A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have some questions about how to avoid being needy/clingy and how to relax and let things happen at their own pace... First, some background:I have been seeing a woman now for three months or so. Our situation is somewhat complicated by the fact that she's recently divorced and is now a single parent with a young child. Due to the situation, we have agreed to take things slow.I realized during the holidays that I'm falling for her HARD... She seems to be everything I've been looking for all in one package. Due to the fact that my feelings for her have intensified, I'm finding it more difficult to be patient and take things slow. I know that trying to push things forward would be poorly received and might result in losing her. After all, I did agree to go at her pace in the beginning as she's the one with more complications.She hasn't said anything that would indicate she's unhappy with the relationship and always seems happy to see me and spend time with me. In fact, the only indication I have that she's noticed a change in my behavior came last night. We were talking and she compared me to her ex-husband - favorably, mind you - saying what had initially attracted her to me was the fact that I had most of his good qualities without his bad ones. She then went on to say the only problem she's had with me so far in the relationship is that I worry about things too much. She said she feels like if I spent less time in my own head and stopped over-analyzing everything, I'd be much happier. Honestly? I'd have to agree with that.Most of my "needy" impulses, I've managed to keep to myself - I try to stop myself from contacting her too often or showing her I'm upset if she cancels on me, etc. But it seems pretty clear that she has noticed a change from her comments. I do find myself thinking about things she says too much - like I'll find some sort of hidden meaning in it if I analyze it enough. I'm also very much aware I would like things to be more serious than they are.She's shown genuine interest in the relationship so far and I feel one hundred percent that she and "us" are worth waiting for. So I'm really just looking for advice on how to get my own head under control and stop obsessing. I want to be able to give her the time she needs without seeming needy or pushy.I know the first step in fixing any problem is acknowledging that there IS a problem and I've done that now. Does anyone have advice for getting needy behavior under control before it does start to affect the relationship?Given that she hasn't really brought it up other than to say I worry too much, I think I don't need to bring it up to her...if I reign it in now, there won't be a problem (unless admitting it to her is part of fixing it).Does anyone have suggestions for getting out of my own head before I create a problem where there isn't one now?
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female
reader, aphexinfinite  +, writes (27 January 2012):
 makes more sense hearing of your last relationship. Perhaps you think shes too good to be true because she is better stability than your previous partner. Just try to be you. if you want to text her or call do it as long as its less than 50 times a day lol. me and my partner call twice a day and text up to ten times. best thing is you need to just relax be yourself she will either love it or hate it. she obviously tell you how she feels about you so if something was bothering or annoying im sure she would tell you if not ask if shes happy. good communication is key and it seems its healthy between you both. take care xx
A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 January 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the responses. I agree, you're probably right about the insecurity thing as I feel my head going there more often than it should be. I don't ever think she's seeing someone else or anything like that, but I do occasionally interpret her not answering the phone or calling to cancel on me as a lack of interest on her part (despite the fact that she's explicitly told me she IS interested as well as all the other non-verbal indications) so there's obviously something going there. I do keep 99% of that to myself - but even if I'm not telling her what goes through my head, it still makes me crazy from time to time and I'd rather not go through it...
I guess another thing that plays into this is my last relationship. I dated a woman for two years that was emotionally extremely high maintenance - if I didn't call her twice a day just to say hi, she'd get upset. If something was going on in her life (like a sick sibling or problems at work, etc) and I forgot to ask about it, she'd get upset. Even though it wasn't exactly healthy (and at times annoying), I tried to give her what she needed and I guess I got used to that.
Fast-forward to this relationship and now I have a woman who seems emotionally very healthy and doesn't need constant contact from me. But since my last girlfriend was like that, something is always nagging in my brain that if I don't at least text her today she's going to think I don't care about her. I seriously doubt that's true but it's hard to break habits sometimes.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 January 2012): I think that this is really a personal insecurity issue as in an easily triggered fear response. When you have a deep seated fear or anxiety about something like a potential loss, you become hypervigilant to guard against it. Which leads to worrying a lot, being paranoid, searching for hidden meaning, being clingy and needy - all suggests to me an overdeveloped fear of abandonment and fear of losing self esteem, and that's been heightened so much that everything is a hair trigger for provoking it.you may need to work with a therapist to identify where your insecurity and fear comes from (it often comes from experiences in your childhood that get reinforced in adulthood as well as your relationships with the people who had most influence in your life in childhood and adolescence) so you can start to 'unlearn' it and replace it with new patterns of thought.
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A
female
reader, aphexinfinite +, writes (25 January 2012):
I had this problem a while back with my ex. i over obsessed that wasnt the reason we split but it was a large part of it. my sister noticed how i was and she said you have to relax and let things run its course or you will ruin something pretty good. I did try to stop over thinking things however i kept slipping back into it. In the end we ended things because i needed more and he couldnt give me the satisfation i needed to stop being clingy however it was me who had the problem and i should of fixed it rather relying on them to do it for me. You really need to relax and learn that she is with you because she wants you and not someone else. Have good communication talk to each other when you have problems your their for each other. I did not change in time until it was too late, it was very sad that i could of had something beautiful and i gave it away for over thinking and needyness. Just remind yourself she is with you, she likes who you are, and you only have one downfall which you are fixing. That makes you one damn amazing man so take it from me. You have something beautiful dont throw it away for thoughts and needyness, live your life without regret or wondering, go to the future with an open mind and a loving heart, and you never know that something amazing might actually happen have some faith in yourself and her. hope this helps aphex xx
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