A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:this is probably going to be rambly but ive been worrying so much i just need to get it of my chest. ok so i guess the main theme of this is my sexuality. ive never had a crush on a girl before, never felt like ive been hiding my true feelings froma girl before, or gotten too close to one before. the only times i have ever had romantic feelings they have been very much inclined towards guys. but i have only ever kissed two guys before. the first was when iwas drunk, and i hated the experience because i had no feelings for this person and they were just really crude and only wanted one thing. the second was this guy that i am seeing now, who was the first person i have ever fancied who actually fancied me back and did something about it. i had all the warm fuzzy romantic feelings youd expect me to have for him. we have not had sex and im not ready to yet, i do think about it but its not like i have to force myself to stop everytime we make out. but i do get turned on. and when everything happened it wasnt as though i was using him as a way to hide from moy true self or anything, i was and am truly thrilled that someone like him like me,,, the feelings were mutual. the thing is though that i have got this worry into my head that i might be gay and i dont really understand it and i cant stop thinking about it, and it is really starting to affect me and upset me and it makes me feel sick but i cant stop! if i think about where it comes from, i think it is that i was a slow starter with boys etc, and so was kind of curious about sex nd watched porn to see how things worked. i got turned on by it, including girl on girl porn, and i think i thought this must mean i am gay, added to the fact that i didnt get fully turned on the first few times i kissed guys. i know that straight women can find girl on girl porn a turn on, but i just cant stop wondering and worrying. its only the past few days that this worry has started to be constant and nagging. before this i could easily spend ages thinking about boys and thinking about the next time id see the guy im seeing and thinking of how much i wanted to kiss him etc etc. but this worry has grown so great that i cant even think of these things any more, or i feel that i am only thinking of them to stop myself worrying and so i feel that they cant be my true feelings. its like everything i do now i second guess myself. obviously any girl can tell an attractive woman from an unattractive one, but now with women i keep having to ask myself if i am attracted TO her, and have to make myself imagine kissing her to see how i feel. like i make myself go back and think of women i have admired or been envious of or wanted to be like, famous women for example, and then wonder if actually my feelings for them were really romantic and i just mistook them for something else... you could say that if i am legitimately confused i could go out and experiment. but the thing is i dont want to. i dont feel like im holding back from going out and being with women or that i ever have been, or that by being with a man i am lying to myself. in fact the worry never even enters my head when im with the guy im seeing, im so happy and content when i m with him. but now were on easter break and i wont see him for 5 weeks and half the time i miss him so terribly but half the time i have this nagging worry! .. i dont want to kiss a woman or have sex with a woman or ahve a relationship with a woman... but then i have this worry that i AM gay and so force myself to think about these things... and then the fact that i am able to think about them makes me think that maybe i am gay after all. and i think if i was placed at really close quarters with a woman id be nervous but i dont know if tis because id want to kiss her or whatever or because this worry would be on my mind... do you see what i mean? i cant tell if the nerves i feel are good or bad... it isnt like im not open minded either, im friends with plenty of gay people and im not uncomfortable around them or anything. nor am i attracted to any of them! i dont want it to sound like i am trying to persuade myself not to be gay. i just think im straight. i dont know if it the constant worrying that i cant handle or the idea that i may actually be gay. but i just cant imagine myself being gay... surely if i was, then it would feel wrong to be with guys? and i would have had feelings for a girl before? this worrying is making look at girls in different way.. but not necessarily SEE them in different way... does that make sense? like if i see a picture of a pretty girl i feel like i have to look at it to see IF i am attracted to her, not necessarily BECAUSE i amattracted to her. the way of ive always thought about it, when people realise they are gay and cant accept it, its because they feel ashamed about their desires. i dont feel ashamed because i dont think i have these desires... i dont want from my life to be gay. i want straight relationships. not to be "normal" but just because thats what seems natural to me. but now if ever i think about romance or love or sex or relationships, i feel like icant even think of it from a straight point of view anymore because i am worried so much about being gay. but i dont know if this is because i AM gay or because im worrying about being gay. does it sound like im gay?or does it sound like im confused?or does it sound like im having some odd anxiety that i need to get over? but if i was straight why would i be having these worries? i dont want to be gay and i dont feel like being gay would make me happy and leading a straight life would be lying and making me unhappy. but i also cant ignore these fears and worries as they make me feel physically sick and i feel i just cant handle it and need to know what the root of the problem is.sorry this is so long. as you can see it is a very big worry for me! id appreciate any help.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, kirra07  +, writes (22 March 2011):
It sounds like you might be bisexual, or at least bicurious. You sound like you are attracted to guys, but girls too. Which isn't necessarily a bad thing, just that you appreciate attractiveness in all forms.
And simply because you are attracted to women, doesn't mean that you can't be fulfilled in a relationship with a guy. You might simply just be turned on by the porn, and not even enjoy the actual act with a woman. (I like lesbian porn, but didn't actually enjoy the act with women. Much prefer men). It's simply the idea of being with a woman that turns me on, but I know that I couldn't do it. Try to imagine being in a relationship with a girl, and see if you like the idea. Could you imagine having butterflies if she liked you? Could you imagine cuddling on the couch? If you're like me, you can't imagine this, you just are attracted to the female body, which I know a lot of girls that are.
A
male
reader, orange_sasquatch  +, writes (22 March 2011):
Personally, I believe that this comes from thinking about it. Kinda like when you think about breathing you have no idea what felt natural for rhythm or depth. Well, when you think about sexuality, you have no idea how deep amy feelings for a woman are that you might have. Given how many times you said that the very idea makes you sick, I'd be quick to say that you're very likely not gay. You present a good case for not beeing gay. I'd say that if you find yourself thinking about whether you're gay or not start thinking, "Oh how I want to kiss my boyfriend" Hopefully thoughts about your boyfriend will get you to stop thinking about sexuality.
Overall lesson: don't think too much, it's bad for morale.
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