A
male
age
41-50,
*houghtfulone
writes:Dear Cupid,I am a 34year old man, who met a 24 year old girl who told me she was a former escort. When we first met I knew her through a mutual friend we got on immmediately and enjoyed being in each others company. She when away for a year and then returned back to the mutual friend however this time when we met again our relationship developed and we got together. To know about me, I never in my life have had the urge to sleep around, for the record I get a lot of interest from Women but I have never really wanted to have sex for the sake of sex. I actually find the society that I am in (I Live in Central London W1) is a very bad example of Men and Women that seem so casual and laid back about commitment loyalty, honour etc., and the concept of one man one woman. Before you build further profile on me understand the following:I have my own business which whilst successful forms a large part of my life.I have payed for sex before as I didn't want to be in a relationship and at various points wanted to be with a woman rather than have to relieve myself through masterbation (whilst some people may think this is crude...I have a high level of self control to a point where I have walked away many times from situations where I could have had sex with a woman because although paying for sex is just as bad but I don't do it anymore. The one night stand concept in the club, seems to focus on the mating ritual which unless I really want to be with a woman I do not want to enter.Therefore going back to my relationship after some time I let my girlfriend live with me and I slowly took on a role of provider and paid for everything. She actually had a very bad start in Life I learned and had been kicked out of home at 14year old. Her Mother was from Hell and my girlfriend sadly got involved with the wrong people being exceptionally and I mean exceptionally pretty she has always had a lot of attraction discusting as it is I think perhaps their might have been attraction from her Uncle..who once quizzed her whilst she was drunk about what she does with the men she was escorting with (yes they know about that). So anyway she had a pretty low self esteem and actually used prostitution to make money for herself as oppposed to being with a very wealthy guy three times her age almost who she didn't love.We had almost three years where I paid for everything holidays to dubai, seychelles shopping trips, nice food etc etc I always with my former girlfriends shared everything and as I am a very loyal man I treated her like she was family, my wife, my lover, my girlfriend. She had never been faithful in her life and she said to me that this was the first time that she ever wanted to be faithful. I also took her to get an Aids test which was very tramatic for her I also had one. She was always worried that she might have aids as she was very very uncareful and avoided the idea of these tests. I had always been careful and as I mentioned never slept around but I did have during our relationship after about 3 months unprotected sex with her and I too was concerned when I learned about her past. Thank God the test was Negative and we had no other STD's etc. So life was good generally I had to do a lot of work to get rid of girls that she hung around who was still escorts and constantly tried to get her to join them on 'jobs' which use to infuriate me (I thought I have to get her to meet good people) rather than this people that want to drag her down. I put such a great deal of energy to try to make her and probably those are the words of my down fall 'make her' I know that you cannot make anyone do anything they don't want to so I always like to hold my emotions and just allow the person to be who they want to be...this actually had a great effect on her as she always felt trapped and felt a need to seek other relationships...with me I gave her support, love, and freedom unconditional love to the best of my ability. I am an educated man, I have the most amazing mother who allowed me to grow with a very emphatic heart, to be able to give, to not be jealous, and believe that if you work hard you can achieve for yourself. As we started to approach 3 year I knew that I needed to move away from my girlfriend to help her grow in herself I knew that she had a very strong co-dependant style personality which whilst she was rehabilating was ok as I was alway at home working but then to be a real relationship I knew she had to find a job and a passion herself. I went through a bit of a bad patch with the business and her request got a bit tiresome and I started montioning towards her getting a job. I started to lose respect for her, as I felt that rather than seeing me as a supportive male partner she was being lazy, yes i spoiled her, but she also was never use to working for £5 per hour etc. She has no real education so she was a bit stuck. I thought she would really be best with a wealthy guy like really wealthy that could give her all the trapping rather then a relatively nice life with me. We split up she went to her mothers (things had improved with them as my girlfriend learned to forgive through me). I stayed at the house....shortly she started to go back to old friends one thing after time lead to another and soon she was telling me that she loves me but she needs to support herself and wanted to go back to escorting just for the record she was rated at £500 per hour. Obviously this was a big shock, she was completely upfront about everything. As we had separated but not quite finished the relationship I took out my emotions and said that she needed to do what she thinks is best. I was very sad and broken hearted but I didn't and couldn't just let her be a kept Woman...she needed to support herself and not to be reliant on the man in her life...Sadly rather than take up hairdressing again she was a hairdresser once she went into escorting again. She said that I am the only person she ever really loved and although I have had very tearful nights and pain in my heart so unbelivably strong I thought I would die. I worked through all my pains, i didn't look to fall into some elses arms or start drinking or drugs etc. I just took the pain of loving this young woman I nutured. I decided that I would look for another woman should an option come available with a better unbringing, morals and education...the trouble is I still love my ex-girlfriend. We stopped having sex a long time ago now probably Nov last year and I have never wanted to have sex with her although she does with me as I feel that I would lose my credibility and self- respect to be with her whilst she earns this immoral money well actually it isnt immoral she is single we are not together although it is exceptionally painful to accept as the nerves are still very raw. I took the high road and did the right thing spliting I am just wondering if Men out there or Women who haven't escorted or are escorts believe that if you feel that you have the love of your life if I should stick around but just not have sex as I am or if I should not see her again unless or until she finishes for good or do you think like what i think that the fundermental part of a the trust love and bond between two people is tarnished and the extreme liberal concept of a sex worker having a relationship whilst still working is no grounds for a future.I am very confused about this, strangely she seems to be able to live with the arrangement quite well, I find that it breaks ever code I have ever had stored in my brain. I haven't seen her since she told me she has started again and says that Woman can switch off and become someone else....Do you think that I am too strict in my ways or has something broken in my world that I now see monagamy as just a concept of the mind that needs to be breeched as it is pointless...also what future later when say one of us had an affair I could simply blame her and say it was ok for her and she could say he was a client also the fear and respect of being loyal would not be an issue anymore as I would have gone back to her meaning I accept this situation. I told her that she broke something by doing this that I am not sure can be fixed its not a one night stand its a lifestyle choice however short I need to understand from anyone's point of view if we could ever have a future I truly believe she loves me and I do truly love her...if we are supposed to forgive and give unconditionally love is that not what I am expressing or am I just being stupid and need to get another new partner.. Sorry if I have been long winded I have tried to give a full fair account to both of us....
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affair, aids , drugs, drunk, escort, ex girlfriend, her past, jealous, money, my ex, one night stand, self esteem, split up, std, trapped, unprotected sex Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 June 2010): Get the hell out of this relationship. You deserve better.
A
male
reader, EscortHusband77 +, writes (26 October 2009):
HiI am very sympathetic to your situation, and I can recognise many traits in common with mine.I think the most important point in your message is the fact that you ARE READY TO WALK OFF from this relationship at any time, and are aware that you can find a woman WHO DOES NOT CROSS YOUR BOUNDARIES. This is what you absolutely need to maintain sanity."If you are against the idea of dating a prostitute break it off" is good advice. I can tell you the way I handled it in my case.We started living together in may 2009 and I thought I could handle the idea of her seeing clients and sleeping with me at night - I thought I was such a "modern" guy that this wouldn't affect me: after all that was her job. Of course I could only tolerate it BECAUSE I DID NOT LOVE HER. And she would keep on doing it because she DIDN'T LOVE ME.Soon after I fell in love with her (we do have massive amounts of laughing and fun and can stay together for days and days) hence it became a slight problem to have her disappear from the bed at 1:00 o'clock at night and come back at 7:00. I found myself crying in bed one morning and decided that I had reached the bottom, I deserved better.Of course she didn't know much about my pain - in my mind this was not something I had to tell her. She did not have to stop "for me", she had to stop because SHE loved me. That was the only way it could have worked.I started treating her like "just another girl" i.e. I told her that our relationship was now open, we were just friend - and that I could see other women... It didn't make much sense for me to be faithful while she was working as an escort.She said ok but she started acting differently and started telling me she was just seeing "regular clients", and that she just did it "for the money to live" as we couldn't afford living off my wage (of course I earn 3X average income so we could of course live off my wage, but we had to lower our standards...); but I didn't really give much thought to what she was saying anymore, started living it day by day, and started seeing other girls. Slept at "home" only half of the times.(In this meantime, she also slept with an ex once - and I don't know who else - on top of all the clients.)After 2-3 months I was tired of this relationship with her, and really wanted to sort it out one way or another. That relationship is not what I wanted anymore.So I did it.One evening in august I come back home with a couple of friends, and we are having a beer in the living room. She is about to join us, when she gets a call that she has to go see a client.I get in the bedroom I grab her arms and I look at her and tell her:"You go there tonight and you never touch me again"And the interesting thing is that I was bloody serious and ready to do it, it wasn't just a random threat.Of course she doesn't go; she sends me a message the following day in which she tells me she's done forever, and she now stays with me, and that I have to "maintain" her (didn't exactly use these words but that was the message).Two days later I will discover that she has seen a client exactly 2 hours after that message. I get very pissed off, but she tells me that was the last job she had had (it is true to this day, for the last 2 months she hasn't had a client). I choose to give her another chance as she seems really sincere. But this last thing really finishes destroying my faith in her. I don't believe her anymore, and I want a stronger woman. I don't like her idea of having to be maintained and I tell her to get a macjob or study properly, as I am not her sugar daddy.Then I am pissed off and I go on holiday where I meet this girl and I have 2 amazing days with her and nearly fall in love - in 2 days. My escort GF gets to know that I met this woman (from a mutual friend), and all of a sudden she discovers how much she loves me...She is now still very angry and jealous (she wasn't jealous before) about this and I am still very bitter about her lie on finishing with her escorting job. But it is "working". We look at each other as a family and have become much closer. I always sleep at home, and as I said she hasn't seen clients.BUT BEWARE. I am not flying with fantasy anymore.She still has to get a job, but I told her quite clearly that if she has to go back to escorting because she's incapable of giving up the lifestyle she was enjoying, and swap it with love and a family with me, then I will leave her immediately. I will leave her immediately and forever the moment she touches another man for WHATEVER reason. And again the important thing here is that I WILL do it.I and you do not want spineless women engaged in meaningless activities all day. She has to study, or she has to work, or she has to think about the family, voluntary jobs, ANYTHING! So set your boundaries and don't be afraid to be consistent and react appropriately if someone crosses them. Yes if you have to lose her, there will be nights in which your body will go crazy as she is not in bed hugging you, and you might have strange feelings of failure thinking about her back in the escorting business, but you must think that you deserve better, you deserve a girl who walks together with you, and she wasn't one. It's not your fault. Full stop.It's fundamental not to ASK to do things for you. You set your boundaries, then she can decide whether she can stay with these boundaries or walk away.To be honest even though things are going better now, I am prepared to lose this woman at any point. Now this is positive because she feels more attracted to me if she knows she can lose me at any time. She is in love NOW and would be devastated if I left her. But she has to earn my trust and LOVE back; the "system" must be completely clear of any sugar-daddy element; that will take come time.Sometimes I feel as if I am being a father, teaching her about love and life... I understand she might mistrust men because of her past (many abortions), but I can only open the door, I cannot walk for her. And at the same time I am thinking about the other girl I met, who lives in a small room, works and studies, and paid for my drinks when we went out.My patience threshold is much lower, I don't want to spend my life trying with her...Know your boundaries. Enforce them.Do not punish yourself when you don't have control on situtions.Do not make your mood dependent on other people's action.Do not allow this woman to take over your mind.Enjoy life!MRPS = I live in london too so get in touch if you need a dose of real life support over a coffee!
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A
male
reader, thoughtfulone +, writes (18 July 2009):
thoughtfulone is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHello All, here I am just logging in after a long while, I just wanted thank all those that participated and kept this thread alive, also to Anonymous lady who use to Escort 1st July. You are absolutely right the code and conduct that we are all taught that make up the fabric of Society is the right way to live. Yes Men are adulterous, females are adulterous, TV is and the new generation coming up see more careful than the last. The concept of the family which most people argue is a fairy tale, is the right way to live regardless. I believe that you should stand up for your beliefs, and separate from those who go against those values, looking back on my question to the Cupid Universe, even in my early 30's I am showing values that broken my heart. Today especially in London, people would laugh at this and think I am probably soft. Guys have meaningless sex till they don't know which way is up anymore what is special, who is special, what they believe etc. I am proud that I didn't take drugs, drink or fall into someones arms to help heal my pain. I came to Cupid, I cried, I started running and getting fit (I actually use to cry running in the rain and ran so hard and far that I was to exhausted to have any emotion) The result after 3 months of this I gave up smoking I had a 3 a week habit that was inherited from my partner at the time (i know suckered in - but then they say if you go to the barber shop long enough you will at some point end up with a hair cut!! - this is actually an important saying BE CAREFUL who you mix with - ladies if I Man is Mentally of Physically abusing you - feel the pain and leave - Men if she is Cheating no matter she is hot - its wrong leave - You will Heal I have !!! IT takes 3 Months to build an Addiction and 3 Months to break it ! Don't do drugs, do not drink, do not one night stand feel the pain do not speak to your friends speak to Annoymous people, Friends have your best interests and the information whilst kind is normally what you want to hear. Go Annoymous take the criticism, feel the pain, find the tax reciepts or sort out something you really didn't want to do like clean out the garage,Use your pain to push you. I use to think I am so down I am so hurt ..I am going to do something that I kept putting to the side. Use the pain as a catalyst the result you fall asleep exhausted, but having done something positives can you see my point. You could have got drugs, or a one night stand, or drink but they are all the devils choices wanting you to wallow for longer in your anguish ... Anyway I feel strongly about the preciousness of love thats why I give these thoughts ..I did it. Now I know I really know who my ideal Woman is she is the same Woman that I wanted strangely when I was about 14 years old, and I say this without predjudice, She comes from a good home, she is educated, she has mothering instincts, she loves me penniless or millionaire, she takes care of herself but is happy that as she grows she will grow more beautiful in spirit.. she respects the intimacy between two people, she is God fearing in terms of breaking the marriage vows, she is supportive, wise and my soul mate. I don't care if she doesn't get wolf whistles from the Builders or works in tescos at a check out for £5 per hour, whilst I make £1000 + per day, maybe she doesnt want to wear designer clothes and is happier in hiking boots walking in the forest with me. I will love and cherish her. I am not changing now I am a very good looking Man, I have money, confidence, contacts and access I can touch exclusive areas of lifestyle no issue. The Women I see, the Men I see mostly have lost touch with reality... I am happy to be either in a small council flat or on my dream a small holding a farm with my family a special unit and live as peaceful life as I can, as God would grant me... thats what I want thats what I am holding out for...she is out there she is looking for me. For now its recession and lots of work to do restructing the business, I am doing Yoga, enjoying life even though I have to work harder, I love my family, and my life, I thank God for each day and say prayers for those that have lost people they are close to, are lost, starving, in pain or ill... People there is always someone more worse off..give thoughts to those around the world even in thought...it will come back to you it works believe in better take care Thoughtfulone
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 July 2009): I read your question and my heart goes out to you. I hope my answer provides at least a little insight from someone who is on the other side of that.I am a 27-year old woman who stopped escorting about 6 months ago. I am in a relationship with a man I will call Ron, for the sake of anonymity. He's several years older than me, and has had ample experience with women in the sex industry. I work a full-time office job and had been away from any form of prostitution for a number of years.Then, money got tight. I was trying to figure out a way to make some money and figured escorting would be a wonderful way to make it happen. So, I started escorting on the side.I have quite a bit of dysfunctional family issues, addiction issues and sexual abuse/victim of sexual assault issues in my past. This creates in me a desire to be validated. But I don't get validation like people without the baggage I have do. I got my validation from being valued for the only thing I felt was valuable: my physique, what lies between my legs and my ability to perform sexually. It's sad that there are so many people who believe this same lie.I gave my partner an ultimatum: either support me in being an escort or we're through. Being the co-dependent man he is, he supported me, encouraged my behavior and even helped me whenever possible. It was lucrative, as I am a very attractive woman and worked for $300/hr.Escorting, I now believe, steals a piece of a woman's soul every time she services a client. It created a lifestyle that forced me to stuff my emotions, gave me an underlying, seething anger toward men and an unrealistic view of money.When I finally stopped, my partner went through 2 solid months of me asking why he didn't love me anymore, It was a combination of me not feeling validated in a sick way and also my loss of respect for him for supporting me in very unhealthy, risky behavior. I felt like he couldn't truly love, respect, care or like me since he was willing to contribute in any way to this damage. It almost tore us apart until we both got really honest with ourselves and each other and agreed to work separately on fixing ourselves and together on fixing a very broken relationship.For awhile, I didn't believe it could be fixed and was so hurt and angry because he didn't care enough to say no.I believe your girlfriend is a beautiful person inside and out, but very broken and fragile as well. Sometimes the things we choose to NOT tell people are the most important things. As humans (especially co-dependent humans), we can love a person to death by not calling them out on damaging and risky behavior. My advise is to set boundaries that are safe for you. If you truly love her, DO NOT endorse, accept, or support her escorting. Show her you love her (don't just tell her) by saying how you feel and not stepping aside from the boundaries that are safe for you. If it means letting go, love yourself and her enough to walk away. One day (hopefully) she will see that you actually cared enough to do the right thing. She will feel all those things from you no other man has probably ever given her: genuine love, respect and healthy validation. Show her you love her for her true self, not just what's on the outside.Hope that helps.
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A
male
reader, Frank B Kermit  +, writes (10 January 2008):
 I find your story full of hypocrisy.
You say that you believe in commitment and such, yet you also admit to paying for sex yourself.
The way you actually are, and the way you see yourself are in conflict and it is for that reason you do not know the answer for yourself.
If you are against the idea of dating a prostitute, break it off. If you pay for sex, and you want to be with her regardless, then be with her.
This is about how you are about to think about yourself. Eliminate your own hypocrisy, and you will find your answer.
-Frank B Kermit
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A
male
reader, SamuraiRick  +, writes (10 January 2008):
 Amazing story….
Well to answer one of your questions it is possible to have a relationship with someone who is in the sex business. There are many porn stars that are married, and happily so as I have heard in some cases. For these women sex is separated from love, and they can still maintain a good relationship with their husbands and boyfriends. But it takes a guy with a pretty tough heart to be able to accept his wife having sex with other men even if only as a business transaction. The truth of the matter is, as you know, sex isn’t just a business transaction. It’s the business of having the most intimate pleasure two people can have. To have to stomach your girl having sex with other men even if she isn’t enjoying it has got to be hard.
I personally have dated women who stripped for a living and although I know that’s a far cry from escorts or porn stars, I know where you are coming from. I allowed the women to have their space and do what they had to do for a living. A girlfriend of mine just did it to get her through school and now she works as an ex-ray technician and she had never turned back to that life. But the thing is she never regretted it because it helped her open doors of success for her.
If you continue your relationship with your girlfriend, try to help her to get into a school and get herself a career. She can’t do this forever! If nothing else it will screw with her sanity. It’s a good thing you have been there for her, because she can understand that love is possible, and you give her hope and support. You should still be there for her if only as a shoulder for her.
But truthfully, if you do love her accept her for what she is, what she does. Don’t let her situation affect your intimacy with her. Keep having sex with her. Make love to her. Love is not what she gets from these other men. But love is what you have for her. That love makes the sex you have with her all the more special. It appears that she really loves you in return and needs you. Someday this escort job will be all over for her, and you will be the last man standing for her. That’s what you want isn’t it?
In the meantime always do the best to improve your own career goals and move up on your own. Someday you might be able to support her so she can leave that life again. Don’t just give in to this thought of her getting herself a rich old man. You’re the man in her life, BE the man in her life!
Good luck whatever you do.
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