A
female
age
41-50,
Wyeldfire
writes:Thinking seriously about religion is hard. Every relationship we have is colored, influenced and determined by these beliefs. This is especially true in “high-control religious groups” – some refer to them as “cults”, which can be controversial, but all agree they are unreasonably controlling, manipulative, and/or conservative. When we rock the boat by changing those types of beliefs… let’s just say hell breaking loose is a day at the amusement park compared to the cataclysm that may ensue. It would be easy to allow the discomfort and unfamiliarity of the situation overtake you and screw up all the work you’ve done to improve yourself and your life. Forewarned is forearmed - here’s what to expect your brain to be doing during all the fun: 1)Screaming all the way down: By completely undoing the infrastructure on which you’ve built your life, opinions, goals and thoughts, you are effectively stepping off a psychological cliff. Who knows what’s on the bottom? Will you hit a ledge first? How long is this trip going to take? Will I survive it and/or be splattered into a gazillion pieces in the end? The psychological and emotional free-fall can be terrifying and disorienting. This is normal. You will find new ground eventually. Having the support of others – in real life and online – can soften the landing significantly. 2)Whining, "This being an adult thing is *hard*": Don’t underestimate how much you’ve leaned on these old structures. Thinking for yourself – which you may think you were already doing – may well feel like life has turned into an attack by a wild animal. And not relying on authority for these things – being responsible for your choices and consequences totally and non-transferably – may look impossible. It isn’t. It’s unfamiliar and you’re out of practice. Unlike some limiting belief structures, life lets you practice, change your mind, and be in charge of your own thinking. This may be the first time you’ve experienced such a thing. Talk to friends, ask for advice and *know* that you are capable of creating and directing your own life. People who are a lot less thoughtful than you are doing it already. 3)“Any Port in a Storm” Syndrome: Sometimes, we think we are escaping something awful just to trade it for something equally awful or worse. Don’t be too quick to join another group, subscribe to an entirely new belief system (as created by someone else) and completely dump every last thing you got from your old belief system. A friend once told me that I needed to get my “sea legs” – learning to ride the motion of the new ship I was on until I could move and navigate on my own reliably. Get to know the world you live in and life’s normal ebbs and flows. Explore the corners of your mind. (There will be many rooms in there with their doors shut tight – it is an amazing experience to open one of those doors to light and fresh air.) Find yourself along this new course you’ve plotted and let what you discover guide you to where you need to be. 4)One finger pointing at someone else leaves three pointing at you: If you’ve been part of a particularly conservative/judgmental group (especially those with an “us-v-them” philosophy), you likely were a jerk to some degree before leaving. Consciously or otherwise, you have hurt people. At the very least, you have manipulated them for personal ends (usually attempted conversion) and lacked sincerity in your dealings with them. Of course, it’s hard to be sincere when you aren’t being true to yourself. But once you start uncovering your self, you may find honesty and openness become core values for you. And, if so, part of you realizes you have some amends to make. Some may need to be overt apologies. Others may simply involve changing how you think about others and your motives for dealing with them, without going into a discussion about it. Just realize that if you now find your old beliefs unreasonable in some way, you’ve likely acted unreasonably somehow in the past. Don’t beat yourself up about it. Be glad you can be honest with yourself and have uncovered a major blindspot. The best way to not repeat mistakes like this is to be aware of your behavior, your motives for that behavior, and to hold to Wheaton’s Law (“Don’t be a d!ck.”) from here on out. 5)“The caged bird sings of freedom”: It is tempting – oh, so very tempting – to try to find a way to fit your new thinking into the old mold your life used to be in. Once in a while, this actually works. Some people are even able to bring others along on their evolutionary climb. However, don’t expect this. Indeed, you should share your thoughts and feelings when it’s safe to do so. But dragging others unwillingly along your path is cruel – the same way someone forcing you to remain on your old path would be cruel. It’s likely you’ll want your old life back, to somehow make things “right” again. The past feels familiar and comfortable, not because it was healthy or functional, but because we know how to play our parts and we know what patterns the other actors will follow. Comfy and familiar, your gilded cage is still a cage. Heed Maya Angelou’s words: “But a caged bird stands on the grave of dreams/his shadow shouts on a nightmare scream/ his wings are clipped and his feet are tied/ so he opens his throat to sing.” Do not resign yourself to singing a prisoner’s song. Like sheaves of corn he gathers you unto himself. He threshes you to make you naked. He sifts you to free you from your husks. He grinds you to whiteness. He kneads you until you are pliant; And then he assigns you to his sacred fire, that you may become sacred bread for God's sacred feast. All these things shall love do unto you that you may know the secrets of your heart, and in that knowledge become a fragment of Life's heart. But if in your fear you would seek only love's peace and love's pleasure, Then it is better for you that you cover your nakedness and pass out of love's threshing floor, Into the seasonless world where you shall laugh, but not all of your laughter, and weep, but not all of your tears. -Khalil Gibran Reply to this Article
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 November 2012): I rejected my parents religion when I was 12 and floundered around for years knowing I did what was right even though it was hard. I took me until I was 24 to discover what I was always looking for. The inner peace of finding what you Believe in is worth all the turmoil in the world. Yes I lost friends and family over my choices but If they don't like who I am now then they never did because im the same person I always have been. I'm happy with my choice, with the person I am and with my religion and that's what matters most.
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reader, bluemonkey +, writes (13 October 2012):
 Well written. I really relate to #5. iIve been trying to put similar emotions into words. Thanks.
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