A
female
age
30-35,
*onfusedasusual
writes: My first bf was very abusive both physically and emotionally, We dated from the time we were around 13 right up until last year. We have an amazing son together but he hasnt been in his life since he was few motnhs old In January my brother introuced me to one of his coworkers "K". He was all wrong for me but so perfect at the same time. He is Mr Tough guy with a HUGE heart. We became friends right away. With in a few weeks we were talking and texting all the time and hanging out daily. He was amazing with my son and just a sweet guy. We are total opposite yet got along great. He is a tattoo artist, 7 yrs older then me and has a loud lets have fun outlook on life. I come from a very conservated family and my parents were concerned that he was trouble. It took a long time for my parents to accept K. But once they saw how great he was with my son they too fell in love with him.Within a few months he moved in with me and things were going amazing. One night we got into a arguement and I told him I needed space. We have remained very close friends and he is still a huge part of my life. He helps out with babysitting while I work, takes my son to swim class etc, we hang out and a few tims have put ourselves in a position were we ended up having sex. He has apoligized many times for our fight and has asked me to give our relationship another chance.I LOVE him with all my heart. He changed himself for me, stopped hanging out with his friends drinking after work to come home in time to tuck my son in to bed. He took out body piercings because I didnt want the other parents at my sons daycare to judge him, anything I asked he did. He makes me feel safe, he's sweet, he makes me laugh and he is an amazing father figure to my son. I have never had a guy treat me the way he does. BUT I feel like he is to perfect for me. I feel like I don't deserve him, like he deserves some one better then me but I have no idea why. I look forward to seeing him , miss him when he is at work yet when he gets here I push him away.I have no idea why ? I hate the way I a making him feel. Last night he spent the night just laying in bed cuddling and laughing, this morning we had sex (he is the sweetest guy when it comes to sex and makes everytime we are together as romantic as he can)he told me he loved me and how he wanted to wake up next to me everyday. As happy as it made me feel I was angry at him for saying it and told him he had to leave. The look on his face made me cry, he was so hurt and so was I . I wanted to grab him and kiss him and tell him to never leave me but I couldnt. What is wrong with me? If I love him so much why do I continue to push him away and hurt him?
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female
reader, confusedasusual +, writes (12 October 2012):
confusedasusual is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI appreciate everything he does for not only me but my son and I tell him everyday how thankful I am. I would do anything I could to see him smile. Like I said I love him and want only the best for himI feel like he deserves better because he such an amazing guy.
A
male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (12 October 2012):
This sounds like the equivalent of being spoiled. You aren't appreciating anything he does, nor do you make it known. Instead of looking at what he is doing in the relationship, you should look at what YOU are doing/not doing for the relationship. What is it that you do? Do you do anything for him? For the relationship? It's a sad thing that you've become the abuser your ex was.
I think it is clear why you push him away. You were hurt in the past where you also made mistakes. You've told yourself that you don't deserve anything good because of your mistakes. But all of that stuff is in the past. You need to keep it in the past and move on. It only sounds easy, I know, but if you don't at least try then you will get no where. The only one stopping yourself from a happier life is yourself.
You need a wake up call: here is someone right in front of you, willing to go the distance and all you have done is nothing. Instead of succumbing to your emotions and actions, give yourself a wake up call and MAKE a change in your habits of pushing him away. I think if you force positive changes like your actions and thoughts you will creep out of this hole you have put yourself in.
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