A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Dear Cupid, My name is Alexis and I'm 18 years old. I met the man of my dreams of 21, four years ago and we have been together ever since. When we first started dating, I knew I could picture myself getting married to him, and having a family with him. It was all a fairy-tale.But in 2005, My boyfriend was diagnosed with Glaucoma. He started slowly losing his vision, and in 2008 he went blind.I made a consicious desicion to stay with him throughout this. He was still the man I had fallen in love with, he was still un-selfish, it still put everyone elses needs before himself.In 2009, his parents moved to Ottawa. I moved into their house to help my boyfriend with his basic needs. Every morning, I help him get dressed, and help him get in and out of the shower, I then make him breakfast, and walk him to the bus-stop. I then walk a ten minute distance to my local high-school. After school, I pick him up from the bus-stop, and then I make him dinner, help him get undressed and eventually I put him to bed.I was always happy to help him with whatever he needed and I always told him he shouldn't have to rely on a service dog when he has me. I thought that I could just take all the weight off his shoulders and I could be a super-hero.But, now I feel the pressure. I feel like I won't ever have a normal life, or be able to experience the fun things people my age get to do. In 2011 we plan to get married and start a family, but I'm wondering if we could do this, seeing how he is dependant on me. I feel like I would be a single mother.Don't get me wrong, I love him so much. He is the biggest joy in my life. I just don't know where else to turn, or who to talk to because there are not a lot of people who can relate to my situation.Everyone abandoned me when I stayed with him, everyone started drifting apart from me like my boyfriend had caught a disease and I had it too. He makes me so happy and he has the most amazing sense of humor but I wonder sometimes if I'm settling and I don't ever want to feel like I'm forced to stay with him because I don't want to abandon him.All I'm asking for is 5 minutes, put yourself in my shoes and tell me what you would do in this situation. Would you stay, or would you go?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 April 2011): I am blind I don't require help with these things, I suggest you get your bf into a training program so he can take care of himself. Find the nearest National Federation of the blind training center and get him into it. There's no reason why he should require any more assistance than any other man you might date and he is more than able to care for children too. There are many blind couples who raise families, without, any, sighted assistance.
A
female
reader, srs21  +, writes (14 April 2011):
Hello Alexis,
I have a blind boyfriend as well accept he's been blind ever since he was 19 years old. When he was born he was diagnosed with Retinitis Pigmentosa. And he had tunnel vision when he had vision and then he lost it at 19. Anyway, I love him very much and he's actually very independent. People who become blind are more dependent on others because they don't know how to be blind so to speak. I suggest a training would help him out and he'd feel a lot comfortable being independent. You probably did some research, But just incase you didn't talk to some state workers that can help finance a training center and the one I highly recommend is Blind Inc. and it's located in Minneapolis, MN. Please read up on it and it would change you Fiance's life. Good Luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2010): Id stay, As long your happy. You know he's still the man you fell in love with but you cant baby him just because he is blind. Your his girlyfriend not his mommy.
He's a grown man and can do things on his own. You two should go talk to other blinds and think about what you two can do and go about this another way.
He can get a service dog or guide dog, whatever its called. Sure you want to be there as much as possible because you love him but what are you going to do when you both wants kids? You wont be able to manage that and him on your own.
Talk about with him a little bit ok.
You cannot see the love two people share. Soft wind for the blood that flows through you and him, the cold rain that drips for the warmth you and him keep so close :) Although there is no end to a circle I wish you both stuck in the loop.
I hope you get what im trying to say. That no matter what, you need each other and you both need to understand where your coming from to get to where you hope to be. To take the steps into something totally worth the while.
Xoxo Best wishes
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2010): I want you to know that you are one of the most amazing individuals I have ever come to know on a public forum. You are an amazing, loving, and selfless young woman. I hope that you will seek out and find the support you need in order to help the two of you navigate through this situation.
I read so many stories involving selfishness. You have touched my heart. Bless you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2010): I dont know specific things about your bf, but i would get him some other options to his aid so he doesnt have to always rely on you (i.e. maybe a guide dog). Good Luck!
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female
reader, Battista  +, writes (2 November 2010):
I think you have made this into a much more difficult situation than it needs to be.
You sound like a great, caring person and I am glad you have a bf whom you love so much. However, I think you have put yourself into a position where your bf has become way too dependent on you. You don't need to be doing all this stuff. It sounds like you are turning yourself into a bit of a martyr and it's completely unnecessary.
I wonder if your bf doesn't have the heart so say anything to you. I mean, think about if you were in his shoes; would you want to be picked up off the bus, dressed, put to bed?!!!!!! From what you say you are treating him as though he is a complete invalid, and can't do anything for himself. This is not the case. Your bf will quickly learn how to do these things for himself, and to be honest, he may well appreciate the independence. Certainly the putting to bed bit sounds to me like you are really overdoing things and seem to have this impression that he is completely incapable. He ISN'T incapable. He is blind. There is so much he can do for himself. I think you are making things even more difficult for him than need be because you are taking away all opportunity for him to be able to learn new life skills which he needs since his glaucoma. Perhaps you like him being so dependent on you, however, this is a really dangerous and unhealthy position to get into if it's not necessary.
Make your bf get a guide-dog as we call them over here and let your bf have a bit of independence. That will not only take the weight off you and give your bf some good skills. Your bf may well appreciate it as well.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 November 2010): Alexis. i am seventeen and i am in your shoes. my boyfriend is also blind he is 21. I personally have thought of everything you have. The kids situation and if i am settling.. The thing is i love him so much that i know that will help us through the tough times. However i do agree with everyone else. He needs to be independant. my boyfriend hates it when i do things for him, and because of that you almost forget about the situation.. it will be hard at first for him to learn everything but you will be there to guide him through that. The hardest thing for them i have been told is the fact that they have already seen the world and it has been taken away from them.. they get frustraited when they cant see what you have changed about you hair or what you look like but to them you wil always look beautiful..if he doesnt want to get a service dog to begin with then let him use a caine .. A dog would be better but starting with the caine is a good starting point.. The thing is if he is not depepndant one day you will break down.. he was the man u fell in love with and he still is. Its all new to him it will take a while but the other senses that he has will develop to make up for the loss in vision.. if you love him then why not stay with him. ... in the end it is your decision.. i know how you feel and it is scarry not knowing the future leaves me petrified, you dont know who to turn to, you dont want to go to them because your scared you will offend them.. :)
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female
reader, Gabrielle Stoker +, writes (2 November 2010):
 A couple of things come out from your question that I think are important to your situation - firstly that you do seem to dearly love this man and secondly that you have let him become practically dependent on you.
Since you love him, obviously the right thing to do is to stay. It's the second point that I'd like to dwell on a bit:
Sometimes the hardest thing is to be the bad person, but it's also often the kindest thing. Get the service dog, if they have a school for blind people to learn to be self-sufficient where you are, enrol him there. You have to realize (and he and his family also have to realize) that your love for him mandates that you be his girlfriend, not his caregiver. It may hurt you both to begin with to let him do more things on his own but I genuinely feel (and admittedly this is only an opinion) that in the long run the more independent he is, the better husband he will make when the time comes.
Don't rush the wedding. There will be time for that. Men are...unpredictable , and you're both young.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 November 2010): He is blind, not dead, and needs to be independent.If he is great, then do stay, but remember he has to be independent.What is he going to do if YOU don't see a truck when you are driving and YOU end up dead?Settling? Let me tell you, if he makes you laugh, you have fun with him sexually, and you enjoy time with him you have one hell of a lot more than I had when I was your age and for a long time afterward.Partners that put others before themselves, that make you laugh, that have a good sense of humor, that you enjoy being with are RARE AS HEN'S TEETH!Talk to Blind School people, other blind people.Also, don't let the blind part fool you....some of these people are actually able to hear, write, talk, run for office (we have a blind governor in New York), and a lot more. They can be sneaky because they are blind and we can't see them well because of it.
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female
reader, Miss.Me +, writes (2 November 2010):
 You are such a good-hearted person. I commend you for staying with your boyfriend as he went through this ordeal. I want to share with you a short film I think you will appreciate. The link is http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=flkFW5E0XcM. If links arent allowed then search for "Small Pleasures" on youtube. I have a friend who also lost his eyesight; not too long ago he got married. Even though his wife might help him with some things, he was and still is able to do most things by himself. You can help, but let him learn to be independent. I'm happy to hear he still makes you laugh. Life continues to be beautiful even if after going through hardships :)
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A
male
reader, Cerberus_Raphael  +, writes (2 November 2010):
 No doubt he would have learnt how to walk in and out of the shower, as long as the soaps are in place, I see no problem. Little things like that are manageable, he can learn and you will have one less thing to take care of. When people lose one sense completely, the others become more sensitive. His sense of touch, taste, smell, his hearing. This is what he needs to rely on. He can learn, you simply need to give him a chance. Be there when he falls but let him be the one to stumble.
So stay if you wish to help him or leave if you really wish for 'freedom'.
I hope that helps.
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A
female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (2 November 2010):
 First off I want to say what a touching story..
What would I do in your shoes, if I truly loved him I would stay. There would be no question about that. Would it be easy? Hell no. But it's definitely possible.
Being 21 and blind I'm sure he would apply for disability, that would help with the household income. You would have to finish school, then wait to have a family. Probably also have to employ a nanny for help at first. Sure he can't see but there's ways of him navigating around the house, and with children. I'd definitely get him a service dog as well..He's only been blind for so long, I'm sure he needs time to adjust and get a routine down. The same would go for when you have children, an infant would be difficult for him to care for, and sure he'll need some aid. I have no doubt he can still perform as a husband if that's what you want in him. Don't be with him because you feel stuck and sorry for him, because that's not fair to him. You know it's not going to be easy, but stay because you truly love him and want a life with him. Regardless of his disability.
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female
reader, followtheblackrabbit  +, writes (2 November 2010):
 I would stay :) but hon, let me add that I was bothered by the comment: he doesn't need a dog to help when he has you. I really and truly believe that he needs more idependence-not only for your sake, but his as well. He may not tell you, but what if he's feeling mothered too? What if he resents it but because you're being so sweet and sacrificing, he feels terrible complaining? He's a man and a lack of independence can deeply affect him too. You're still quite young and it's obvious that you love him-but why rush into marriage so soon? I dated and cared for a man with a disability and can relate. His family hated that I asked him to learn things, they wanted me to baby him. But, he was a man I cared for. I wanted him to be able to go anywhere he wanted, get dressed alone etc. I was happy to help with things he couldn't do, but I loved to seeing his frustrations/embarassment diminish. His family wanted marriage but, we didn't feel ready and we knew we were too different too. We're still friends :)
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