A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I have something that has been bugging me and I don't know if I'm justified or not to be bugged by it....Me and my boyfriend have been together for four months. Im 23 he is 25.Outside of the very first date we split everything, all of our dates, movies, concert tickets, etc which is fine. As someone who identifies as a feminist i think this is very fair (outside of the fact that he makes waaaay more money than me so sometimes i can't afford to do the things he can) but i also think that "house work" and other usual "womanly duties" should be split too if that is how we are doing this... the only problem is my boyfriend knows nothing about cooking and has little to no initiative to clean... he literally doesn't own pots and pans and couldn't make something as simple as tacos if you wanted him to and i have to tell him how to do most things if i want them done. I have taught him how to make a few dishes but it usually consists of him "helping" by cutting up vegetables or something else simple. The issue also is when he comes over to my place to stay which is usually 2-3 days a week to save money we cook "in" and don't eat out. This means im spending money out of my own food budget by feeding him and me too when usually i would have left overs AND doing all the cooking and cleaning up from the dinner AND also paying my way if we do go out on dates... I almost feel a little used to be honest. I have asked him to cook for me months ago and this hasn't happened yet and he always seems to want to do as little as possible in the kitchen. I understand someone not liking cooking but i feel that if im feeding him 2-3 times a week and thus spending more on food wouldn't it be okay for him to help out cleaning more or to pick up the tab when we go out more? Or am i not seeing this clearly?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 June 2013): I m not very comfortable that you guys are splitting everything. If he makes way more money than you , he needs to realize it ad treat you sometimes. 50$ fr him its not the same as $50 for you. When you said you can't afford the same things as him does it mean he just goes without you? It's simply bad manners. He des know he eats at your house half of his dinners.Wud it kill him to pay for you somewhere? I don't know, it would realy piss me of. I would deffinitely talk to him.
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (22 June 2013):
 I think he "sounds" a bit like a cheapskate, who wasn't taught that splitting the costs of dating means that HE has to be one of the splitters....
You may either sit him down, show him this submittal, and say, "See, hunsy-wunsy, you are really getting a great financial deal by dating me... but I am getting screwed, and don't plan to do so for more than the next five minutes....".... OR, you can decide/predict that you've been with him, and experienced him, enough to "know" that he takes advantage of people.... so, save yourself the confrontation (aspect, as above) and simply dump him and find a boyfriend who understands the cost of splitting the expenses of a relationship....
Good luck....
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 June 2013): I don't know it depends. Equal share is fine, it's how I do things but it can't be too strict either OP. In your case he should not only help make it, but he should fully help clean up after. He should also bring some of the ingredients with him sometimes too.
Just be careful OP, not to be too strict about splitting everything. I'm useless when it comes to budgets and paying bills so my fiancée does all that stuff, she on the other hand is not suited to manual household tasks like cleaning gutters or sanding down a surface for painting. Not that she can't do those things, just she'll find the most complicated way of trying to do it and then fail miserably. It's more important to have a fair balance overall than in all things. If you're too strict about rules then it'll lead to conflict as you try to get someone who is useless at something to chip in on that thing.
OP ask him to pitch in. Next time you make a meal tell him he's making it, with you showing him how. Get him to help you clean by asking and ask him to pick up some ingredients and bring them with him. There's no reason to be bugged by it unless he downright refuses. Until you ask him to help you out then don't be annoyed. I taught my fiancée to cook that way. Instead of her just coming over for a meal she was coming over to be shown how to cook, I made that more fun then by trying to cook new recipes and things she'd like to try. You could also just ask him to bring the wine/alcohol.
That pretty much makes up the financial difference.
OP most of all you should feel okay to talk to him about this kind of stuff. I mean communication is key to relationships as I'm sure you're aware, you can discuss this kind of thing with him and see what he says. It's a pretty minor issue but left unsaid could snowball. Always talk stuff out. If it turns out he's a guy you can't talk this kind of stuff out with then you're not going to last long anyway.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (22 June 2013):
 The cleaning part? No. He's your boyfriend, not your indentured servant. If you start parcelling out cleaning to him, that's a good way to lose him.
However, the picking up the tab part is a good start. What would be even better is -- before he comes to your house 2-3 days a week, BOTH of you go to the grocery store, get the meals you're wanting together, and then split the bill.
If you're the one cooking, he can do the dishes afterwards. That's a good tradeoff and more fair than "Hey, I'm paying to feed you, so go work it off".
How does he support himself if he has no pots and pans? Is it all TV dinners and takeout?
You do know that this relationship doesn't bode well if you're already wrangling about chores now. By the way, have you been to his place? Is it a huge mess? If it is, welcome to your future.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 June 2013): I agree with you 100%. The problem I see is that you have created an environment that has made him too comfortable with the way things are. You have to change the dynamics immediately. Next time he comes over and you both plan on cooking, tell him to stop at the grocery store on his way there and buy the items you need. Give him a shopping list. And don't split the tab with him, let HIM buy it. If he can't manage that, don't cook. Simple as that. Order delivery instead and have him answer the door and pick up the tab and DO NOT offer to pay. But give him a sweet, "thank you for dinner, honey." You've got to get him used to chipping in. As for when you go out, suggest to him that there is a restaurant you want him to take you out to or a movie you want to see. Again, let him pick up the tab and don't offer to pay. Always followed by a sweet, "thank you, sweetheart."Guys actually appreciate doing nice things for girls just to get those moments of sweetness and appreciation from you. It'll actually make him feel better about himself and he'll most likely start doing more for you. And by getting him used to doing more, you will feel better about the times you do cook or pick up the tab. My ex boyfriend's mom used to say, "you gotta train men. They literally often just don't know."
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 June 2013): This has nothing to do with equal rights. You are putting a feminist spin on an issue that comes down to education. It sounds like he doesn't know how to cook and he feels extremely uncomfortable in the kitchen. Chopping up veggies is one thing, but actually cooking with them? I don't think he has ever learned. By this point in his life, he has become comfortable with other people cooking for him. When someone else can do something much better than you can, you usually let them. This is why some people fix cars, wire stereos, fix computers, file taxes, cook food for others, etc to make a living. You are comfortable in your kitchen. He isn't. He might even be afraid he will scratch up your pots and pans by cooking or cleaning them. Perhaps he has some bad memory about damaging his mother's cookware as a child who was simply trying to help. Whatever his issue is, you need to show him how to clean up. Have him help you tidy up. Explain that the chore is over much quicker when two people work on it. Show him how you want your things cleaned.Finally, if you know he is going to be staying with you for a few days, send him to the store on his way to your house to pick up ingredients for dinner. This way he helps with some of the cost of dinner at least some of the time.
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A
male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (22 June 2013):
It would be a good idea to suggest for him to do more on his part since you do feed him and there is no balance there. I think him picking up the tab on some outings is actually a good idea or even to help buy some of the groceries.
Not everything can be equal but you certainly can work things out so feel free to bring it up with him. I think the important part is to speak up about such matters before it escalates inside one's head else it becomes easy to blow things out of proportions. No one is a mind reader.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 June 2013): Well you're at an age where you are realizing that, hey not everything is fair and equal in relationships. Hence, it is lovely to have a man who is willing to spend alittle more on you than vice versa. It is the nature of being a woman, we end up with more of the house and child rearing responsibilities. We may be feminists, men are not. Many do not like to clean and cook and will NOT do it based on feminist principles and philosophies. But, I love how many men (cheap ones) are okay with splitting everything else in the middle. Thus, placing more burden on the woman.
I think you're at a point where you need to re-evaluate your thinking.
In terms of this situation - tell him he needs to bring some groceries with him for for nights eating in as it's costing you loads & you are not saving money by doing so.
In all, I can tell you right now, its a difficult life being with a man who so happily splits everything down the middle. It is not realistic. These type of guys end up being husbands who push you back to work after having baby, who demand you work to "chip in", but leave most of the house work to you & in the situation you end up being a stay at home mom - they make your life difficult by controlling the money.
I'm 30, so have more experience than you. Believe me when I say, it's nicer dating a gentleman than Mr. Split it all in half.
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