A
male
age
,
*risoner6
writes:After failed relationships and a marriage, I have ended up alone, in debt, lost my home (to my ex-wife) and, apart from my mum, no other family.Women have never respected me or found me really attractive. When I met my wife, it was through a newspaper ad. I didn't want to be alone anymore, and thought she meant it when she said I was "lovely".During my 5 years of marriage, I was stretched financially (nurses earn a pittance) and emotionally, forced to undertake an assertiveness course as my wife said she was embarassed at going out with me as I was so shy, forced me to undergo counselling regarding a chilhood incident involving sexual abuse (which I was coping with anyway),treated like a child and ended up hating my life so much, that I contemplated suicide. It was totally sexless as I could not bring myself to be intimate. All a very big mistake.Some reassurance is that most of my few friends never liked my wife and there was a mutual hate between my mum and her! Oh, and I was always treated as Mummy's boy-she cruely said that I wouldn't be able to carry on living if my mum died.Why, if people say I am so "nice", have I ended up like this? Communication with women seems a complete mystery to me. It seems that unless you're tall, handsome, strong and wealthy you have no chance. I am never given a second look, maybe because of my big ears. Or maybe I'm not aggressive, sporty or permanently boozed up? It has been my experience that no matter how hard you try and show respect, kindness, sensitivity generosity or empathy it is not enough. Therefore I never see anyone socially ouside work and simply travel alone enjoying photography in what little spare time I have.I have no children as I would not wish my looks to be passed on to anyone.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 October 2009): "No modern woman likes a nice man! They all want a handsome,solvent man with loadsamoney. "
i know you believe that life has dealt you a raw deal.
i also beg to differ on the statement above. i am a professional person in the legal field. my hb of almost 18 years works in a factory and NO, he is not a manager. i make more money than him. when he was a toddler his family had a garden accident and he lost the use of his right eye. would i trade him in for anyone. NO! he is one in a million. yes we have our ususal fights. he is a good decent man, so what if he doesn't have a college degree. he is the father of my kids and i love him. he is what is considdered a NICE MAN and believe me, nice men are just so hard to come by. i consider myself very lucky to have a faithful, honest, decent NICE GUY in my life.
i am sure other woman will give their right arm for the life i am leding. this is not bragging but a reality. just read the untold stories of pain, suffering, emotional trauma and devastation some of the women go through. we all want normal, nice guys without the drama. or st least, i do.
dear prisoner6, life is what we make of it. i came from a poor background. my father died while i wass till in school. my mum was a housewife. to say it was extremely difficulty financially is an understatement. but we all managed somehow. so yes, having difficulties ,if it doesn't kill you, just makes you stronger. sometimes it is about having the right attitude. and never giving up. i am not dictating to you, merely helping to shed some light in a very dark area of your life.
your battle is not lost YET or maybe i am just an optimistic person by nature................good luck.
A
male
reader, prisoner6 +, writes (18 October 2009):
prisoner6 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for the advice, but I would rather jump naked into a swimming pool full of piranhas than suffer the indignity of going through another dreadful assertiveness course and be treated like a complete idiot!!
I now accept that I will never have any friends or future relationships-this is being clinically realistic. I suppose I will never have the pleasure of having an unfaithful partner, or discover I've got children I never new existed arriving on my doorstep!
You are totally wrong about what women want from men. No modern woman likes a nice man! They all want a handsome,solvent man with loadsamoney. So where does that leave me? How do I sort that out with little money and no home of my own and lacking in looks.
Because no matter what ANYONE here says, its all about wealth and looks. And I have tried being positive, and friendly, attributes which are worthless today. Myfinal words based on hard earned experience is that the meek shall NOT inherit the earth LOL.
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A
female
reader, QuirkLady  +, writes (9 August 2009):
 Wow, that's a quick change in three days. What happened? It was a 180 from your previous followup.
Believe it or not, your problem is actually quite normal. I can see now that it's self-confidence that you need (forget about arrogance or aggression). You absolutely can carry on though, you don't need to give up or beat yourself up over this. People have persevered over self-esteem issues before. I still struggle with self esteem problems myself but I worked on my thoughts and actions and I can honestly say my life improved by leaps and bounds. You can have the same change in your life. It IS possible.
The answers here are almost always straightforward and honest. We are trying to offer you constructive ways to help yourself. I'm sorry if you feel that we are lecturing you.
I know of a free online six week course that can give your self esteem a boost. It is available at www.self-confidence.co.uk and it is very effective, especially for being free.
Good luck.
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A
male
reader, prisoner6 +, writes (9 August 2009):
prisoner6 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMany thanks for answering a question now lost amongst thousands on here, but it is obvious I've just been lectured here. Obviously this is the wrong place to be seeking help.I am really jealous of all the normal problems everyone else and consider my life virtually over as I not equipped with enough self belief, arrogannce or aggressio to carry on.
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A
male
reader, prisoner6 +, writes (6 August 2009):
prisoner6 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMany thanks for all the replies and time taken to do so. You have helped me decide what to go next.
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A
female
reader, QuirkLady +, writes (5 August 2009):
Your problem is that you have no self-esteem. Ladies like men who like themselves. It doesn't matter how a guy looks (though it helps, NGL), if a man likes himself and radiates that out to others, women will flock to him like there's a 90% off sale in his pants. If you don't have any self-esteem, it doesn't matter how "nice", "sensitive" and "empathetic" you are, it will get you nothing but used.
Try counseling and some self-help books on self-esteem.
Good luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 August 2009): Women do NOT like aggressive or permanently boozed up men!Sporty men also have too much testosterone than we like and are incredibly competitive.Tall, handsome, strong, wealthy and NICE men do not exist!Women are generally more empathetic than men (without being sexist) so think about how picky you are about looks... A lot of women are probably less picky than that.You don't seem to have a lot of confidence, which is a shame. This is probably because you have been treated badly, through no fault of your own.Women will almost always rather have a kind considerate husband who is a bit on the unattractive side than an insensitive selfish Brad Pitt look-a-like.Most people think they are less attractive than they actually are - so keep that in mind :) You are more attractive than you think.If you would like to meet another woman, you could always try the newspaper ads again, as that seemed to work before, even if it did backfire in the end.Or, you could go out with some of your friends. Have a party and ask your friends to bring other people and talk to the women there!Friendly banter that makes us laugh is more attractive than a handsome scowl :)
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A
female
reader, vodkanothanks +, writes (5 August 2009):
You have a very low opinion of yourself,which simply can't be true.You sound like you have either lost all direction or have never had one to begin.Most probably beleiving you have no right to your dreams,everyone has dreams but only some have the courage to chase them.People may think you enjoy being alone,its surprising how easy it is to shut yourself of from the outside world,and to live in your own happy place.Start with making a friend you can trust before you start the newpaper adds inless its for a photography course or competition in that field.Get some of your work framed and in pride of place at home,start sharing some of your pictures on the net.You may then meet someone who gets inspired the same way you do.Take tiny steps towards your own sense of acheivement.And there is nothing wrong with looking after your mum mine still tells me off every other day.
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