying about an affair really is the kinder and better option. So what? Murder is occasionally defensible too. That does not mean we should debate whether murder is really wrong every time someone kills someone else. It's NORMALLY wrong. The other cases are RARE EXCEPTIONS.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 September 2015): I wish I was as wise as WiseOwlE. He gives the best advice. Thank you sir 3
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male
reader, Denizen  +, writes (3 September 2015):
 The answer depends so much on the situation. While honesty is often deemed the best policy, I can imagine a situation in which years of a happy relationship could be put at risk, possibly including children, because someone wanted a little bit of sparkle in their life.
If you care for your partner you have to decide which is the right course of action.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 September 2015): IMO it's kind of predictable which people feel which way. People who have been cheated on have sharper feelings about it. People who have done the cheating are more forgiving of cheaters and don't seem to view the crime as quite so bad. Not on average. IMO women are more likely to believe in keeping cheating a secret than men. Women are more focused on emotional well-being and preserving relationships compared to men. There are also natural factors. If a woman gets cheated on she cannot end up secretly raising another woman's child. If a woman does the cheating then she has more to lose by coming clean if the father does not want to raise a child he is no longer sure about. Men are more likely to think the truth should win out because they tend to weigh principles higher than preserving feelings compared to women. And if they get cheated on then they might raise another man's child so they have FAR, FAR more to lose.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 September 2015): There is no one-size fits all response to the matter of minor slips and mistakes. They all depend on the depth of a relationship and the circumstances under which a mistake was made.
You sound like a person who would be very paranoid and dramatic about things. You can't do that in a relationship.
Don't forget, you're connected to another human being. Nothing irks me more, than people who act as though they are incapable of making mistakes; and place a lot of stress on their relationships out of nothing more than "insecurity."
Insecurity kills relationships!!! The more you want to know the more you'll stress your partner; because the paranoia will get the better of you. Yes you want to know if they are straight out cheating. Not one minor human mistake.
Stuff happens. It takes maturity and wisdom to deal with adversity and challenges. That is developed over time. It also depends on personality.
Death of a relationship by insecurity is a slow agonizing and painful death. Wrought with arguments, suspicion, and drama. I had a relationship that lasted 28 years until he died. My current has lasted a year and a half. I don't waste my valuable time worrying if he has made a mistake. I have to go on what he gives me from his heart. I don't want to cheat. I have not cheated thus far, but it doesn't mean I can't. I know human nature, and even caught my previous long-time partner in the act of cheating. Five years into the relationship!!! I had to make a decision based on our history.
If it happens with my present, he will not receive the same outcome. He will not get that reprieve; because I only had it in me once. Otherwise; I don't care about what I haven't discovered, nor witnessed. If I find evidence, I will tell what I know; and end it without drama and all the bullsh*t.
That nonsense about how you want to work it out sounds good in theory. If you're insecure, you'll just be suspicious and sitting on the edge of your nerves every move your partner makes out of your sight and beyond your radar.
I'm too mature and wise for that crap. I've seen a lot, done a lot, and some things just don't require a lot of theatrics and over-emotionalizing. It's called dignity and
refinement. It comes with age, education, and experience.
You fix what you can, and don't sweat what you can't.
My current partner and I have talked about infidelity, and we are brutally honest with each other. He has been cheated on several times. He has survived without bitterness or cynicism. I admire him for it.
It would break my heart only if I actually knew; but not keep me in a tissy wondering if he ever has. I will never go through his phone, devices, or private records. I will never question his comings and goings. He treats me with that same respect and trust. There are no guarantees in life, and you don't get a warranty with relationships.
I guess you have to live and learn. Relationships last when there's trust. I don't want to know his every secret, and I'm not going to tell him all of mine. Only a damned fool spills his guts thinking it's noble, when all it does is cause pain and aggravation. Best you not do anything to hide to begin with. That's common-sense.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 September 2015): I can see both sides of the argument. Id normally say honesty is best, but then again life isnt black and white. I get why some think telling is selfish, if all it will do is make you feel better while hurting the wronged. Its YOUR mistake so YOU live with it. If you murdered someone and confessing would get your mother incarcerated for life would it really be fair to hurt someone you love just because someone "has a right to know"? For me personally,if my partner slept with someone else, or had an affair then I would want to know so I could end the relationship. But a one time drunken snog i think ignorance is bliss. Its not worth the hurt it would cause. But thats just me, as different people have different circstances and some may disagree. Like I say, some people do not see everything in black and white.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 September 2015): For me personally, it would depend on the scale of the cheating so if it was a drunken kiss that happened a year ago that I would probably forgive if i knew, then I would like to be kept in blissful ignorance. I just wouldnt want the hurt over something so minor in the grand scheme of things. For the sake of me and my two kids, i would rather not know. For my partner to tell me about a regretful kiss and hurt me and cause upset would be selfish,as long as he didnt repeat offend. However if he slept with someone or had an affair, then I would want to know because I could not forgive him then. This is because, unlike a one off kiss, the thought of him sneaking and planning knowingly hurting me would be unforgiveable. So all in all, if its a minor incident such as a one off kiss that Id forgive Id rather be spared the hurt, but an ongoing thing or if he slept with someone else, then yes, Id like to know so I could leave him and move on with life without him. But for a kiss, Id rather his guilt ate him up.
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female
reader, Ivyblue  +, writes (2 September 2015):
 Depending on where you are in the relationship. The deliberate act of cheating yes I would but a one off drunken snog, with some random where the "OMG what have I done" guilt was more painful than the hang over itself and the fear of me finding out would scare them back into not ever going down that track again then no probably not.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 September 2015): "I'd feel like my whole relationship was a lie. Even the good times, I'd question if those were real and I'd find to trust someone ever again. For me, apologising means remorse + taking responsibility of mistake + accountability to the one you cheated on + root cause analysis + working AS A COUPLE to fix what went wrong. Even if everything was perfect and there's nothing that the cheated on can 'improve' in the relationship, s/he has the right to choose whether to stay or leave the relationship."I agree with you. But You ASSUME it will work out like this. Cheating is messy. Just as break ups.I assumed the same. He cheated and left me for her. No "fixing" anything or desire to find the root cause+fix it. Just running away with a newer model.Honestly, in my case? I would have rather not known. I still feel the repercussions of it to this day, whereas he goes on with his life (with no remorse/guilt!) as well. No consequences for him,plenty of emotional consequences for me (and I'm not even the one who cheated!)So,no-dealing with the consequences of somebody else's actions,on your own, no. especially when they have devastating impact (nearly put me in hospital).I'd much rather not have known and he would have just left. Am I happy to know now?maybe,just because it is the truth,but I see no actual/tangible benefit in knowing the truth to me, the wronged part. It just hurts more. And, yes,it does feel like it's all lies, like somebody just threw ashes upon the whole thing.If he would have just broken up with me and not told me?Meh,hard,but nowhere as hard as what I went through.
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reader, Slippers +, writes (2 September 2015):
As a RMN ( health nurse) I would as do most of the aunts, ask anyone to lie to their spouse .. However if it were a infatuation say and no harm was done; then I would advise to look at what was lacking in the relationship ..think back to when you first meet and look at implementing those moments back into your life and it is easy to become bogged down in the reality of life.
But I would not condone cheating .. as do the majority here .
However, just because you don't cheat doesn't gaurentee anyone won't .. All you can do is develop your relation .. be open .. clear on what is a deal breaker . Have trust .
Relationships are hard work ..
Take care sweetie .
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (2 September 2015):
 I think cheating should never be swept under the carpet. If you can't be honest with your partner what's the point?
We have had stories/post where someone "think" they shared a drunken kiss a year ago and I think is pointless to bring up - a year later. It should have been brought up after the fact not a YEAR after the fact.
If someone makes the CHOICE to cheat physically and/or emotionally, I think they OWE their partner the truth. I think it should be UP to the partner if they are willing to forgive, work through it and move on - or just end it.
If my partner (in my case husband) cheated on me, yes, I'd want to know. Because I would move on to a divorce. It wouldn't matter if he told me himself or I found out. Cheating is cheating and the "root" of that... is not about faults in the relationship but "faults" in the partner who thinks cheating is OK. And for me, personally, cheating is NEVER OK.
I haven't seen a lot of advice to "hide" it. Except from that "I kissed a dude years ago and I feel bad". Obviously she LEARNED from this, though she didn't LEARN to be honest from the get go. But a drunken kiss? Eh..
I do agree that cheaters are more paranoid because they themselves have betrayed a partner. And I think a LOT of the posts we see where someone mentions that their partner constantly accuses them of cheating but they aren't - are overlooking the fact that the accuser might be the cheater.
I don't agree that there always is a "fix". I think in some cases it destroys the relationship to a point where neither party wants to fix things, and... split up instead. Which again I see no problem with. I don't think EVERYTHING can be fixed with counseling or talking about it etc. Sometimes things just breaks down.
I think this subject is partly why people need to go slow in the dating/picking a mate process - to find someone who have the same values. It doesn't rule out cheating (unfortunately) but hopefully it rules out someone cheating and hiding it for years.
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reader, dougbcoll +, writes (2 September 2015):
 i agree with you. a relationship with lies, mistrust, hidden secrets is built on shaky ground. a relationship should be built on trust, honesty,love, and nothing hidden. i have a friend where his wife cheated and kept it hidden for about 4 or 5 years with several men. she confessed everything to him. he is still with her but the trust is not the same. he suspected all along. they went or are still going to marriage counseling , ect... i am against covering up things with a lie, or keeping things hidden. a relationship with lies, covering up cheating cant have much trust in it. the marriage would seem shallow , wit h a wall between the two.
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