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female
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anonymous
writes: Should I Leave My Husband And Break Up The Family Unit?When I met my husband it was a bit of a whirlwind romance, I had fallen pregnant, got engaged and bought a house within the 1st year. We married in July 2000 and should be celebrating our 6th anniversary this year. Not long before I met him, he had broken up with a longterm girlfriend (she left him for a man she worked with) which resulted in him losing a lot of weight. The 1st couple of years were like living in a shadow of his past love, due 2 comments from my husband and his family. Anyway 2 cut a long story short, he has been accusing me of sleeping around. It's not constant but every now and again. If I refuse sex he accuses me of having an affair! (sometimes a girl is just too tired). If I 'ask' to go on a works night out or with friends he doesn't know very well he throws a wobbly (which he doesn't do when I want to go out with friends he knows well). Then tonight he came home from a night out and asked what I was looking at on the computer (he said 'are you looking up about your itchy fud - I had been to the doctor because I had piles which were really itchy and had been for quite a few weeks - this is on my records if he wants to check!) I told him it didn't matter what I was looking at, he was drunk and I'd tell him in the morning. Then the accusations started flying...apparently I came home from a works night out 2 weeks ago clawing at myself! I tried to reason with him explaning that we had a laugh about my itchy bottom with a friend a few weeks back then I just gave up, had enough told him we would be seperating after our holiday next week (was thinking of the kids). I went down stairs and found myself shaking uncontrollably then I went back up to him and told him that I was looking up information about diabetes and just couldn't talk about it as I'm finding it a bit hard to cope with. (My mums family has a history of diabetes late in life with her mum and a couple of her brothers all dying a couple of years after diagnosis. My mum is 60 this year and has just been diagnosed. I am absolutely terrified.) I know my husband has been drinking tonight as he is most of the time I'm accused but I just feel so battered by it all. I feel I want to leave him but don't know if I have the strength. He'll wake up tomorrow and be all apologetic and I'm so weak I'll accept it.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 August 2007): I was married to my husband since -98, and I just recently left. During the 9 years we were married he criticized me for all kinds of things until I just couldn't find anything about him to love anymore. I didn't want to have sex with him, and eventually I didn't want to be near him at all. He had a violent temper and the best thing for me was to just leave. The day I left I broke down and cried, and I still wasn't sure if I did the right thing.
Now I have no regrets att all, and I know I did the right thing. While finding an apartment I lived with friends for a while, and it was good having people around you to talk to. I contacted a lawyer and we have a temporary order. My husband would never have agreed to anything so I had to do it that way.
We did go to counceling, but that didn't happend until my husband realized that I was ready to leave, and when we went he still thought that all problems to be resolved was within me.
There is more to this story, but as I see it - if your man doesn't think he needs any help in saving your marriage you need to leave. It is only going to get worse
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 June 2006): Sorry to say this but your husband is a verbally abusive and insecure person, and this is why he attacks you, to feel superior to you. Do not justify yourself to him, You are feeling the effects of PSTD, if someone leaves you shaking, and confused, it is classical signs of emotional and mental entrenched stress. Please seek help from your G.P.asap, Your husband is manipulating and controlling you and you are letting him do it. Stop it. Tell him not to talk to you in any manner that offends you, and if he can't do this or laughs it off, this man needs dumping fast. Alcohol IS NO excuse, you are hiding behind that barrier , so you don't have to take control of your own destination .Both of you can be helped, but if he does not improve his behaviour to you , end the relationship. Do it and you will never look back, you will regain respect for yourself, because your child will never respect you when they are old enough, to see what you allow , and follow suit, do you want that also ?, you set the standard of how you want to be treated, so what is yours ??,
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 June 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI wanted 2 write 2 say thanks for ur advice about my situation and 2 clear certain points up especially about the amount of 'alcohol' consumed by my husband. He doesn't go out 2 the pub very often, not even every weekend. However he does tend 2 have a few cans of beer whilst sitting in friends company say on a Friday night. I also tend 2 have a couple of glasses of wine. I don't think this is excessive and it doesn't happen every weekend. The accusations usually happen when he has been on a night out, either with me or with friends, and has been drinking excessively. So, I kind of feel like I'm in a bit of a vicious circle. Things will be fine between us, then he'll have a night out, make the accusations, we'll argue and fall out then things get better for a while then he has another night out and wham bam it starts all over again. The last time he accused me prior 2 this was late March, this was when I told him that he would need 2 agree 2 counselling or our marriage wouldn't last. He basically brushed these comments under the carpet. I actually feel really dejected today, what he doesn't realise is that he is pushing me further away and I just don't want him near me, never mind intimately, at the moment. I feel extremely hurt and totally degraded.We fly out 2 Florida on Saturday with our 2 children (8 and 2 - sorry I didn't explain in the 1st question that we had 2 children) for a fortnight. I'll put a brave face on and really enjoy the holiday for the sake of my children but when we return I'll approach the counselling subject again. I do love him (not sure if I'm 'in' love with him tho - does that make sense?) and feel I have 2 give him a chance 2 sort himself out. I realise I have 2 be strong tho and walk away if he doesn't agree to the counselling because emotionally I can't cope with his mental abuse.Once again thanks for your advice.xxx
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female
reader, Wendyg  +, writes (12 June 2006):
 The thing is thats most prominent is his sudden need for alcohol, or as this always been the case ? If not you need to address why he suddenly drinks like he is and hides behind it, or if it is a long term thing, then he needs to also address how its making him act. It seems the fear from the past is jading this relationship, because she cheated he thinks you will too. But hes not helping things my slating you and having ago all the while and generally being a bully about things. The first step I think would be councilling if you really want to make this work, hes also got to want it. For the sake of you and your child you cant allow him to keep getting drunk and acusing you of all sorts and generaly being nasty to you. It sounds like it didnt start out too great and maybe you were a little bit of a rebound thing and you both got carried away with it. Im not saying you dont love each other, its just hes still got pent up emotions regarding his ex that he is having trouble moving on from, and as shes not aroound to shout at, you are! He needs to kerb the drinking and seek some help regarding the issues that are making him like this. Counselling will help you too if thats what you want, but what ever you do put you and your child first, there is no point you and your child putting up with your husbands moods when you can be just as happy without him. Your local GP or family clinic will advise on seeking counselling, but if he wont listen you may still need some counselling yourself to come to terms with it all, but put YOU first, consider what the rest of you life will be like if he doesnt or refuses to change. You need to be strong and get the help you need.
Good luck and Take care x x
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female
reader, jaxwardle86 +, writes (11 June 2006):
 I know exactly what you're going through as i have just had the same problem with my husband. You obviously have a lot on your plate with kids and an arguementative husband but hang on in there i promise it's worth it. Get to bed early one night with your husband give him a sensual massage and then start to ask questions about why he feels this way and reassure him thats he's the one for you. Book an appiontment for him with his gp and ask him to be refered for counciling for the sake of your kids and your marriage. As this is not a nice situation for kids to be in.I also know this can have a big impact on your self esteem as it did mine so make sure you also talk to a friend or someone within the health proffession. If you want to e mail me then please feel welcome. Hope this helps and also seek advice on his alcohol consumption. xxxx
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