A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My girlfriend has broken up with me after five years and is so angry at me that she won't even let me show her the changes I'm willing to make to get her back.Here is some background - She is the same age as me but her culture is different to mine, more liberal to mine. We met in college, went to the same university and during during most of the past 5 years, we spent 12 hours a day together and then spoke on the phone all night. We were very close and there was nothing we couldn't speak about. She was my best friend, lover and anything else I needed her to be. I used to think I was the same to her. She used to say I was but now tells a completely different story.We have had our problems, just like any couple of five years would have. I have been demanding and have always had the attitude of "my way or the highway" and she has sometimes frustrated me by being childish, argumentative, and at times, not very understanding when she wanted something. But we have always known eachother's positives and negatives and have been willing to accept eachother's flaws.She introduced me to her parents early into the relationship. I did not want this because I said it would put a lot more pressure on us and our relationship. My prediction was confirmed when her parents starting putting pressure on me to get engaged to her to stop gossip in their friends and extended family. I didn't formally introduce her to my family as in my culture, you don't introduce a girl to your family until you want to get married to them. I am ready to be married her, I was ready when I was 16 but I need a steady job and some money before I can support her. I have always explained this to her.Before we started this relationship, I listed every conceivable problem that we may face due to our different cultures, including families etc. I know that I can't hold her to agreements she made when we were 16 but up to recently she has always said I was worth fighting for and she would never leave me, regardless of how many problems we faced.Recently, we met my mother for lunch and shopping and she felt that I ignored her that day, paid too much attention to my mother and didn't show as much affection as I should have towards her to show my mother how much she meant to me. In my culture, to behave like that in front of your mother is disrespectful. I told her that the fact that I made sure she wore a gold ring I bought her was enough to show my mother how serious I was about her. I have had conversations with my mother about her and have told my mother that I plan to marry her. For her, if I had made my intentions clear to my mother, she wouldn't have acted coldly towards my girlfriend. The thing she doesn't see is that my mother is not an incredibly warm person, even towards me. She compares my mothers behaviour towards her to her mother's behaviour towards me, which admittedly was warmer. But she forgets that I had to deal with her scary father and argumentative brother. I had warned her before they met that my mother would not act warm until we got married and she assured me that she would not take it badly and still wanted to meet her. The inevitable happend and it was apparently my fault for "not preparing" my mother the way she did hers and my behaviour towards her on the day. My mother is not the type of mother that will be "prepared" by anyone and to be honest, I did not think I had to act in a particular way that day. Maybe that was my ignorance.Three years ago, I made a huge mistake by flirting and almost having phone sex with a friend from university. Nothing physical ever happend and even when she started talking dirty over the phone, I was the one who stopped it after thirty seconds, before anything happend. My ex never got over this and now that she has broken up with me it has become "if you loved me, you wouldn't have cheated on me". For me, it was just about attention and although I admit I was wrong, I have never betrayed her trust in the three years that followed. I do get a lot of attention from girls and if my ex ever saw me laughing with any girl, she said they just wanted to get into my pants.Before she broke up with me, she gave me an ultimatum. She said that after meeting my mother and seeing how I was towards her when my family were around, there was no way she could live with my family. She asked me to move out with her when we got married or lose her. She had always said she would live at my family home and this attitude only began after she met my mother once. I explained to her that if she got to know my mother more, her opinion would change but she said that I don't know women and I don't know what looks my mother gave her. I told her that after planning to live with my family for years, and being the only son, I had a responsibility to my family. I told her that I wanted to live with my family for a while after marriage and if there were any problems between her and my family, we would move out. She said that she didn't want to stay in my house for even one second. She said to take my time to think about it but then two days later dumped me, saying all I was offering her was a cage, a golden cage but a cage.She told me that she wanted to be friends and I said I didn't. I said I wanted a relationship or nothing. She kept in touch but when we spoke, we argued about the past, she got angry and hung up the phone or signed off msn messenger. Several times, she has told me that everytime she speaks to me, she is reminded of everything I have ever done to hurt her and has asked me never to contact her again. But every time she has said that, after around a week, she then gets back in touch with me and asks how I am.It has been around three months since we broke up and a couple of days ago, I told her that I had decided I was now willing to move out with her if that was the only way to get her back. This was a very hard decision for me to make but was greeted with anger. She swore at me, said it was too late and she didn't feel the same way. She told me to stop trying, that her heart and soul coudn't be fixed and that she never wanted to hear from me again. She then hung up. A few minutes later, she phoned me and said that she didn't love me, that she was in love with someone else and didn't want me to contact her ever again. She then hung up and text me "I swear to God, I'm in love with someone else. I don't love you and I never want to hear from you again. I want you to take me seriously". The next morning, she phoned me and said that she didn't mean what she had said and wanted to phone me that night. I agreed and when she phoned me that night, she said that she wasn't in love with anyone else but she wanted to hurt me. She said that she didn't want a relationship with me and the fact that I was willing to move out now had come to late. I explained that it takes time for someone to completely change their attitude towards their future and their family. She said that she didn't feel the same way about me. I said that after refusing to meet me or even properly speak to me for months, only having her negative thoughts about me and her family and friends that are against me to influence her state of mind, it was enevitable that she would be this angry at me. She said that the more she speaks to me the angrier she gets and that she needed space. I agreed that she needed space and time to think. She said "No. I just realised that I used the wrong words. I just want to stop speaking to you, get over this pain and forget you". I said "Do you think its that simple? We shouldn't just end this because things are hard at the moment". I suggested we had some counselling so that she could increase her trust in me and that she gave me a chance to show her how much she meant to me and how much I was willing to sacrifice to make her happy. She said that she had given me all of my chances. I told her that she never even threatened to leave me, she just left me without warning or even waiting for me to answer her ultimatum. She told me never to contact her and hung up the phone.When she dumped me three months ago, she done it over the phone. She has refused to even meet me to end things properly. She says that she does not want to be reminded of her love.After she ended the relationship I called and e-mailed her hundreds of times and may have pushed her further away but I didn't want her to forget me and being away from her was driving me mad.A couple of weeks ago it was her birthday. Although she wasn't speaking to me, I sent her roses and her favourite handmade chocolates. I text her in the evening with "not even a thank you?". She replied with "I didn't receive anything". Later, she thanked me over the phone and said that her mother had taken the gifts and was going to throw them in the bin. She fought her mother for the gifts. Whilst telling me this, she continued to thank me and began to cry. She said she couldn't speak any more and hung up.I can't help but feel that this would work out a different way if our families were not involved. I have tried to tell her so many times that we can work this out but she is just so angry at me. Everytime we speak, she screams at me and hangs up the phone. She says to let my mother find me someone from my culture for me to marry. I have told her that I don't want anyone but her but she just says its too late.If she doesn't want me, why does she get back in touch with me every time she tells me that she doesn't want me to contact her again?I love her so much and I miss her like crazy. I am willing to change all of my expectations and my entire plans for our future to get her back. I have already accepted this girl as my wife. She has tried on wedding dresses and engagement rings with me and discussed what we would name our children. The seperation is tearing me apart.My friends tell me just to get over her and that there are better girls out there, i'm such a great guy etc.. But I don't want to hear it. For me, she is the one, she is my soulmate, my everything.What should I do?
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best friend, broke up, cheated on me, engaged, flirt, money, msn, my ex, phone sex, soulmate, text, university, wedding Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 February 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIt has been a while since I put my situation to you all. I just wanted to come back and thank all of those who replied with support and advice.
My situation has not changed much since June 08. I have tried to meet my ex many times but she has always agreed and then put it off.
It is valentines today and I sent her flowers and chocolates. She wrote me an e-mail in response saying that I should not be doing things like that and that it was better that we just end everything completely. This has obviously upset me a lot.
As I've bored my friends to frustration with my situation, I've started a blog where I am writing what is going on in my head and what is going on with my ex:
http://perisanimsimdi.blogspot.com/
I thought I needed a space to put everything I was feeling and so far it is helping me.
I am not over her. Its quite the opposite. I think I love her more than I ever have.
Thank you all again. If you have any further advice, I would appreciate it.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 July 2008): I don't know your name, so I will just call you "my friend".
I read your story... it is very touching, I almost cried. If I would be you, if I would be a man, and if I would be so madly in love with a girl ... and if I knew for sure that she loves me (this part is really important) I would not let her hurt me, my friend. I would plan to leave my house, find a place for both of us, and basically kidnap her- yes, steal her from her family!
It doesn't matter if you guys have money or not. What matters in your situation is that -YOU guys have to start living together, face the problems alone without your families' involvement. But you need to make sure that INDEED there is no one else in her life. Some of her behavior reminds me of girls who are trapped between wanting two guys. When a girl loves a boy- she doesn't listen to her family- and she is more liberal than you, remember?
That is my answer. If it doesn't work... forget her.
When you love a girl- let her go. If she comes back she will be your forever. And if she doesn't - she never was. There are many girls out there who are dating for 5 years without feelings... and then they find the right guy.. and you wonder- what the heck did I do wrong?
Good luck, my friend! Hope your plan works!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 June 2008): I would also say to leave her alone. Don't answer her phone calls or her messages. Cut her off your life.
She's acting highly immature and almost sadistic. She keeps on hurting, yet she comes and says sorry. She is toying with your emotions, and even if she doesn't accept this, she might be enjoying this.
She got annoyed at your mother's behavior even after you warned her. Either she's very very very immature or she is just putting that as an excuse for her fishy behavior. You really have to cut her off your life or until you truely see she has changed. But meanwhile back away from her because she's destructive, and a nice guy like you should deserve better (Based on what you wrote, it truely seems that you love her, so I know this will be really hard for you, but just ry this).
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 June 2008): Vow, what a very long, but sad, sad love story!
I can understand your pain and hurt; your emotions and your frustrations; I have empathy with you for being in such a turmoil;
However, you might not like what I am going to tell you; but I am not saying this to upset you; I am merely trying to give you my best advice;
You have been dating since very young, then the culture differences are not as important to you, but when you are starting to think about marriage and the families get involved, I have seen many a relationship not making the altar; but I have also seen many making it and must admit lots of them have rough waters and rocky starts, not all survive to live happily ever after; the pressure can get to both parties and when there is children it normally gets worse;
It is for the better that this has happened now; yes it hurts but it could get a lot worse if you were married with children and then got separated;
I suggest you leave her alone, no matter how difficult; you have tried to make changes to accommodate her and her demands; but give her time and if she does not feel fit and strong enough to handle the challenge; let it be!
I am sure that you will find somebody that will accept your family and who will love you enough to endure a little for you; live is give and take;
You are still young and though you now might think this is the only girl for you; trust me time heals wounds; get out there and start looking around; you will be surprised;
As said, let her be; set her free;
Be strong and I am sure you will find the happiness that you deserve;
Best wishes
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A
male
reader, thundercool4u  +, writes (29 June 2008):
hello friend, the main thing which i m for sure u should have done was to shorten ur question so that the people willing to haelp u can help u from heart. not frustrating them.anyhow. good luck.
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