A
male
age
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*wsw4349
writes:this is a similar problem to what many other guys posted about being obsessed with their wives past sex lives. but this is a little different. she was married to this selfish loser for twenty years, had two kids by him.was a virgin she discovered almost immediately she had made a mistake and did not love him and was repulsed by his sexual selfishness. she would gag at the mess he left and he refused to use a condom. i asked way too many questions when we were first married, i know he was right handed, uncircumsized, and much much more, some call it invasive thoughts. at any rate,she never had an orgasm with him becauase he didnt care about pleasing her, just himself, my question is, if she was so disgusted with his semen on her why did she not insist on his wearing a condom?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 April 2013): If your wife wanted to still be with her ex she would. Instead she is with you. So why do you have to go and bring him back into her life and into yours?? Obsessing over another man's semen on your wife is not healthy. They were married and other people's marriage is no one else's business. You've got issues that are destructive to your mental health and your wife's well being. Please work on them and leave your wife out of it. Consult a therapist if you can't deal with it on your own. Otherwise your marriage will break down sooner or later and it will be of your own doing.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 April 2013): I agree with the anon who said you are lucky she was with the same man for 20 years. Anyway, you have nothing to worry about. Even if she wasn't grossed out by him at the time, she is now. I assume that's how it works with exes, unless you aren't over them. I use the word "assume" because I can only speak from my own experience. I don't know what goes on in other peoples' heads, nor do I ask them. I too was married before I got with my current husband, and I can honestly say the thought of my ex's penis and semen definitely grosses me out. It never even crossed my mind til I read this question, but I took a second to think about it, and it almost made me gag. My guess is your wife is talking about the way she feels about him NOW, perhaps then was different. Either way, you have nothing to worry about. She's with you, not him.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 April 2013): What if you were married to her for 25 years and already knew she was sexually active . what if after all this time she decided to tell you she was a prostitute before and convieniantly forgot to tell you ? Thats what I am currently dealing with. A lot of people would say you very lucky that at least she was with the same guy for twenty years .Get some professional counseling.
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A
female
reader, MsSadie +, writes (10 April 2013):
 Maybe it's retroactive disgust. That happens a lot when it comes to exes.
You need to stop worrying about all that, though. Do whatever you need to boost your ego so that you're not so insecure about the men in your woman's past. If that means therapy, hitting the gym, or reading up on tips for pleasuring your partner, make the commitment to do those things.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 April 2013): Who cares OP, why does it matter whether he wore a condom or whether he liked to put jam on his toast?
What's the big deal?
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (10 April 2013):
What the f#ck kind of question is this? You admit you asked too many questions and know too much yet here you are. What kind of answer do you want to hear?
Do you want to hear that condoms suck and his penis felt better without one? Or that she was lying to you and he actually didn't disgust her?
Stop asking questions about that have no answer that has any importance or place in your marriage. And go to your wife and tell her to stop answering your sexual history questions!
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A
female
reader, R1  +, writes (10 April 2013):
 If she was a virgin she probably didnt have the confidence or knowledge that she could say no to him or insist he wear a condom. I know many women who married their first, later on when divorced and dating other people they realised sex could be different and enjoyable! Thing is you don't know that till you experience it. She didnt realise it could be better now she does - because she is with you. What more of a compliment from her could you want...?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 April 2013): Why is this any of your business?? That is between her and herself only.
Why don't you ask her what her reasons were if you are so burning with desire to know?
I always think it is a bad idea to ask your partner what sex was like with their previous partner. It simply should not be your business.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 April 2013): Lots of reasons:1. She wanted to have kids and decided it had to be him since it would be too much effort and uncertainty to break up and look for another relationship and hope it would lead to kids.2. She was afraid of conflict and just sucked it up (no pun intended) to keep the peace. 3. maybe at the time she didn't hate him so much yet so she wasn't that disgusted. Maybe its only more recently when her feelings about him turned to disgust4. Maybe she was afraid of being alone and thus didn't want to stand up for herself out of fear he would leave5. Mayne he would get abusive if she stood up for herself and she was too invested in trying to have a normal happy family and marriage that she wanted to just go along to keep the peace6. Maybe it was religious reasons against birth control (hers or his)7. Maybe she was afraid he would cheat on her if she didn't let him have his way sexually. Being cheated on feels nasty even if you don't love your partner anymore. Basically it makes you feel lesser and puts them in a one -up position over you. People can change a lot over the years. She might have been driven by very different motivations and fears 20 years ago compared to now. Either way it is not your business about her past. they were MARRIED and their marriage lasted a lot longer than most. She must have been invested in keeping that marriage going for 20 years whatever reason and knew that having sex with one's husband is usually necessary because it is expected by society.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 April 2013): Your wife got rid of her ex because she was unhappy. He is history for a reason, and you have to bring him back into your bedroom? She relinquished his power over her once, now you've given it back to him. He is affecting her marriage and her sex life.What do you care about how they had sex? Do you get turned on by the thought? You obsess over it in a most unhealthy and unsettling way.You are punishing your wife for something in her past, like you just stepped on the planet yesterday. Why didn't you marry a virgin? You're not being fair to her or yourself. Your obsessing over this is surely manifesting in some form of resentful behavior. Your boyish jealousy and sexually motivated competition with her ex is going to make you her next ex-husband.She was a previously married woman for 20 years. You knew this from the time you started dating. You are over 40 and acting like an adolescent. Your mind should be on pleasing your wife, not her ex's penis or whether he covered it during sex. She may not have had any choice about it, if he refused to wear one. Look how it ended. He's gone.Now you're bringing him back into your marriage. Get some therapy. Your wife has been through enough already.Bring her some happiness and just be a good husband. Don't be her second mistake.
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A
male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (10 April 2013):
 I think you are over obsessing about your wife's sexual past. She was married to the man after all and even though she couldn't stand him, she had sex with him -- enough to produce two children. Also, she was married to him for 20 years... that's a long time. Most married people also have sex without using a condom, despite her displeasure with him.
It sounds like your wife lacks a bit of backbone. If she knew she made a mistake and was repulsed by him from day 1, she still stuck by him for 20 years. She also was a virgin and therefore she might've thought "this is as good as it gets" and perhaps she felt bound by religious / moral convictions; after all this was the man she married and therefore she submitted to him.
I will caution you about getting overly involved with your wife's ex and history. You can make yourself bitter, angry and resentful. Also you will make her feel guilty about her past... The fact that you are here indicates to me that your trying to turn back the hands of time... and you and I both know you'll never be able to do that. What is done is done -- accept it and move on.
If you continue to dwell on this, I suggest seeking a third party (such as a therapist) to uncover what is driving this curiosity about your wife's past before it ruins this marriage.
Eddie
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