A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:I've been dating my bf since Jan 2015. I'm 18 and he's 35. Big age gap I know but love has no boundary. My family likes him and him and I know very well that we're each other's life partner. However I believe that because of his age he is too lenient with me. By this I mean he says I need to explore my own sexuality and need to be free to have sexual experiences. He thinks that because I'm young I haven't had enough sexual experiences and that I should do whatever I want sexually. The other day I knew I was going to see an ex (he had an appointment at my workplace, I avoided him) and my bf told me If I want to I can have sex with my ex and do whatever I want with him. I find this completely absurd, for one I hate that ex, we weren't even a couple just f^^k buddies and he was so narrow minded which is why I stopped seeing him in the first place. If my bf really loves me like he says he does why does he want me to have sex with other partners? This isn't the first time he has mentioned me having sex with others and he often brings it up in conversations and tells me to have sex with the same people I used to have sex with or new ones. My relationship history has always troubled me, my bf knows this and yet he wud bring up my past telling me I shud go and have sex with one of my exs.I absolutely hate speaking of my exs they have all hurt me and no matter how many times I tell him to stop speaking like that he won't listen. I don't want any more sexual partners or experiences. I've had enough thank you and I don't want anyone else but my bf. He gets off the idea of me sleeping with others but I'm not into that at all.I feel like he's forcing me to become someone that I'm not. I don't want to sleep with anyone or be reminded of the mistakes I've made (the exs). For the record I have slept with under 10 people in total whereas my bf has slept with about 90 people (he was a big player but never cheated just messed around I.e. one night stands etc). Please help me. I've actually stopped speaking to my bf for a day now because hes really annoyed me big time! His way of thinking is not like any standard person he is too open minded and this open mindedness is making me think he doesn't truly love me otherwise he wouldnt ask me to do something I don't want to do ( like sleep with someone else). Surely he loves me enough to respect me or enough not bring up my miserable past :(
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 July 2015): Hi, how are you getting on with this situation? X
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 July 2015): i dont think he loves you at all..he is treating you like a possession he is putting back on the shelf whenever it suits you.In other words he is pimping you out. He mustve figured that he's gonna reel youincome hell or highwater. He is a creep who will throw it all back in yourface one day , probably with acup of boiling water...
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (11 July 2015):
 I think there are a few things here you NEED to think about.
1. the age gap. I'm NOT against age gaps, but... 18 and 35? IS too bug for a 18 year old. YOU are barely AN adult (no offense we have all been there) HE is 35 so he's been around the block WAY more times than you in ALL aspects. Life experience, partners, relationship, work, etc...
2. Him not respecting your past being PAINFUL for you and thus NOT something to be brought up so he can fantasize about it. THAT is a CRAPPY move on his behalf and quite frankly he is TOO OLD to NOT know that.
3. Grooming you. By constantly telling you that he WANTS you to cheat, I think he hopes you will BELIEVE him and do it. It helps him two-fold. a. he will have the upper hand as you cheated and b. he will get to try his fantasy. It's ALL about HIM and what HE wants - you being so young may not see the "bigger picture" that this man is USING your LIFE inexperience to manipulate you into something YOU don't seem to want.
4. for a 35 year old man, he seems pretty immature. There is NO sense of respect towards you or your boundaries.
5. I know you don't think the 18/35 age gap is a big deal, but an 18 year old REALLY don't have THAT much in common with a 35 year old UNLESS he is trying to "pretend" to relive his 20's.
You even have doubts whether he REALLY loves you or not. YOU need to LEARN to LISTEN to that inner voice, when it tells you THIS IS NOT right. He is trying to get me to do things I don't WANT to do.
I'm sorry honey, him telling you that you NEED to explore your sexuality is NOT up to him to decide. THAT is up to you. If you want to "explore" then do it on YOUR terms. NOT on some older dude who tries to USE the age gap to get you to do things you don't want to do. He is telling you, that HE know "everything" and YOU (because of your age) know nothing.
I think he has a bit of a Lolita fantasy going on or cuckold fetish - either way, IT IS NOT about you OR for you... IT's all about him, YOU are just the "prop".
From your post, you SEEM far more mature at 18 than this dude at 35. Which... is probably why he is dating a teenager not someone his own age.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2015): I believe your boyfriend is insinuating that he wants you to engage in sex with other people for his entertainment. He isn't coming right out and saying it, but he is throwing you hints.
You are quite naive, but not stupid. Your gut is right on target. I think he's a kink, and wants to watch.
If you feel really creeped-out about his recurring suggestion to do it, tell him you never ever will. Then insist that he never bring that up again. If you do decide to have sex with anyone else; you will breakup with him first; and like all your other exes, you will have nothing more to do with him. Explain how it hurts your feelings that he could share you with anyone. That will drive your point straight to core of this nonsense. He's testing your level of promiscuity and flexibility about an alternative life-style. Assuming you'd be all for it being so young. I commend you on your good instincts.
It doesn't mean he's a bad man. Just that he may not be good for you! He's older, and knows exactly how to charm everyone. Not to say he is; but most sexual-predators and trolls do.
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female
reader, Abella +, writes (10 July 2015):
 There is some really pertinent and good quality advice herein. Read every answer so far and found all the answers impressive and I do hope that you can see what he's trying to draw you into.
I totally agree with the posters urging you to rethink your imvolvement with this guy.
Stay with him and the outcome can only harm your self esteem.
I especially commend the advice by @Janniepeg and @like.I.see. it'' which was so spot on as a psychological profile of your guy.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (10 July 2015):
 He loves his cuckold fetish more than you. He is using whatever reason for you to get sexually active in front of him. Such as your age and the fact that you've had exes. None of this is good enough if that's not your thing. It won't be many people's thing in fact. The reason why he picked you is because he thought that younger people are easier to influence and manipulate since you haven't lived long enough to decide what's right or wrong. It is an abuse of authority, if not an emotional one to say the least.
Even if he's able to shut that big fat mouth of his, in his mind he would still be imagining other guys in order to get excited and satisfied. The way that he insists you in doing something you don't like also tells you that he is unable to have theory of mind, meaning that other people can think differently and that his thinking can be wrong according to others.
If he's a normal person, then yes he is too lenient and open minded. I don't think he has a proper mind or he is socially awkward and has this sense of entitlement that the world has to cater to his desires. It's as if this whole thing consumes his daily life, leaving no room for more refined pleasures or anything spiritual. If you wonder why some men have this cuckold desire, it is because they've had traumatic experience with exes such as them leaving for a hotter guy. This desire is a reaction formation as a defence, a way to cope with the pain of not being good enough. Of course this is all in their minds and no amount of reassurance is ever good enough for them.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (10 July 2015):
 Dear OP,
There are some inconsistencies in your post. Your ex was too narrow minded but your current guy is too Open minded. You consider him a life partner, but you disagree with him on the difining lines of the relationship. He seems to think you are too young to settle down. You have played the field as long as you want to and want to settle down.
Despite all that I'm willing to give you some advice. First consider all the advice you are getting here. You two may not be as good a match as you think. Second, you said, "love has no boundary", but infact you do expect one boundary. Strict exclusiveness. That is a sensible boundry. You should tell this older, more experienced, man that this is what you expect. Somewhere under 10 is a fine number of sexual partners. It is enough that you probably won't wonder what you missed. I'm sorry that all of your previous pairing ended badly.
Last advice, many people will point out that 18 yeal old women are not generally settling down. Are you sure you are ready, or are you reflecting his maturity.
FA
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 July 2015): hi I can totally relate to what your going through I was with a man who was 10 years older than me im 29 now I was 24 at the time and totally in love with him or so I thought I got exactly the same response of him to telling me to go out and have fun with other men as much as I wanted I never wanted anyone else only him so I sat him down and we had a good talk and he eventually opened up and told me he didn't want a relationship with anyone even me he just wanted sex so I split up with him I know it doesn't sound like it now to you but it was the best thing I ever did I am now happily married to a lovely man and have 2 beautiful children
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (10 July 2015):
 I think you have picked the wrong boyfriend for yourself.
"He thinks that because I'm young I haven't had enough sexual experiences" so he thinks you're young and assumes you need more sexual experiences? So, right off the bat, you are a bit too young and haven't had enough sex with other people.
"This isn't the first time he has mentioned me having sex with others and he often brings it up in conversations and tells me to have sex with the same people I used to have sex with or new ones." and yet "My relationship history has always troubled me, my bf knows this and yet he wud bring up my past telling me I shud go and have sex with one of my exs."
So basically, he's telling you to have sex with your exes even though he knows this would be a major problem for you? How odd and how, um, well, selfish. He's not being selfless. He's grooming you. Wake up.
"I absolutely hate speaking of my exs they have all hurt me and no matter how many times I tell him to stop speaking like that he won't listen." He won't stop no matter how many times you ask him to stop. He won't listen. He's what I would term a human sphincter, with fecal matter stuck to his little hairs. In other words, he's an asshole.
Please help you? Okay, if you are a big girl, at the age of 18 and old enough to date a 35 year old sexual predator with swinging tendencies and abusive emotional traits, then you are old enough to break up with him too.
This guy isn't for you. If you need help seeing that then you might want to take a break from dating for a while, until you are mature enough to see that.
If you have a history of being in abusive relationships then you will need extra help and you should seek that, I've found a link for you: http://www.womensaid.org.uk
Time to say "buh-bye" to "Mr. sleep with other men even though they might be an ex and I know you would hate to do that and I ignore all your pleas to stop talking about it." It's a long name, I know, but accurate.
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (10 July 2015):
 Thort answer is; because he's a douche! No "real' guy that really loves you would even think of his best friend on earth going around sleeping with other folks for any reason other than to make you feel worthless and unworthy. He (loved by you or not) isn't worth the breath it takes to think of words negative enough to type here. My best advice to you is to let this dumbo go f himself. I don't know you but I know you deserve better.
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A
female
reader, like I see it +, writes (10 July 2015):
 The answer to your question actually lies in part of what you posted:
"He gets off the idea of me sleeping with others"
The idea of you with other people is a sexual FETISH for him. This practice is known as "cuckolding" and it's a more common fetish for men than you might think.
It does NOT mean he also wants the freedom to have sex with others, as a huge part of the fetish/fantasy is usually the thought of the man's partner being pleasured while he himself is denied pleasure of his own. Some cuckolds also get off on the idea that the man having sex with their partner is better hung or a better lover than they are.
Just because he HAS this fetish does not mean you have to indulge him or it in any way, ever. Not even once. No one should ever be pressured into doing something sexually that they don't consent to or aren't comfortable with.
The ideal future "life partner" would have asked ONCE about this and taken "no" for an answer the first time you denied the request. "Love" in this situation would include acceptance from him that cuckolding is off the table, potentially forever, and readiness/willingness to be with you anyway because a life of happiness with you is WORTH not indulging that particular fetish.
So now you know two things about him:
1) He's interested sexually in the prospect of you sleeping with others. It may never happen in your relationship but it's likely to remain a fantasy of his EVEN if by some miracle he never mentions it again. (He will.)
2) (and this is the big one) He doesn't respect your boundaries. You are absolutely right to question a "love" that takes the form of repeated requests for sexual practices you have already told him you're uncomfortable with. My guess is that he wants you as a girlfriend not only because you are young and impressionable and he feels he can manipulate that, but also because you have had several past partners he can try to chase you back to in order to fulfill this fetish of his.
To summarize, the fetish isn't the deal-breaker. His disrespect for your feelings is. Get out of this toxic relationship and find a guy who won't treat you like this. They are out there!
Hope this helps. Good luck and best wishes moving forward.
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A
female
reader, WhenCowsAttack +, writes (10 July 2015):
He is manipulating you. He is trying to draw you into the swinging lifestyle, and he is using your age and inexperience to get what he wants. He is a predator. Sorry but it is the truth.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 July 2015): Hi, sorry to agree with the others here but this isn't right sweetie! That's a huge age gap, and I can't see why a man of his would ever what his life partner to sleep with anyone else ever. I think he is attempting to condition you into sleeping with other men for two possible purposes: One, he is sleeping with others and wants to compartmentalize that this is ok in his head, or two once you have gotten used to sleeping with a guy or two he will want to be part of this with you. This is not normal hun, and to me this has a feeling of manipulation about it from a middle aged man and a young girl....sorry to be so blunt with that. Best of luck xx
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A
male
reader, Garbo +, writes (10 July 2015):
 Rule number one in sex is that you should never do anything what you are not comfortable with, and you should never feel bad as to how the other guy feels about that. Sex follows after love: it requires both sides to want it for it to be good.
As for why your guy is doing what he is, there are two answers. First is the politically correct one which says that some people don't think that monogamy is a requirement for love. In other words, they claim that having sex in any format with anybody is OK in a loving relationship.
The other answer to why your guy is doing this is mine, so you may disagree as could others. My view is that your man is nudging you to have "multiple partners" sex which is a catch word for threesomes, swinging, orgies, lesbianism or what have you. My hunch is based on experience of what promiscuous men like yours would want in their relationship especially if he is older then you, more experienced, good at jawboning these arguments and only cares to have wild sex.
In a nutshell, this guy is not after monogamy so I have a dim view of where your relationship with this guy will go for you.
As an aside though, and I don't mean to pry into your personal business, but having sex with "less then 10" different men is way too much for any age let alone yours. Speaking from experience, less sexual partners you have healthier you will be in a relationship. I thought to share this with you given that I have more experience then you and your guy.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (10 July 2015):
 He's only saying this because he wants to do the same thing himself!
He wants to sleep around and that's why he's also nudging you towards it, and maybe he thinks you can both swing together.
This guy isn't the monogamous type and if you are, then you're in for a very difficult road ahead. I really don't see how two people with such different outlooks towards life can possibly be life-partners! Sorry OP, this relationship isn't for you.
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