A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hey Cupids,Not sure what I am asking for here but I wanted to share something with you.I have a friend who I was close with for the last 3 years, let’s call him Ed. We became close friends after issues happening in our lives made us need support and I was new to the area at the time. Now Ed is going through another bad patch; lost his job, can’t find another after numerous interviews, got mugged and his girlfriend left him. I used to talk him out of anything that upset him and he used to help me too, but this time he isn’t talking to me or anyone really and it’s been 6 weeks now. I have tried to call him and in the end emailed him saying, I am thinking of him but I know full well there is nothing I can do. I now have a new friend let’s call him Greg. Who is becoming close and I’m getting to know his social circle too. He’s great fun and I don’t feel like I have to carry him all the time. He is also very reliable and I want to spend more time in his company as does he with me. But I feel a bit mixed about moving on. I've tried to help Ed for 3 years now and Ed’s issues aren't his entire fault but it is out of my control. Greg is great and hanging out with him makes me feel better about the situation, Greg knows nothing of the situation or how I feel about it. As I don’t know Greg that well yet I am also questioning getting close because I don’t want to find out he is another Ed and then the cycle begins. If you were me, what would you do?
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (1 December 2013):
 I think you have tried to be there for Ed for so long it becomes habit (hence the once a week contact) If he hasn't put forth ANY effort to contact you back or reply then yes, I would let Ed go. If he misses the friendship he KNOWS where to find you.
Whatever is going on in Ed's life is not something you can fix. He has to do that himself. Let him know if he needs support or a talk you are there. Then let him go.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 December 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHey all, I spent all day yesterday thinking about how when people start to get close to me I do end up on my guard a lot and perhaps look for issues which may or may not be there. I was bullied a lot at school so this is a side I still struggle to shake off sometimes. I am the type of person who doesn't like large groups all of the time and I don't exactly have a close circle of friends. I tend to get close to one or two people. I think about Ed everyday and I wonder what I can do for him, I message him once a week and keep it brief, I am worried that if I come across as too heavy or try and make him communicate because that might push him away. I'd never leave him to rot, he's one of my best friends. One of my other friends who doesn't know him is persuading me to leave him to it. Greg is really becoming the distraction which is taking my mind off missing Ed. One of my other friends whose never met Ed is persuading me to do nothing and let Ed come to me. Maybe Ed's already moved on and it's time I did the same.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (30 November 2013):
You weren't dating Ed, so I don't think it really matters. I don't think you have to explain anything to Greg either.
Just take to slow and see where it goes.
If he seems as "needy" (in lack of a better word) as Ed, taper of the contact and move on.
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A
female
reader, Euphoric29  +, writes (30 November 2013):
Dear OP,
If I was you, I would appreciate the new friend without forgetting the old one. You don't have to chose.
It's right, you probably can't solve Ed's problems. But you can still let him know you feel for him and you care, right? I mean, the guy has lost everything he had. He didn't answer his phone. Maybe just try to call him again? Or drop by his house?
You don't need to rush things with Greg either. Greg doesn't want to spend as much time with you as you want to spend with him, anyway. So there's not really a problem, you can just let this develop naturally, be patient and see where things go with Greg. He doesn't seem to need your help at all, though, so I don't see how he could turn into another Ed.
I don't want to be all about morals.. but if Ed was good enough of a friend when you were feeling low, I don't think it's fair to forget about him now. This is probably the worst time of his life. You don't have to sacrifice your happiness for him, just a little bit of your time and compassion. Just sending an email and then letting him rot in his misery is a bit meager, considered you've been friends for 3 years now.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (30 November 2013):
 There is no need to dump Ed now that Greg has come along, there is no reason why you cant be part of a number of social circles. As for getting close to Greg based on what happened with Ed, are you really willing to close part of yourself down just in case.
We are more resilient than we give ourselves credit for at times, take a chance, life is a gamble anyway, even if we wrapped ourselves in cotton wool and never stepped outside our rooms we could still all meet an untimely end.
Life is for living, be friendly and open and supportive when needed, with Ed and Greg and any new friends that come along.
There was a bible parable, toss your bread upon the waters and it will come back ten fold, or, to put it differently, take a gamble, the rewards will be worth it!
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A
female
reader, like I see it +, writes (30 November 2013):
 You're right - you're not responsible for Ed's problems. You did not create them and it's clear from your post that you've tried reaching out to him. Unfortunately you can't force him to accept emotional support, no matter how badly he may need it, and if he won't talk to you, well, you've tried everything you could. You're not married or related to the guy, so please don't feel guilty about moving on.
Now on to your question. Technically any new friend you ever meet could be another "Ed" in disguise, but I don't think that's worth swearing off friendship entirely. Letting the dynamic you had with Ed poison your budding friendship with "Greg" would be kind of like constantly accusing a new partner of cheating just because a past partner previously cheated on you. Not really fair, right? Not fair to Greg because he's suffering for mistakes that aren't his, and not fair to you because friendship is something you should be able to enjoy without being put through an emotional wringer on a regular basis.
Nothing says you and Greg have to become best friends, or that you have to let him into your life any farther than you feel comfortable doing, but healthy and positive friendships have enough potential to enrich your happiness that I think it's worth giving him a chance.
Best wishes, whatever your decision on this :)
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