A
male
age
36-40,
*adbadboy
writes:I'm a 25 year old male, and have been in love for 1 yr with a married woman aged 26. She has been married for 3 years and never had sex with her husband, because her husband is impotent and even denies he has a problem, and considers not having sex as being normal.She cannot leave her husband because her parents are very emotional about her marriage and threatened her that they'll commit suicide if she gets out of the marriage. We met each other through a common friend six months after her marriage. We have been friends since then. We were best friends for the first year and we've been having an affair for the past one year. We are totally in love and share everything, and we are very emotionally attached.It's as if she is unofficially my girlfriend. I feel she is the one for me because i have never felt so close or attached to any of my ex's.. The only thing is, I cannot get her to leave her husband. She is concerned about her parents... We are very emotionally attached...My question is, if i cut contact with her, giving her and an ultimatum, and saying "make a choice me or your husband" will she take a step forward to leave her husband?
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male
reader, badbadboy +, writes (11 December 2011):
badbadboy is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOk 'm updating my situation, Despite your advices I have been talking to her, i did not give her an ultimatum. Now one of her husbands friend got suspicious about her and did some detective stuff and found out she was talking long hours to me and started giving her hints that he knows about us. She freaked out and called me saying "Our relation is too risky, if my husband comes to know about this, me and my parents are dead!!. I guess this would end here." She was totally in tears and was like, "You'll be the first one to call in case i get out of this marriage, and if u find someone else just move on don't wait for me." I told her i was totally fine with it although i knew for a fact that she wouldn't be able to do that and i would definitely move on.
Well my friends, i guess it ends here, one thing is for sure that is 'm not heart broken, not a tear did i shed, i realized this is life and this is reality that 'm facing. Nevertheless i can always be happy with the memories we have, the intimacy we shared, the risks i took for her, the distance i traveled for her (i went half way round the globe from India to Canada just to be with her). Well lets just say 'm happy that i was once so happy because of the girl i loved.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 February 2011): I doubt it, I am in a similar situation and the benefits of being married far exceed those of being a MILF. I made that mistake of giving a similar ultimatum and it has back fired and I find myself more miserable than being number 2 when in all actuality I was number 1 and he number 2 because she decided to stray from him. For you it is the battle of intimacy vs. isolation. Your search for intimacy from her has isolated your other emotions to where you are accepting the situation.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2011): I'm sorry...I advise you to run as far as you can from this situation...I know your feelings are involve but getting involved with people that are married comes with a whole load of issues you dont want to know about....I do think she is using her parents as as excuse but even iif she is concerned about them , has she told them the truth about her marriage?....Leaving her will not be easy but you'll have to do what it takes to remove yourself frm this situation as it is unhealthy and unfair to you and her husband depite the problems they have....Because of your emotional attachment it wil hurt like hell but you will heal in time...How come she only just found out he is impotent after getting married? I assume they did not have sex before getting married? ...Have the strength to move on...This is not right
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A
female
reader, chocoholicforever  +, writes (29 January 2011):
good for you for moving on.
Good luck!
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A
male
reader, badbadboy +, writes (28 January 2011):
badbadboy is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYes, she has positive role models, but it's like all the positive role models she has are divorced and single, and they never remarried. She doesn't have clinical depression, not one symptom. A few months ago, she tried real hard to get out of her marriage, but her parents threatened her, so she backed off.I have no clue how she would manage it, but I'm not worried because I'm not going to do it. Anyway I made my call, I wouldn't want to live my life with a girl who is so timid or afraid to live a life for her happiness or herself. If she really wants me, she can get out of that marriage. I don't like that I'm being put on hold anymore (although she says I'm free to move on and find someone else). I've had it. I'm not even giving her an ultimatum. Thank you chocoholic fever, I really feel it's the right thing to do.
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A
female
reader, chocoholicforever +, writes (28 January 2011):
Does she have friends or other people she knows who have gone through divorce and later remarried and are living much happier lives?Does she know people who have parents similar to hers and who managed to get out from under the parents' control?I'm just wondering, if she had positive role models she could see, people who have been in a similar position as her (except for having an affair, I don't think people would own up or admit if they did that) of being trapped in a marriage they hated, but who managed to break free and better their lives. If she had such role models it might give her hope or encouragement that she can do the same.I think it's very sad that she plans to have YOUR kids while living with her husband. Does she not think that her life is going to get even worse if she does that?And, since her husband is impotent, how on earth will she be able to hide the fact from HIM that the kids are not his??? Since she has said that if you leave her she'll just stay with her husband and be miserable....I think that means that if you withdraw your support, she will just do that. It sounds like she's prepared to be without you. If that's the case, then you have no "power" at all to affect a change in her. It could be that she will gradually and slowly change her mind when she becomes too uncomfortable, but the problem is that this can take YEARS to happen, or decades. Is she depressed (I mean, does she have clinical depression)? When people have clinical depression, their view becomes narrow, they lose hope and optimism, they are unable to visualize alternatives to their current situation. They feel trapped in whatever current life situation they are in.
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A
male
reader, badbadboy +, writes (27 January 2011):
badbadboy is verified as being by the original poster of the question@ male reader anonymous:It is impossible her parents know her husband is not interested in her, not interested in sex too and they know their daughter is unhappy. They still want their daughter to continue in the marriage cos they r old school and in our society a divorced woman is not respected.@ Chocoholic fever:Exactly the point.... That was my question, is me being an emotional clutch in her life enabling her to do nothing and live in this good for nothing marriage? and if i withdraw my emotional support will she be able to leave her husband... 10 years from now she sees herself having my kids and still living with her husband (i know things couldnt get lamer), She also says if i walk out of her life she would live with her husband without kids and sex (i live in a country where people are very much capable of doing that)... I dont want her to have my kids while she is still with her husband, i donot want to ruin some kids life. What if the kid comes to know his/her father is not his/her biological father... I donot know what would happen if i give her the ultimatum but if i dont give her one and continue being her emotional prop she might stay the same that is what i'm worried about...
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A
female
reader, chocoholicforever +, writes (27 January 2011):
You're taking a step in the right direction of realizing how damaging and unhealthy it is to be in an extramarital affair, and trying to take action to get out of this situation.
But you can't control other people's feelings. If she feels a lot of fear or guilt or obligation about staying in her marriage, and if those dominate her actions, there's not a lot you can do about it.
maybe you can try to be supportive of her, help her to develop the courage to leave her marriage. Or help her to come up with solutions on how she can leave her marriage.
or maybe you can just continue to talk to her and try to persuade her why she is in a very unhealthy situation and that she would be much happier if she left her marriage. Ask her what does she see her future to be like 5 years from now? or 10 years from now? Still married to someone she doesn't want to be with? Can she stand to be in this exact position for another decade? If she is to change her mindset, it will take time. Change is a process, not an event. If you try to rush the process by pressuring her before she's ready, she may withdraw or backslide.
but there's a fine line between being supportive and patient, and being her emotional crutch enabling her to continue to do nothing about the situation because you're there to make her feel better the way things are.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 January 2011): You two should have plan to convience her parents to understand how her marriage is hurting her. Does they know her problem? What if she threaten them to commit sucide if they can't let her to divorce? It is better to build pressure on the parents than on her. I'm sure they will agree. Make them to talk to her husband about the problem. Let them know she will get married soon.
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A
male
reader, badbadboy +, writes (27 January 2011):
badbadboy is verified as being by the original poster of the question@ chocoholic fever:
You are right may be giving her an ultimatum i would be putting her under too much pressure and might end up in her not choosing me. Besides as u have said i dont wanna coerce her and "victimize" her just wanted to see if i could change this stagnation cos its been long and i dont want to continue having an extra marital affair... Its a tough choice to make.
@helpymchelperson:
A good point... i'll go with a calm ultimatum will talk to her a lot about it then tell her being in this extra marital affair is really taking a toll on all our other relations, if u want me in ur life, get divorced and we can be together then silently walk away. if she is meant to be mine she'll come to me else i guess i'll move on.. thanks
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A
male
reader, HelpyMcHelperson  +, writes (26 January 2011):
While I think it is a good position to take that you should have "an official relationship" rather than just an affair I think you should not give her an outright ultimatum, this might just scare her away or leave her feeling hurt/betrayed.
Instead you should talk to her calmly about how you feel first, and do it in a way that makes her feel supported. That way when you do make your stand you are more likely for her to make the choice.
Oh and whatever you do, give her plenty of warning this talk will take place, don't do it in a way that will make her feel ambushed.
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A
female
reader, chocoholicforever +, writes (26 January 2011):
If you give her an ultimatum, you have to be prepared to back up your words and break up with her if she says no. Otherwise, your word means nothing.Are you prepared to walk away from her, if she were to say no?If not, then you should use other strategies to try to persuade her to leave her husband. Or, just accept that she is not going to leave her marriage, and move on from her.If it's true that she is trapped in her marriage by emotional blackmail - in this case her parents's threats - how do you think that giving her an ultimatum will make her feel? that's not being supportive of her at all in fact it's putting her in a very difficult situation because now you're saying she must choose between you and her parents' lives.ultimatums can be useful for forcing a change in the situation when things have been stagnating. But you have to be prepared for the change to be that YOU walk away. Just giving an ultimatum doesn't mean the other person will now do what you want. However ultimatums really are a form of coercion. If the other person gives in with what you want, she will still feel forced or pushed to do something she wasn't ready to do on her own in the first place. This can lead to resentment building. Do you think it might backfire? I've known guys who got married only when and because their girlfriends gave them an ultimatum. It rarely leads to a good outcome even though they did get married. The girlfriend/wife was happy with the outcome but the guy wasn't even though he did agree. I've known people who chose to have kids when they didn't want to but because their spouse gave them an ultimatum. Again, in the end the ultimatum-giver got what they wanted and the "victim" went along supposedly agreeing to the terms. But just because they agreed to go along doesn't mean they are actually OK with it. not being fully 100% cooperational can lead to problems in the relationship later on.In your situation, I think that if you gave her an ultimatum, she would say no to you. Because truly, from her perspective what is more important: being with you, whom she has only known for 1 year, or not having her parents commit suicide?? It's her happiness versus her parents' lives that are at stake. I'm pretty sure she will say no to your ultimatum.
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