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*oyal Wife
writes:I've been married for over 20 years and have 2 lovely sons, 16 and 19. The oldest is away at college, the youngest a High School Junior. He drives 30 min to school. He's not into sports, has a few friends, but mostly goes to school, to work and is at home. I'm afraid if I divorce now he will have a terrible time. He doesn't deserve this. But my husband is "alienation of affection" in the extreme. He doesn't hold my hand, put his arm around me or kiss except a peck on the lips for "hello". 2 years ago I had a hysterectomy, and his sexual interest dwindled. We have not had sex since June, 7 months now. It's clear for him it's over, but what to do? I weigh 180 and have started weight loss, my goal is 140. I'll make it, and he says he "Want his bride back". But what then? Will he suddenly want sex and will our relationship take off? For him this may seem so, for me NO WAY. Now after being given no love or affection for so long. (Is he crazy??) This is conditional love, and unhealthy. If I loose 20 pounds and he's suddenly all romantic, do I accept him, or slap him? I've had no comfort thru the death of my mother (his hugs and comfort can be counted on one hand), and recently my best friend's husband...my children took me to that funeral.Do I wait and see? I do NOT want to put my children thru this!...esp my youngest boy, who loves to work on cars and do carpentry with my husband.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 February 2010): You are confusing love with lust. I'm sure he still loves you whatever but it doesn't mean he lusts after you. And why should he if you have put on so much weight? You probably look very different. I'm sure he doesn't love you any less for this but he might not fancy you. I think this is natural and I don't understand why you think he should. Having said that, maybe you you could ask him if there is anything else which is putting him off sex, maybe he has some problems down there or something. Also not taking you to the funeral is really not on. Maybe he is depressed or something. You need to talk to him really. But don't put your kids through a break up just because your husband doesn't fancy you after you have put on loads of weight. That is unfair and selfish. But DO talk to him about the sex/no sex thing. I think he might have some other problems as well.
A
female
reader, Angzw  +, writes (2 February 2010):
I think this is one of those situations where there is his version, your version and then there is the truth. If he is not being abusive and cheating or anything like that, then your relationship is worth saving. You may benefit from a marriage enrichment course where no blame is ascribed but each of you are shown ways to start appreciating each other again. Men often feel validated by sex and if he is not getting any then he may have felt rejected and then he rejected you in turn. Or perhaps your health issues and weight had made you feel unattractive and others see us the way we see ourselves. If you feel unattractive then he will be inclined to agree. Men can be insensitive to our needs. We often feel that they should magically know what we need but they can often be a bit selfish and overlook our needs for affection if we are overlooking their need for sex. This is a perfect opportunity to wipe the slate clean and stop poisoning yourself with this grudge. Maybe tell him he also needs to lose 10 pounds and then you can renew your relationship with new thinking rather than keeping score. All the best.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 February 2010): Has is sexual interest gone away because of the hysterectomy (sounds like thats what you imply?) or because of the wight gain? It is true, and understandable (sorry) that if either husband or wife gain a lot of weight, they can become unattractive to their spouse. Not loved less, but physically unattractive. On the other hand, of you love someone enough, and value them, it is possible to overlook the fat. On one hand I understand your husband, but I also understand where you are coming from. What your husband did was to alienate you, and make your weight your problem, and not his. Basically he pushed you away and let the relationship drift "until you fix the problem", but by doing so he creates this void between you two. And for this reason, no I don't think you should accept your husband back with open arms once you loose weight. Because there's no guarantee you wont gain that weight again! And there's no guarantee he will actually become more affectionate, after all he's been going 2 years without showing affection, so clearly he gets by without it.
But, if you have it in your heart that you want to love your husband again, and have him love you and treat you right, you should give it a try. Like you said, there's your kids and all. And also it will be a tough thing to go through, a divorce. If it is not too late, then sit him down in perhaps counseling, unless talking privately at home is good enough. He needs a wakeup call. He gave you one about your weight, you need to give him one about the effects of his actions (or the lack of these actions). While you loose weight, he needs to be there for you, show you attention. If your weight is the only problem, it is his problem first and foremost! Because he is the one who doesnt like it, right? So why should he leave you to deal with it on your own, when he's the one complaining. He needs to realize that he has to accept you for what you look like, and if he's not ready to have sex with you yet, then start of with other things. Like romantics, hugs, holding hands, all these little things.
He needs to hear this and he needs to hear it now! He is simply avoiding to deal with his own issues at the moment, which means nothing will change! He can't be thinking "if only this change then I will want more sex, if only that changes then we will be more happy" NO! He has to understand that thinking like that will lead nowhere. He and he alone is the one who can make himself happy, and to do that he needs to be happy for what he's got, happy with his life, and happy with you. If he decides to not be happy, you loosing weight will never make him happy. You'll loose weight and he'll have another "problem" with you. This is an issue with him, he doesn't deal with his own problems and will continue to push you away, using your weight at the moment as his great excuse.
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