A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Ok so my basic question upfront is- can people change? I know it's possible. But I'll ask with my specific situation. If it ends up getting long I apologize but bear with me. My boyfriend and I have been together for 6 months. A couple of months ago I discovered a charge on his account for a website that had girls doing live webcam strip shows. He lied about what it was at first, then admitted it, then lied about when he went on there (said it was before he met me and he didn't understand where the charge came from) when it was actually just a month ago. He was charged because he was a VIP on the site. He was telling the truth that he had been on there only once though, it was just a monthly charge for when he signed up. But to be dating me and to go on a site AND give them your credit card info to charge you for it... It hurt my feelings of course, I am an attractive girl and he needs to look at naked women online? Why? He told me he was just checking it out, looked once (which was true, there was only one charge for actually looking at a girl), thought it was stupid, and never went back on it. I got over it eventually, well somewhat. Then 2 days ago he asked me to check his email and I saw an email from a sex search website. He had an account on a website for people looking for sexual companions... He actually belonged to 2 sites like this. This truly was a long time before he met me, but it still bothers me and makes me think he may have an obsession with sex. He told me he never met anyone off of there either, he was just trying to see girls stripping or whatever, not actually hook up with anyone. Which did make sense because he had no picture of himself on there or any profile information. But maybe that's just me wishful thinking? I believe him that he never met anyone off there and all the emails are just spam emails they keep sending, but is he sex obsessed? He says no, but that he did use to look at porn frequently but not anymore, he has no interest in it with me. But he did look at the webcam thing when he was with me right? So he must still have an interest. To prove that he doesn't, he took his computer to his parents house, in pieces, they have no internet and he has no access to the internet anymore. He is ashamed of his past where he looked at porn so frequently so he never told me about it. I don't know what to think of all this. It scares me that he could possibly cheat on me if he needs sex that bad. I just feel like I don't know him a little bit since it was a part of his past and I had no clue. I don't want to be naive and believe that he couldn't possibly cheat on me or that he isn't obsessed with sex. He tells me all the time that it was just porn, he loves me, he doesn't think of them as real people, and none of them even come close to how attractive he finds me, etc. But there is still some worries with me. I don't believe he met anyone on the sex search sites but I don't believe he was only trying to look at pictures either. I believe that if he got to looking at a girl's webcam and she wanted to meet that he would have, so it isn't impossible that it happened, I just believe him when he says it didn't. I know about all of his previous partners and he knew and was dating all of them. But there is no way to really really know someone's past though is there? I don't know what I'm asking really, I just need advice, what do you think? Thank you so much if you read all this.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionUpdate to an extremely old topic! We broke up June of 2009. He ended up lying (surprise!) about jerking off in the living room with my sister home. Hilarious now, infuriating and embarrassing then. He did have a huge lying issue. Lied all the damn time about anything. I heard that he was scared of me and didn't want to tell me the truth about some things cause I would get mad. How about just standing up to me instead..? The porn was never the real issue. If everything was upfront from the beginning it would have been ok. It was the fact that we continued to go on and every so often it was a new thing to find out he lied about. It was never forgetfullness, it was stupidity and flat out lying. We stayed friends for awhile after breaking up but ultimately terminated that friendship as well because he would not stop trying to date me. Currently I am in a relationship of almost a year with an honest man, thank god! I was just reading through some of my old questions I posted so so long ago and had to leave a response. It's so insane to remember stuff like this and how bad it was and what I was putting up with unneccesarily. I truly hope Too Sensitive has found either a better man or her man has changed and life is happier.
A
female
reader, xena  +, writes (3 June 2009):
i going true same thing my boyfriend, i with him 2 half years and porn was always there.. it so bad now he crying saying its a addiction like drug to him,, its sad to see man is weak when comes to sex, they let it ruin their lives, i have leave him because of it,
you should get out while you can it only gets worse and if stop him looking porn he only end up looking other woman or even looking page 3 girls for quick wank cas he can't live without it.. i understand men love porn but when gets obessed it time get help,,, goodluck sweetheart
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reader, Tigs  +, writes (28 May 2009):
My boyfriend of two years has kept a number on his phone for sex talks with another woman
I fount out the messages three months ago
I am totally deverstated
Then I fount when I leave the house I work nights he looks at porn
And has paying web cam sites
I don't understand why
We have an amazing sex life but the trust is gone
It feels like I am dating a pervert
How could he do it to me?
When he says I am his world !
He since has deleted all the porn from the computer but still has his
Blackberry and a small laptop he takes on the train to work
What can I do as I feel so unloved and he has knocked my confidence
Down as far as it can go please help me
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 December 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you very much for the advice. I feel like you really understand what I am going through. It sickens me to have to be in a relationship you are describing. Then I feel so worthless when I'm not strong enough to just leave. I don't know if it's more love or fear of being alone sometimes. I know I love him I mean, but I would like to have trust in a relationship. And you are so right, now I think everything is a lie because of the few stupid ones and he doesn't seem to really get it. I feel like some other posters were attacking me in a way but thank you so much for understanding where I am coming from. I wish you luck in your situation as well.
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reader, Too Sensitive +, writes (16 December 2008):
I think some men lie once their porn habits are discovered b/c they are embarrassed, ashamed, feel guilty...any number of negative emotions. They don't want to hurt us either.
Other men lie about it b/c part of the thrill for them is doing it in secret.
I can imagine how you feel, b/c I have gone through something similar.
The biggest problem I had is that I casually asked my fiance several times (at least 3) whether or not he watched porn. I told him I've been involved with men before who liked it, and that it was something we could even enjoy together. There was a time when I was truly open to it.
His response was always the same..."I don't like to look at it, it never did anything for me, I don't look at it" blah blah blah.
The first time I accidentally found out he was looking at porn on the Internet was on my very own laptop. He was looking at it while I was at a meeting, while he was supposed to be watching my son.
The subsequent times I found it on his computer, b/c I had a feeling that he hadn't stopped as he claimed he had.
After I found out, once confronted, he claimed his friend sent it to him, he wasn't seeking it out, etc....to which I told him I knew that was not true, since I could see on the history that he did an outright search for what he was viewing. Then he thought he was being smart by erasing the history each time. Didn't matter, I found the evidence in the cookies.
It is now at the point that he is NOT permitted to use my computer unless I am present and he asks first. We are now living together, and let me tell you, if I am away from the house and he is here, months later, I still suffer great anxiety, wondering what might be going on in my absence.
This is all b/c he lied in the first place, when I gave him several opportunities to tell the truth. Now there is an air of mistrust of him on my part. I have taken to regularly reviewing the credit card statements, being hypersensitive and scutinizing everything he says and does. There has been so much damage done to our relationship, and I will NOT take the blame for that, b/c he is the one who lied, not me. Once someone lies, it takes a very long time before you can trust again, and unfortunately, sometimes you never get to that place of trust again.
When someone lies to you, it tarnishes everything that happens after. You begin to question everything they say and do. You begin to wonder just what else they have lied about, or are lying about. It is not so much what they've done - it's the principles involved behind lying and covering up, and the betrayal of trust that has been forever broken.
I am in a similar place as you. I am questioning why I am staying in the relationship, when I cannot get past this feeling of mistrust. I keep hoping that one day I will wake up and the feeling will be gone. But that day has not come yet, and I am starting to think it never will.
People do change, people are remorseful for what they've done. Other people do not change and are not remorseful for what they've done, only remorseful they got caught in the act. These people just become more skilled at covering their tracks, b/c they can't stop or don't want to stop, really. You never really know which one they are, unless you happen to catch them in a lie again. The agony of it is, if you don't, you will always be left wondering. That is hell on earth to me.
So many other things have happened that make me wonder if he is telling the truth or not. I question whether or not he is cheating. I now feel as though if I ask him to leave, b/c I can't go on with him any longer if I don't feel I can trust him, I also will never be able to have another relationship again. This has left such a bad taste in my mouth, that I feel as though I don't even want to have another relationship with anyone ever again. That's how bad it has hurt me, and continues to hurt me.
So I feel your pain. If the feeling of trust is gone and won't come back, then it is time to move on, as difficult as that can be. No matter how hard they are trying to behave. I don't think you should have to put up with the ex situation for one minute. To me, that is a red flag. Don't continue to torture yourself. Be strong and get out. A relationship is doomed if there is no trust, even if the mistrust is not warranted. If you feel you can't trust someone, that's it. Over, end of story. If you are wrong, then that is the fault of the person who caused you to mistrust them in the first place, not yours b/c you couldn't see through the fog.
Every time you turn around, you are finding things out that don't sit right with you, that make you question him, and ultimately question yourself and your own worth. When you add them all up, even if he has corrected his behaviors, it still doesn't give you a warm and fuzzy feeling, now does it?
I don't want to tell you to break up with him, but do you believe him? Do you really trust him? It sounds as though his contacting the ex has some deception surrounding it. Either you trust him or you don't. If you can't, it may be time to move on.
I try to focus on the good parts of our relationship, and tell myself that we just need a little more time to work through things, but it's no use, that mistrust keeps coming back to haunt me, time and time again. Every day almost it seems something else happens that makes me question his truthfulness and loyalty to me. It makes me feel bad about myself. I can't go on like this. Can you go on the way you have been?
Now, I need to follow my own advice. Good luck, no matter what you decide to do.
P.S. - I think what the anonymous reader wrote about lying is very good, and it's true.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2008): That's why I put everything down babes, and that's why I seem to be slightly controversial with you. What is it that is bothering you really. Is it the porn (nope cause you look at it) Is it the girls online (nope because he doesn't do that any more) or is it the ex, that you didn't tell us about, his wanting to contact her, and his attempts to keep her in his life. You have hidden half the story, and yet you ask for our advice. As you say there is much that we don't know, but yes a man can change, and where it comes to pornography and online girls your guy has changed. About the ex, well.. not enough information to tell. If he's going to be unfaithful the signs seems to point to her rather than a new girl. See how easy it is to leave things out, you started your post talking about pornography, but it seems to me that his ex partner is your biggest issue.
Be honest about what it is that is actually bothering you, and then you can have a proper discussion with him. At the moment, you don't trust him but you don't seem to be clear about what is causing you all this pain. Working out what is the real problem rather than leaving it and describing it as stuff, will help you to understand why you have no trust for this man.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThere's more to the story about him talking to the ex than I said but it's a long story, suffice it to say there is a reason I am scared he would cheat. He only found out she had a boyfriend later, before this he was doing everything in his power to talk to her, found her on facebook, on aim, dug up his old phone with her number on it... It was only when he called that he found out she had a bf. He still says he was only calling to talk to her as friends. There is so much shit going on with him aside from what I wrote, that was just the main thing on my mind. The reason I'm still with him is because I love him, I truly want to believe him but it's like I can't and I don't know what to do. I was hoping eventually I would be able to believe him again but you are making it sound like it's not possible. That's why I asked if people could change, like if he could turn into someone who doesn't lie to me all the time, in addition to the porn thing. I'm not 100% sure what I'm even asking anymore.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2008): I don't go out with liars babes. I work on the basis of totally honesty, no matter how much I know it would hurt me. If a guy thinks I'm ugly and he wants to have an affair, it's best for him to talk to me, because who knows, I just might agree to let him, but that's just me..
Let's look at your boyfriends lies, lets see what they are. It's only been six months, and having lies and distrust already isn't good, because this is supposed to be the honeymoon period and the best time in any relationship. Maybe I've been wrong all along, and there are indications that this guy really is a liar and a cheat.
1. Five months into the relationship he registered for a VIP membership to a live webcam strip site. He lies about it, as most men do when they are caught paying or looking at porn. The good news is that he only looked once. The bad news is that he signed up, after your relationship was already 5months old, and he is willing to pay money to view naked girls in real time....
2. He was previously a member of an online dating site, but he didn't put up a picture so he wasn't actively looking. He received an email from them recently, but no lies seem to be involved, and there is no indication that he continues to use the service. This is good. Get him to contact them to delete his account and stop further correspondence from them.
3. He broke up his computer and took it to his parents house, so that there is no temptation to do anymore Internet searching for pornography. A dramatic step, especially since in the 21st century people need to use computers for all types of things. He seems to be seriously trying to regain your trust.
4. He has given you his passwords and access to his email. He asks you to check his email for him, rather than taking the opportunity to go and use the computer himself, and look at Internet porn. Well it seems he trusts you, and he doesn't feel like he has anything to hide. If he had a true addiction or was a real cheat, he would keep his passwords secret and he would have jumped at the opportunity for some Internet time.
5. He talked to his ex-girlfriend, who is now in a relationship and lied and hid it. He admitted he did this because he knew you'd be upset. Well he was right, your still upset that he USED to be a member of an online site, and even though he no longer uses the computer, he allows you to read all his email, your still upset and you don't trust him. Seems like he lied because he was afraid you would get jealous cause he was talking to somebody he had a relationship with. Your already upset that he was looking/talking to strangers. He was lying to stop the argument, and he probably won't do that again.
6. You don't like not knowing about everything in his past. But he forgets to tell you about a website he used only ONCE, an ex-girlfriend who is happily settled down, and a dating site he used, but never put up a picture to get any dates. Well he doesn't seem committed to being unfaithful. These things are unimportant to him, so maybe it's not lying, maybe he really dose forget about them. Any way, the computer is at his parents house and you have all his passwords, so you can see every contact that is made through email. And he no longer has the opportunity to look.
7. He sent semi naked pictures to a woman on-line. When was this, in his past, or during your relationship. You forgot to mention this in your original post. Maybe he forgot to mention it as well. Is it a case of lies and cheating, or forgetfulness over something he did that wasn't important to him. Do you remember every club, group and person you've talked to on the Internet. Maybe it's not a case of not telling you his past, maybe he really doesn't remember to tell you about unimportant things.
Bottom line, your relationship is young, it's only 6 months old. He has tried to reassure you, but everything he says to you is seen as either a lie or an excuse. You have stated repeatedly that you cannot get over this, and you don't trust him. Why are you still in this relationship, why are you still with this guy. If you don't feel comfortable and don't trust him, then dump him and walk away and stop wasting his and your time. There is nothing that him, me or anyone can say to put your mind at ease. You don't trust this guy, and I don't understand why you don't just leave?
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI don't know how to get past it though. I forgot to mention he also sent naked pictures to a girl I was never told about before... She was probably from that site, how would I know? But like I have done the same thing with an ex, he knows that and I wouldn't have cared, he could've told me and didn't. In fact he lied so why do that?? Everything is a lie. Or some excuse. I'm not sure to what extent your boyfriend has gone with his lies but how did you get over it?
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2008): Another update... sorry missed it....
You are worried about his past and you want to know more. Well the more you know the more it seems to worry you. Past activities are no indication about what he will do in the future. He lies because you worry and get insecure about his past. He can't be friends with his ex, because you worry that she will dump her guy just to steal yours. You need to get over his past, he has. He's with you now and he seems to be trying hard to please you, but instead of you trying to make the relationship happy and the best that it can be, you are stuck in the past worrying about things that happened before he knew you.
We have many men on this board that do the same thing.. "my wife wasn't a virgin, and now I can't sleep with her anymore, because I keep thinking of the other man".... the past can't be changed babes, but the present and the future can. Make your relationship about happiness, romance, sex, intimacy, make yourself and this guy happy, just enjoy being in love, and then he won't ever cheat, because he won't need to, you will give him everything he needs, and he won't need anyone else...
Hopes this puts your mind to rest. Guys only cheat when their unhappy.... Learn to trust more and leave the past alone.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2008): Can people change... OF COURSE, that's what they do all through their life. You present as aged 18-21 (overage) what you like now, what you feel now will change as you get older and you experience more in life. Nobody stays the same, it's impossible, human being change as the circumstances in their life change.
If your guy is as old as you, then you should be happy that he's "obsessed with sex" because that means he is normal. Men are in their sexual prime during their teenage years and their 20's. They think about sex a lot, due to their testerone levels. Women hit their sexual peak during their 30's and 40's. You will find that when you reach this age, your interest in sex and sexuality will increase.
Your guy was single and was interesting in pornography and women. Nothing wrong with that, if he didn't have such interests, then I would be worried about your sex life. You don't like pornography and it makes you feel insecure and you think it means your guy will cheat. These feelings are normal, many women think like you do, but many women have no problem with pornography and enjoy looking at it, with their partner or alone by themselves.
You are being very naive if you think that an interest in sex or pornography automatically leads to cheating. Men cheat if their unhappy in their relationships, men cheat if they use pornography or even if they don't and read the bible instead. Cheating and adultery is to do with their morality, not the amount of sex they have.
Your guy has indicated that he looked at pornography when he was single. He has gone out of his way to reassure you that this as he is no longer single, he is not interested anymore. He has done everything he can to prove this to you, and still you remain upset. This is what will damage your relationship, your lack of trust for him. Unless you learn to trust him when he says he won't cheat, then you will drive him away, because nobody likes to be with someone who will never trust them. You need to change your ways, relationships are about trust, and yours is sadly lacking. When will you change and start to believe someone instead of always doubting their word. By your actions you are loudly calling your boyfriend a liar and a cheat, and he hasn't done anything at all. A relationship without trust is already dysfunctional, if you don't change, he won't be able to stay with you, because your jealous and distrust will increase...
PS: Didn't see your update, glad you realise that pornography is just about looking at images, and is no threat. I don't like the partner seeking sites either, or live webcams, that is too much for me. But as I said, he has done everything in his power to show you that these things were done when he was single, and are no longer needed now he's in a relationship with you. Relax, he will cheat if he wants to and he can do it with the girl next door or a girl on the street, he doesn't need the Internet to do it. Relax and enjoy your relationship with him, until you find real evidence that he is a cheat and a liar.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThat's exactly what it is. I feel like I'm not sure about anything in his past anymore, like how would I really know if he did meet someone off a sex website? It helped me a bit when you said liking porn doesn't mean he would cheat but it still worries me some because he has talked to an ex girlfriend online before as friends but lied to me about it. He said he knew I would be mad and the chick has a boyfriend and everything so it meant nothing, but still. Then I find out about this and I feel like he is sex obsessed and lies about who is talking to so I don't know what he could possibly do. At the same time I don't want to break up over porn or fears of what could possibly happen you know? I don't like not knowing about his past. He knows damn near everything about mine. It's the same thing he has been telling me since we met but I can't help but wonder what he really wanted from those sites, like you said. It's really screwing me up right now because it's not like he can just tell me "it wasn't like that" and I can believe him.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSee the porn part doesn't bother me, I watch porn also. It's the sex dating sites and the live naked webcams girls. If he was just watching films I wouldn't care, but it seems more personal to me this way, like he was actually trying to find someone to have sex with or chat about sex with. He really isn't on those sites anymore, I'm not just telling myself that, it is true. But the webcam site bothered me too. Did you boyfriend look at those also? It's like a site where the girl is one on one with you and just stripping, not talking to you or anything. I don't know I just thought of that as different than just watching a porno.
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