A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I had recently connected with an old boyfriend via Facebook. When I was 20 and he was 28 we dated on and off for 3 years but he ended up breaking up with me to marry someone else. We went our separate ways, both married other, had kids etc... Now, 25 years later he is going through a divorce and I have been divorced for quite some time. He tells me I am his one true love, he made a huge mistake and should have married me, he never loved his wife and his marriage was horrible, he said he even had driven through the town he last knew I lived in hopes to see me one day. This is all so nice because I was so in love with him, still am, and now we have reconnected. Problem is...he seems to have alot of recent baggage and his pending separation/divorce is very fresh. Although he continually tells me his marriage had been over for years, even before he separated but he seems to be very concerned that his wife may be dating the guy he always thought she was cheating with. If it's over, why does he care? He tells me it will bring closure and he can be sure he was right about her once he finds out but has nothing to do with still loving her. He drives by her home sometimes to see if her car is there. I dont understand this. His family also tells me how horrible she was to him so if this is the case, why can't he just let it go? I worry there is still something there despite his constant reassurance that it's over. Every time something happens with her, like an argument, or he finds out something else, he always says "now it's definately over" or "now I know it's done". He has said this quite a few times over the past few months and here I am thinking, I thought it was over before? I love him, I know he loves me, he wants to find a home together but even to this day he seems worried he may bump into someone who will tell her he was with another woman and that hurts my feelings. Should I be worried it's not over?
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female
reader, cattycakes  +, writes (24 April 2014):
I met my husband under exactly the same circumstances. I should not have rushed into it and believed that the relationship was over, because it wasn't. He had to grieve, it took 6 years for the end of his 25 year marriage to be got through. I lived with him through "regrets" and even attempts to get back with her again. He is a man of habit. He lost all financial security. I went through madness and hell in the double life he led. He loved both of us for a while, sometimes more me, sometimes more her. At one point I think he was seeing someone younger as well. He got involved with me too fast. Leaping and trying to move from one safe situation to another "known". I had a bit of a breakdown. It is one of the most painful things I have ever lived through. I would not do it again. We only just made it, but the cost was too high. Keep him at arms length and do not move in until the warning signs have gone. No more jealousy if she is seeing someone, no secret texts, no regrets.
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (23 April 2014):
 I would not (and I'm sorry to say this) put too much stock into the whole "you are the one that got away, my marriage sucked boo hoo story".
He still check up on her. He is NOT over her. He might WANT to be over her, but he is worried she might find out about you AND he does the whole drive-by thing. People don't do that if they are SO OVER the other person.
He is STILL involved in the divorce so he is STILL married, no matter what he says.
I agree with Tisha, I would step away til he IS ready to see someone new.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (23 April 2014):
 "Every time something happens with her, like an argument, or he finds out something else, he always says "now it's definately over" or "now I know it's done". He has said this quite a few times over the past few months and here I am thinking, I thought it was over before?"
It's obviously not over, I would gently back away and let him sort things out. Maybe he'll get through whatever phase of grief he's going through or maybe he'll be stuck in it, but you don't need to go through it with him. There are other men who are ready for a relationship and aren't carrying the baggage around like you report this man does. Look for a guy whose baggage is off in the lost and never to be reclaimed department.
As you point out, he's still in the middle of the pending separation/divorce which means he's still in the thick of the split.
Step away, let him sort it out and if you two were meant to be, when he's mentally ready to be a partner to a new woman hopefully you will still be available too.
Sometimes life's timing just doesn't work out the way we want. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, Adeboyefa  +, writes (23 April 2014):
 Have they finally divorced ? If not,watch out. He is still worried about people telling her he is seeing another woman,and worried about her dating another man. He is not over her yet. They may still make up. Be prepared.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (23 April 2014):
It's over, he's just hanging onto hope because he was rejected and was is heartbroken. You're a rebound, obviously. That's not to say he actually wants to be with her, and doesn't have feelings for you, it's just the nature of the beast.
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