A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend of 3 years is not demonstrative about his feelings for me. I like getting the occasional text or phone call, especially when I am ill or he knows I am having a tough time. I have tried calmly telling him how I feel. That intimacy to me is really important for me to feel sexy towards him. To want to even be in a relationship with him but as the years have progressed I actually get less of his time and attention. He is a good boyfriend when we are alone but I feel when he leaves our home it is as if I don't exist.He says it is because he is busy but he used to email me and text me regularly. I am not asking for every day but it would be nice to know he is thinking of me sometimes. He never brings me flowers or little presents either. I am starting to feel less love for him. If you tell your lover what you need and they don't even make an effort to hear you is it time to leave? Or is it, as he says, normal for couples to treat each other with less concern as the years go on. He still wants sex everyday.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 October 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHe doesn't like to kiss unless we are having sex. He doesn't do little things that show me he cares. I wash his clothes, I used to make him breakfast and pack his lunch. I stopped doing that a week ago. I take care of his elderly mother. I buy presents for his children for birthdays etc. I go to his daughter's school activities. Hell, I have sex with him regularly because I know how important it is to a man to feel loved like that and I enjoy it.I will try and reach out one last time. I did not mean that he doesn't contact me just during the day but every time he leaves the house without me. Which is a lot. He has a lot of activities that don't include me. He is great with me at home. Holds my hand etc. We read together, enjoy each others company though he rarely talks about his day with me. Thanks for all the advice.
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (15 October 2013):
 IF you buy in to: "....couples to treat each other with less concern as the years go on." AND that "...He still wants sex everyday...." THEN he will have successfully gotten you to morph from his "girlfriend" to a TART!!!!!
Which do you prefer to be???? (You can't be both!!!)....
Good luck...
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A
female
reader, Aunty Babbit  +, writes (15 October 2013):
 Personally I'm not bothered about flowers and things, I never have been.
But I do like my husband to demonstrate that he loves me.
I don't need texts or phone calls but I do notice the little things such as,
In the icy winter mornings he'll often scrape my car windows before he leaves for work to save me getting cold doing it.
He'll have a cup of tea ready when I walk in from work.
Little things like this show me that he thinks of me when I'm not around and it means so much.
I understand what you're saying, your guy doesn't do ANYTHING to demonstrate that you are important to him and he thinks of you when you are not with him.
Personally I've never told a partner what I would like them to do (except in the bedroom!) because I always then think their actions are an afterthought and that they're only doing it because I said so, not because they want too!
However, you do need to talk to him about this.
Basically he's taking you for granted. Your relationship has reached a point where he feels safe and comfortable and he doesn't think he has to try anymore.
You have to make him understand that you are not a high maintenance girlfriend, you're not asking for the world BUT if he doesn't start showing you that he cares about you and needs you in his life then he risks losing you.
We can all find a few minutes each day to send a text or make a quick call.
Of course I'm saying all this based on the assumption that you show your guy love and affection and do little things that make him feel cherished and special too.
If your guy can't make a few small changes to his routine to accommodate his girlfriend and make her feel loved then I you'll have to either have to accept him as he is or rethink this relationship.
I hope this helps AB x
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (15 October 2013):
Assuming you've said everything you can to get him to change and he either refuses to listen or refuses to change, then it is time to make a decision.
You can stay and accept things for the way they are without complaining or you can leave him and let him know that the two of you aren't compatible.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (15 October 2013):
 I think the short answer is that for men, sex is the emotional connection to their lover. Some don't understand that many women need more emotional connection OUTSIDE the bedroom. Try to explain that to him, that you feel less connected to him, despite having sex everyday, because you feel like you don't occupy any space in his busy day.
Ask him to put in 15 minutes in his day into nurturing your relationship OUTSIDE the bedroom. That could be buying flowers or a sweet card, texting or calling you, or whatever ideas he can come up with on his own to 'woo' you. Tell him that you in turn will put in 15 extra minutes into his needs, whatever those may be, in the bedroom. See if that doesn't stimulate the needed effort on his side.
You could also try to fill up your days so much that you don't even notice his lack of attention, and maybe he'll wake up one day and wonder where you went.
But I would try to put it into his terms, using metaphors he will grasp. Does he like sports? A team doesn't show up on the field ready to go without warming up first. The bedroom being the field and the warming up being the phone calls/texts/flowers/cards…. he might get that.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 October 2013): Is it just the day-time communication and the gift-giving that are the only ways you feel that he is non-demonstrative? Or are there other issues as well? You refer to "our home" so I'll assume you live together... do you spend time together in the evenings or do you go off and do separate activities? Do you chat - are you interested in each other's day etc? Do you spend week-end time and holiday time together doing activities you both enjoy? Does he hold your hand or hug/kiss you at times when it's not a prelude to sex? Is you sex-life good?
If you feel fulfilled in all these other areas I think that you may be a little bit needy in wanting to hear from during the working day especially if you live with him. Maybe your own day isn't fulfilling enough
I somtimes wonder how people managed to maintain relationships at all before the communication revolution. If you were in this relationship 25 years ago you wouldn't have been able to get any communication from your partner whie they were away at work unless they had a private telephone which they were allowed to use freely for non-urgent personal business. There were no emails or mobile phones or texts.
He might have found time time to contact you during the day during the early days of your relationship but he probably found this quite distracting too and has decided that he won't do it anymore because it ultimately affects his work.
Some guys just aren't the romantic type
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 October 2013):
There a certain something called a 'rut' it's when things start to calm down and people start to take each other for granted .. But sweetie he isn't just taking you for granted. He's using you as a door mat ..
Have a nice dinner, go out somewhere come home open a bottle of wine and have a good long heart to heart ..
3 years is to soon to be in this position . I have been married 24yrs with a ups n downs, though that tell you it's plain sailing, stay clear off.. Relationship no matter what they are, whether family related, business related, sweetheart related, children related, friendship related, get where I'm going ... All take blooming well hard work .. Like a garden that needs watered and pruned .. If you don't the flowers will die. (Feelings) and the garden will run rife of weeds ( big problems)
Try once more to reach out . Tell him if he wants to keep you he's going to have to date you all over again ( this means no sex for 4 months)
After the 4 months you want a ring and some insight of where this relationship is heading ( you been stick in limbo for 3 years )
Then go from there . If he doesn't want these things then I'm sorry to say but I would move on.. Your worth more than what your getting.
Take care .x
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