A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I wanted to have an open relationship with my boyfriend because he would start getting really clingy and jealous and started alienating me from everything.He said he was okay with the open relatinship because he wanted to do "anything to keep me even if that ment hooking up with other guys."So one day I went to the beach with my friend and we kissed a couple of times, nothing major, but enough to make butterflies appear in my stomach. My boyfriend knew I was going to to the beach so he found out from a friend what time I was going, and he came to the beach and spied on me the entire time. Later within the next week, he told me he knew and he broke it off completely. Now he is telling everyone that i cheated on him.Was that even considered cheating if it was an open relationship?
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female
reader, bitterblue  +, writes (4 October 2009):
 The "open" concept signifies the two partners can have other lovers outside the couple, whereas in your usual type of relationship this would be a limitation. For an open relationship to be successful one very important aspect is to discuss the rules and state them clearly, which it seems you have not. One rule could be whether or not you should inform the other of any new partner you are seeing, including the sex and other details. You probably let this and other things go without saying, be inferred. This is not how you should have an open relationship, if you insist(!) to have one. In your case this choice was a mistake from the very beginning, as you came up with the idea to prolongue the agony of an unfit relationship only because you weren't decided to break it off when it was no longer manageable; if you can't get along just the two of you, how much better did you imagine it would be by bringing yet others into the equation? And also because he seems to have accepted only for your sake. As for the cheating, if your other lovers are oblivious of the fact you are already involved with someone else, this is also considered cheating, when you are dishonest more or less also outside of your primary relationship. And to be supposed to manage all these at this age? I also think you should stick to the one-on-one relationships, monogamy is simpler, especially at your age. Try not to worry so much now, what is done is done, and irrevocable, all you can do is learn from it. You might as well try if your now ex is civilised enough, to give him your side of things and express your regret for the bad turnure of your relationship and for the fact you (both) didn't know how to manage your changed relationship status which attracted a break up in less than desired conditions. Maybe a nice talk will convince him to also move on with his life, and to stop spreading bad rumours about you - but if he continues in this fashion, he will appear most discredited and disqualified here, as it is very ungraceful for someone to be bad mouthing his exes. All the best, dear.
A
female
reader, HonningKanin  +, writes (4 October 2009):
 No you did not cheat. He agreed to an open relationship, but very clearly wasn't the type of person to deal with it. For an open relationship to work you need both parties, for one, to NOT be jealous. Jealousy kills even exclusive relationship and in open ones its just not happening.
Cheating is when you have set up relationship rules and boundries and break those rules and cross those boundries without your partners knowledge. Open relationships have their own boundries and rules and maybe he didn't realize what you were really asking for. In any case I would say you are better off without him. If you are feeling smothered, want to see other men and are not interested in exclusivity, then you need to let him go.
If anything he may be trying to guilt trip you into doing what he wants to do and keep you from doing what you want. I would say just move on and ignore what he says.
HonningKanin
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (4 October 2009):
Open relationships don't work and you've just found out why. This guy sounds like he's got some problems, so I think you'd be far better off ending this relationship completely and moving on. You haven't cheated, because you were in an open relationship. I just don't think he realized what he was getting into. End it now and move on.
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