A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I've had replies from here before but nobody could suggest anything that worked so I'll try again. I'm 37 now and have never been in any kind of relationship in my entire life. No woman has ever been sexually attracted to me and I have never even kissed a woman! Has anyone got any suggestions that might be of some use to me as I am pretty much at my wits end.I have tried chatting to random women in bars and supermarkets, I have tried dating sites (12 of them) speed dating 4 times, I went to a life coach who couldn't find any problem with me, she said I was a lovely bloke, in fact, every woman that knows me says I'm a genuine, kind, honest, witty, generous, loving, caring guy. It seems that because I don't like watching sports or treating women like crap, nobody is interested.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 April 2015): i'm 27 years old and never had a girlfriend, there seem to be more male forever aloners than the other way around
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 September 2013): I can understand how you feel and I think you are putting far to much pressure on yourself. I can understand that as you get older it get more frustrating, but it doesn't need to be. You already know what your best traits are all you need to do is project that across in the best way possible to the right girl, you are aware of who you would like to pursue, but your problem seems to be not coming across the right girl who is also single and available that you like. Many of my friends are single, in fact there seems to be a growing number of women I come across on a daily basis. I meet these women at the gym, exercise classes, dog walks, supermarkets, coffee shops, libraries, charity events, I guess when we are single we need to engage in activities that keep us from being bored, as all our friends are married with families etc and tend to no longer relate to our needs. Finding women in those environments you may find easier as you start of the interaction in relation to what's going on around you, rather than trying to impress them and from that interaction alone you can decide if you wish to get to know that person more or run for the hills without looking silly. I've notice you are based in the uk, if you like, message me and if you are local we can meet up and be each others wing-companion.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 September 2013): How many women do you come into contact with in an average week? At some point it turns into a numbers game. You can be a great guy and mist not meet the right woman because you don't come into contact with that many women to begin with (and women in your age group tend to be married already which further reduces the population size).
I suggest continuing with dating sites, and also getting more involved in community activities like volunteer organizations or civic groups or a religious organization, just to widen your social circle in general.
Also make sure you are as attractive looking as possible. This is not shallow. Women may fall in love with you once they get to know you. But they may not be interested to get to know you if they don't find you attractive. You can get around this by being in situations where women have to interact with you, hence my suggestion to get involved in organized activities like volunteer groups, rather than just un-structured situations like bars.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 September 2013): It sounds like perhaps you could benefit from meeting women in a context where they actually get to know you. In a bar or a supermarket or a speed date most of what you get is mainly a visual impression of someone and perhaps a fleeting glimpse of their personality.
"Genuine, kind, honest, witty, generous, loving, caring"... these are all traits that only emerge when you get to know someone a bit and they have the chance to express these traits to you. So you might consider picking a hobby or activity that brings you into contact with more women than men and pursue that, and see what develops. Just because a woman meets you in an initially platonic context doesn't mean she can't develop romantic feelings for you, or there wouldn't be all these posts from women about how they've developed crushes on their professors or office mates or whatever.
I also think you have everything to gain by giving women you may not initially find "attractive" or up to your standards a chance to impress you. Attractiveness is the only attribute you mention in terms of what you're looking for in a partner, and maybe that was accidental on your part, but whether you wrote that consciously or not it speaks volumes about your mindset. It's important to note that you finding a woman physically attractive is no guarantee that the two of you will click in any way that could lead to a romantic relationship. And it won't hurt you to build confidence dating women who aren't supermodels, as long as you're courteous and don't try to use them for sex. Good luck and best wishes :)
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 September 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the words of advice human_male.
To answer your questions IAHTHY I am not sure I have been quite clear in my original post.
I say "Hello" to these women, it has never got past that. I usually get very purposefully ignored.
I present myself as friendly, clean shaven usually, smart new haircut, clean clothes. etc.
I don't have a certain type of woman that I "go for", just the ones that I find attractive, and of roughly my age.
There is no real pattern, Its rare that I'll spot an attractive lady without a boyfriend at my age.
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female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (26 September 2013):
 Let me ask this, have you been sexually attracted to a woman you've dated? I mean, really wanted her?
I have a friend who is a lovely kind man with a great job and I think he's had about one girlfriend in his life. He just isn't willing to make the changes he needs to let a woman into his life. He lives in his perfect house and compares all the women he meets to his dead mother, who was, of course, the perfect woman.
Are you an only child, by any chance?
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male
reader, human_male  +, writes (26 September 2013):
 Why does his attitude stink and why does everyone jump to the conclusion that he's only going for women out of his league?You could be me, dude. I'm in the same boat and I know how baffling and confounding it is. I have the occasional date but I get the "I don't feel a spark." Or things seem promising at first but they just go off me and I stop hearing from them. I too employed a life coach and she couldn't find anything wrong with me, but she did say I'm probably not closing the deal. What she meant by that is I'm waiting too long to let the woman know how I feel and to make a move. She also said I need to be up front and honest about my intentions. The way I approach dating is lets just take our time, spend time together and let things develop on their own. Apparently that's not good enough. You've got to be up front from the start about what you want, and you've got to be bold and make a move... sooner rather than later. Lean in for a kiss... don't ask for permission and don't wait for her to let you know it's ok, just do it. If she pulls back and stops you that's ok. That's what I remember from my sessions with her. That I just wasn't bold enough. Women like bold, assertive men. And women assume if you don't make a move pretty quickly then you're not interested and they will write you off and move on. I had a friend who said the same thing, that I was giving her mixed signals because of my body language and because the time we cuddled in my room I didn't make a move, even though we ended up kissing. To be honest I'm still confused about that. I kissed her and we made out but this is "giving her mixed signals". Should I have tried to get into her pants? I don't know.You're obviously getting frustrated because of your comment about treating women like crap, and I don't blame you. But try not to entertain those thoughts. I don't think you have to be a jerk, and even if you did it's not worth your self respect. I'm in my early forties now and I'm finally finding a modicum of peace about my situation. It still frustrates and baffles me but I've realised there is more to life. Life is worth living even if I never have a partner. Life is good. Find things that you are passionate about and concentrate on that. Don't give up, but don't feel like it's the end of the world if nothing happens. And you might want to consider escorts. I have in the past, well I still do but not often. I would rather not have to but sometimes it feels like it's the only way I will ever be able to even touch a woman. It's legal in New Zealand, I don't know if it is in Britain so that's obviously something only you can decide for yourself. Couple more things; I think it's positive that you obviously have the confidence to approach women and start talking to them. That's huge. Maybe you could analyse those situations and try to determine where things go wrong. But also try to maximise your opportunities to meet people (men and women) socially so you can get to know them and practise just chatting. It is a numbers game to some extent. If you have a female friend you trust ask her if there's anything you're doing that might be putting women off. You never know you might be coming on too strong. The main thing is be true to yourself. If you are a lovely guy then draw confidence from that. I don't have much confidence when it comes to women but I know what kind of man I want to be, so I draw confidence from that and that's how I behave toward people, by being kind and a gentleman. So I guess the old adage of be yourself is good advice. Another thing my life coach told me was to speak passionately about things. I had a habit of assuming I had nothing interesting to say, or no one was going to be interested in hearing about my hobbies or things in my life, so I would avoid talking about myself and if someone asked I would be vague and steer the conversation back to her. I've learned not to do that. Also cover the basics; dress nicely (did your life coach take you shopping?), invest in some nice cologne, good grooming ect. Make eye contact but not too much, don't stare. And listen. One final thing, and this might not be relevant to you but I'm just putting it out there... have you ever had your testosterone checked? Do you have erectile disfunction or a low sex drive? I do, and recently I've sort of pinned my hopes on the idea that I have low testosterone in the desperate hope to identify SOMETHING that is wrong with me to explain why women don't see me as sexually attractive. Apparently my levels are normal but the doctors can't explain the low sex drive or the ED. I'm going to go ahead with replacement therapy to see if it makes any difference. Who knows, maybe it will give me a confidence boost and make all the difference. It might not be relevant to you I just thought I'd mention it.Well, I'm sorry for going on but I hope you get something out of all that. But I have to say that so far none of it has made any difference. I wish both of us luck, but remember there is much more to life.
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female
reader, Intrigued3000  +, writes (26 September 2013):
 I agree with eyeswideopen. Are you too much of a perfectionist?
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female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (26 September 2013):
 What sort of woman are you looking for? Are you being realistic or do you have a very narrow criteria?
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female
reader, Kyra23  +, writes (26 September 2013):
Maybe they're shallow somehow? Probably it's your social circle fault and not yours. It seems like a plague in my country. Lots of people are single until late.
Why don't you try to join voluntary work, a book club...something. It might sound cliché but it's the only way you'll know people with diferent interests and personalities. Even if you're not a joiner. Give it a go.
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