A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:When someone tells you that they need a little time and space to themselves, can they really love you?If you love someone don't you want to talk to them and be with them?How are you to cope with just not calling them and hoping that they will call you? Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 July 2007): I'm going through this type of situation right now - except it's the guy who needs space and i'm the girl who is sitting here missing him. He said he wants to go a week without talking to each other and see what each of us thinks about the relationship from there. It's been 4 days and I have been going crazy - I miss him so much and I couldn't imagine not being with him... It just hurts inside to think that he might be going on dates or doing things with friends and being totally happy - while I'm here totally miserable, which by the way I will try to claim I am otherwise because nobody wants to get back with somebody who is a basketcase right? (Please if you have any advice on that one give it to me - should I be happy or would that make him think i'm happy enough without him, or should I tell him that I've been very very sad??)Anyway, my point is, that he says that he loves me too - which I'm assuming is the same deal as you... I think if you believe and you feel it in your heart he/she loves you or doesn't. For me, I think he does but he's just really confused - I mean, this is the guy that we've been dating only 1 1/2 years, but we've talked about marriage, what kind of home to buy, EVERYTHING with, yet he thinks he needs time and space to make sure. I'm sure I wasn't very much help, but it surely helped me to type this all down - sometimes you've just got to vent and go over everything that happened, I'm sure eventually down the line if I am still going over every detail it won't be very healthy, but for now I've read that for the first 1-3 weeks it's normal and even healthy to vent and cry and replay it in your mind (over and over and over...). If you have any advice that helped you let me know, because I'm feeling like a basketcase that won't ever smile again over here...Thanks!
A
male
reader, Dagwood  +, writes (21 March 2007):
 Sounds like you are strong and level headed so I have no doubt that you will come through this with no problem. As you say she's pushing you away because she's probably having a tough time coping not being with you, perhaps she became emotionally dependant (as opposed to interdependant) in the relationship and does not like the feeling. You can only be truthful to her and tell her your deepest feelings and that you'll be there for her when she's ready. Then take a step back and wait for her to come back. Even if she decides not to be with you in the future your life won’t be over so there is no need to live in fear. Just try to be happy for her and hope that she will be safe and happy. Stay in touch if you need someone to talk to. Take care.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2007): Thank you for your response Dagwood.
And yes I agree and hard as it may be I am trying to give her the space she needs.
The fact however remains that I was at that point in the relationship were I did not miss her and looked forward to seeing her again during a period of (ongoing) forced separation. I guess the problem I'm having is that her need for space seems to be some sort of response to or coping mechanism for being away from me. That she is dealing with her feelings of sadness, loss and missing me by trying to push me away.
I know for certain that it's not due to her doubting the relationship, lacking love or having found someone new as she has told me multiple times that she loves me but that she doesn't think that we are going to work right now and that she needs space. I have spoken with her immediate family and they have confirmed that she does in fact still love me.
I guess the feeling I am dealing with is this: I am working very hard to make my way back to her part of the world in a way that will ensure that we can be together for the rest of our lives. However it just gets hard when feelings of uncertainty start surfacing. You start wondering if by the time you get there it'll be to late, that she still won't want to be with you. Under those circumstances it's hard not having anyone to turn to for consolation.
But I guess that's a big part of it. Believing in something, being brave and willing to take a chance on it and not letting yourself live in fear...
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A
male
reader, Dagwood +, writes (20 March 2007):
If you love someone then you'll respect their freedom and space. You don't own them. Love is about trust, desire and intimacy, NOT want or need. When you both reach the same stage in a relationship you'll know it and being apart will be ok, you won't miss each other you'll just look forward to seeing each other again. To cope you have to trust her and yourself and do other things in your life that you enjoy. If you pressure her you'll certainly chase her away. Hope this helps. Take care.
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