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male
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anonymous
writes: Dear Aunt Agony Irish49/Bev Conolly/anybody!!!I'm in need of help. I love this guy and we want to be together forever. I know my family will have a complete fit if i tell them and definately break their hearts causing it to never be fixed again because of me.if they find out about me, they wont accept me for who i am, they'll be disappointed in me like forever. I've even thought of going to another country,living together, and starting our new lives together and that way i save my family the pain of knowing their son is in love with another man.I recently went onto a website talking about parents dealing with the "tragic news" that their child is gay, reading how these parents cry every day and asking themselves repeatedly what they did horribly wrong for their child to "turn out like this". It broke my heart thinking of the pain that i would be putting my family thru because of ME and of MY choices. I even considered not being happy only to protect them from the "tragic news" that their precious son is gay, and to be miserable, get a girlfriend knowing that my heart already has a permanent owner. Which is not fair to the gf if my love is not truly for her.Plus i'll be hurting and breaking the heart of the one person that i love most in this universe.My other dillema is that i have older brothers and sisters that have married and all had kids recently, if i leave and basically "run away" i'll be missing out on the growing up of my nephews and nieces. Basically either way i go I 'll be hurting someone terribly and I don't want to do that. But then my happiness does come up somewhere in the mists of all of this right?! Am i being selfish by thinking about me and about what i want? I want to be with him, and spend the rest of my life with him, we are the perfect soulmates, but what if i never see my family or they NEVER want anything to do with me? What if they'll treat me like the social outcast? Obviously I know that they will never be happy for my choices, they've always pictured me the perfect husband, ideal wife and great kids. and they still do, because I, like many others out in the world cover up my tracks and nobody suspects me at all.I know that whenever they think of me, or whenever they see me, "my choices" will always be in their minds and they will never be truely happy, their hearts will always be broken because of me?!I know for a fact that my mum will cry everynight because of me. and my dad will always have a sigh because of me.If you are asking how i know that, its because one of my older sibling didn't marry the ideal partner with a long row of qualifications swaying in the wind, my folks pretend to be happy but when they leave its sad. They are of opposite sex ie man and women, and my folks aren't elated, they keep saying why they couldn't find someone better.I have a broken heart and im scared out of my wits. When I'm with my family I'm happy but when i think of my secret i know how they'll react. when i am with my partner i am so happy that everything around us just fades away, then when i think of my folks i wonder how they'll be feeling knowing that im with him.Im scared, and i know that to some people this might sound insignificant and silly but its scary as hell. i dunno what to do that i've forgotten and even put my happiness aside for others, what can i do? please help me...
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reader, feelingood +, writes (8 September 2005):
Go and see a qualified counsellor and get yourself an army of people who are on your side to help you confront your parents. You will have to confront them eventually. The best you can do for yourself is to face your fears and realise that you do not need to please your parents any more. Now you must live your life. You may lose your parents but you must remember that your happiness is the most important thing in the world. Good luck.
Fear is never a greater power than love.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 September 2005): What a painful dilemma for you..my heart goes out to you. This is a tough decision to make and, ultimately, only you will know if and when you should tell your parents. Usually people who have such strong feelings against this is because they are uneducated on the subject which causes fear. However, if you are experiencing guilt, uncertainty or fear, then this is NOT the time to come out to your family. But it is the time for you, to talk to a counselor from the gay support group to get some good advice on how to proceed when telling your folks about this, at some point in the future. They usually have people there who are experts in helping you, as many gay people experience this same type of painful dilemma.
Remember, some people never fully come out and when they do, they may only come out to a few close friends or family members, people they trust. If you feel this news will cause great stress, heartache and tear your family apart, then be prepared not to tell them or at least not until you are absolutely certain they can accept you for who you are and will keep loving you, irregardless. You may just have to keep your relationship with your partner as discreet as possible when attending family functions and visiting. But if you do tell them someday, expect them to go through the whole gamut of emotions such as shock, grief, denial, guilt and so forth. This is why it is so critically important for you to feel secure with your identity before you come out to others. This may take time, even years for you to get to that place where you feel comfortable telling them. You may want a support system in place before you talk to others such as a good friend or a family counselor.
Explore your feelings, talk about them with your partner seek support from kind, understanding friends. Being the person you really are can be great! If you are gay, don't waste your life wishing you were someone else and don't stress over coming "out" to your family. Be proud of what and who you are. And understand, sometimes in life, we just have to keep things to ourselves, because as much as we want to share our lives totally with our families, some things are better left unsaid at least until you are certain they will not judge you or disown you.
Ultimately, you can't make your parents understand or approve of who you are. One of the hardest things to handle in life is the fact that we can't control anyone's behavior or beliefs other than our own. What you can do is think through what you feel, need, hope for, and are afraid of. Once you get to this point, you may want to slowly introduce your being gay to your parents, by discussing gay issues with them and slooowly making them understand, that's it's ok to be gay. Trust your gut. It’s normal to be scared to tell your parents, but if you’re terrified, then hold off until you feel more comfortable.
Many parents think that they would be happier if they didn't know about their child's homosexuality. What they must realize, however, is that if they did not know, they would never really know their child. A large part of one's life would be kept secret from them, and they would never really know you as the whole human being, you truely are.
The fact that you want to tell them is a sign of your love and need for their support and understanding. After all, who should know if not your parents? Good luck and I hope someday, you can tell them but seek help and support with this before you do. Please remember: when it comes to parents "Acceptance Takes Time" Give this as long as it takes..only you will know when you are ready to come out. Good luck and best wishes.
Hugs,
Irish
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A
female
reader, Delila +, writes (7 September 2005):
You are a loving son and that much is certain. If your parents love you which I am hoping they do, all they will want is for you to be happy. When you are happy they will be too. There are parents who cannot accept if their child is gay but there are a lot more that can. I have known people who have hidden their sexuality for years to protect their parents and then finally comming out to find that the parents suspected all along and were so happy that their child was able to confide in them and so happy that their child had found someone they love. Your parents have grandchildren already so the fact that you may never have children will not be so much of an issue. Try to be brave and follow your heart, they may be shocked to start but eventually they will be proud you were able to tell them. Delila
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