A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:my husband is applying for a job in a town about an hour away from the one that we live in. if this was where the story ended, there would be no problem...but it's not, and there is. the job is 12 hours a day, seven days a week, graveyard shifts (7 p.m. to 7 a.m.). i also work full time, and due to recent staff cutbacks at my job, my schedule has become 10:30 a.m. to 7 p.m. on weekdays and 8:30 a.m. to 5 p.m. on weekends (with either one weekday or one weekend off per week). obviously, if he were to land this job, we would barely see each other (even on my days off, because he'd obviously need pretty much all day to sleep before another 12-hour night).i get that he thinks taking this job would be a great thing to do because of how much he would get paid (we're in our mid-twenties and already have quite a bit of debt...mostly from his younger days when he got his first credit card, then got another credit card to use to pay that one off, then got another card...), and really, the money is tempting. we have so much that we'd love to do, but can't because of our finances. but that money won't replace falling asleep together, waking up together, eating together, going mudding together, going on dates, watching movies, taking our dog to the lake...there is SO much that would change if he took this job. it would basically be like losing our entire relationship. and it's like he doesn't even see it. how can i convince him that he doesn't need to take this job (don't suggest crying...he's too strong to be bothered by tears, lol). and, if worst comes to worst and he does take it, how can i make sure our relationship doesn't suffer?
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (15 March 2017):
 Honestly am not sure how you are going to convince him. I get both points. He wants to clear his debt, and he sees it as you both have your whole lives together. Personally I would look at the bigger picture, how long is the job going to be for? Is their a time frame? Maybe say six months then talk about it again. Yes long distance is hard but it will be worth it if it clears your debts and sets you both up for the future. Every relationship has challenges.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2017): I agree with some of the answers here. This might be a great opportunity for you both. A marriage cannot survive indefinitely on a schedule like that but it could be a useful sacrifice for a period of time to pay off debt. I don't know the details of your finances but I would not dismiss this idea outright. Sit down with him and figure up what his new salary will mean for your budget and come up with an aggressive debt repayment plan. Then agree to a length of time that you are willing to sacrifice, at the end of which he agrees to look for a new job with a more compatible schedule. It sounds like he is largely responsible for your debt and is looking for a way to fix it. Believe it or not, solving your debt issue with some temporary sacrifice may make your marriage happier in the long run. Best of luck to you!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2017): When we went through a financial drought of a few years due to reasons not relevant to making the point, we were TOGETHER and had a happy loving forever relationship. Our only or main stress at the time: money, BUT, we worked on the problem together and always found a way to manage. Fast forward.... We get some money, just to get by, and both of us start chasing careers. We support each other but having moved, there becomes a bigger commute = less time together. Then demands of the job means both working harder and longer, which again means = less time together. You're getting the general idea?A couple so in love, so romantic, so encouraging and supportive of each other's goals and dreams together and where did the LESS TIME TOGETHER end up?Yup. Split up :(I'm still processing it months later and will always love and miss him but he lost the love or found it elsewhere with all the hours apart. Never in a million years would I have thought this would happen to us. We were strong and happy. Us against the world. But when you spend less and less time together, while one may remain faithful and true, does the other? Or do their choices or goals or dreams change? Take all the viewpoints and consider if getting out of debt that way is best, or slow and steady while you maintain normalcy Good luck!
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (7 March 2017):
 Oh boy. 12 hours a day 7 days a week ? Is that even legal ?! Well,... I suppose it must be ,and I also suppose that this is some short term contract or project to be completed within X period of time- I can't imagine this kind of hours and job offered as a steady employement, with all the physical and mental health risks implied not only for the worker but possibly for the company , who stands to be involved in nasty, expensive legal actions and negative publicity if the worker ( knock on wood) drops dead or goes bonkers and pulls a " Columbine " on his coworkers.
On this light, i.e. as a concentrated effort lasting a set amount of months, and in view of reaching a precise monetary goal, it could be worth it and I think you can handle it if you are a committed, solid couple, and if you face this realistically, i.e. accept it a special period of hardship and sacrifices which ,though ,will have a predetermined end and will bring certain desired results.
I think you should get used to see it as if your husband were , say, 6 months in jail, or in hospital , or in a foreign land at the other end of the planet. It' s about expectations, and you would not be expecting , in these cases, to squeeze in time for dates , movie nights , romantic walks etc. You'd KNEW that these things are off the menu for a while in view of a worthwhile future goal (... making a pile of money, or recovering your health... or paying your debt to society in the case of jail :) - and if any of these couple moments happen nonetheless, yay, it's like a little miracle, but you don't count on it.
Personally I think that ( almost ) any hardship can be handled , and quite smoothly, if one knows it is only temporary and WHEN it is going to end, and if there 's a big enough pay off. If you ask me , I think most probably the pay off is big enough, because your husband has the chance to get rid of old debts and restart fresh ,unencumbered by financial worries. Now , this means a ( temporary ) loss in intimacy, romance, quality time etc.,... but sadly when you are saddled with money problems and struggling to make monthly payments and always having to do without what you want or , worse, need- sex, romance, intimacy and walks to the lake ...go down the drains promptly and rapidly, because the last thing you have in mind is keeping the love flame alive.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (7 March 2017):
 Agree on a time frame. Such as six months. To get money to pay off the debt from his crazy overspending and misuse of credit cards. And talk about financial plans. Its not that long ago that he accumulated this debt. Im not so convinced of his financial understanding and his ability to budget and plan ahead. Discuss this, and do the math. For how long would he need to work this crazy 12-hour shift job, to pay off enough of the debt to go back to a better job?
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