A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have been in love with American woman for two years. I met her when I was visiting US for business purpose. She also came to Pakistan and I also go here and there. I'm 33 , she is 28. We were engaged now and she has ring from my side and I have from her. My problem is she is financially not well off and always end up being fired from the job. Now she is facing eviction from her apartment . I have said to her many times that I will buy you a house there and she has refused. If she can't take money from me in this crunch, what's the point of me being her finance and see her struggling ? What I need to do to make her accept my offer?
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (26 February 2014):
 I'm with Tisha and CindyCares on this.
1. I worry you are being scammed unless you have a date set and all the plans for this marriage are in place... If it's an "engagement" with no set date or end in site (marriage) then I 'd not consider myself engaged and I would certainly not offer money.... or send it if requested. LDRs across continents are not really big on my list of things I often approve of.
2. I fear you may be, if not being scammed, then used and strung along to help your fiancee avoid real life... hiding behind "I'm in an LDR and can't go out with anyone else" is a way for socially insecure folks to survive
3. being in deep debt and being fired from a job is a big huge RED FLAG to me. Being HOMELESS is another red flag. IF she was fired unless it was with good cause, she can collect unemployment, she could take a roommate, she could pare down her expenses. IT seems to me that being fired just shows how bad her spending habits are and that she is being evicted means she may have issues with how she manages money. This alone could be the entire issue but I'm betting that there is something else too, maybe some ADHD or bi-polar disorder? IF so I strongly urge you to run. I have ADHD and i"m a hot mess. ask my husband. he rescued me financially. I hate that he did it and we fought about it as I did not want his money; but we were already living together and had a date set for the wedding so I reluctantly accepted. Sadly as often happens, when he's mad, this gets thrown in my face. Since I DID NOT ASK for this money from him, I don't think that's really reasonable but I can see why a woman would decline the offer of the purchase of a home from someone she is not married to.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (26 February 2014):
 Maybe she grew up with a mom like mine- my mom drilled into my head to never ever accept any money or expensive objects by any man but my father or a legally wedded husband. That, not only for a question of good taste and moral " elegance ", but also to retain my independence and freedom, and not to be psychologically indebted . It is clear that it is very hard to make appropriate, independent decisions when there's a guy holding on your head an " After all I have done for you... After all I have given you .. ".
Said that, unluckily I have to agree with Tisha 1, I would be uncomfortable with a fiance' at the other end of the world, who, for some reason, is ALWAYS struggling, always loosing her jobs, and now facing eviction too. It may be her sheer bad luck... or it may be the classic scam where the girl nobly refuses a big help which takes time ( like buying her a house, or moving her to your country , or paying her course of studies ) , in favour instead of just a couple of thousands here and now for an " emergency ", after which, adieu....
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 February 2014): The only thing you "need" to do is stop offering her money. And YOU need to "accept" something - that she doesn't want your help. Trying to push money on her is just going to create a divide between you two. As frustrating as it may be for you, it's her life and her decision.
Unless you can help her get a job that she can keep(an easy job that she can perform well enough or a job with somebody who won't fire her), there's nothing else you can do.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (25 February 2014):
 When is the wedding? Have you set a date, a place and a time for the ceremony? Have you made a guest list for the wedding with your parents and her parents?
If none of the above has happened, then it's unlikely this is a real thing.
I worry for you that you are being scammed.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (25 February 2014):
 You can't do a darn thing to "make her accept (your) my offer..." The reason is very likely that she is savvy enough to know that, IF she accepts financial help from a man (this is not particular to you!), THEN she is beholden to him... and that puts HIM in a power position, and HER in a subordinate position.... and she doesn't want that to be the dynamics of your "relationship." Don't second-guess her... be happy that she's so smart!!!!
Good luck....
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2014): Allow her to come to you when she needs your help. She is proud and wants to do for herself. She doesn't want to be dependent on you, or make you think she wants you for your money.
Get used to this. Americans can be very proud, even when we are in very dire circumstances. She loves you enough to marry you. She also doesn't want to draw any suspicions receiving money from overseas; and making it look like she is receiving money in exchange for marrying you. That could look weird to immigration authorities; even if you are engaged.
Don't forget such small details. You live in Pakistan and there is a lot of snooping between governments all over the world; and very innocent things draw suspicion for the sake of national security. That is the world we now live in. It is for all our safety. Your government will protect you, and ours will protect us. Until you are recognized as a citizen of the U.S.; try to understand her ways, and be patient with her. You are a most generous and kind person. She is very lucky to have someone who is so loving and considerate.
She has resources here that will help her if she is in crisis. She also has her family to turn to.
So please don't worry. You are so far away and this must be difficult for you. Just stay in-touch with her; and keep track of her circumstances. American women are very smart and resourceful; as you know. She'll be okay. She has a wonderful and caring man to look out for her.
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