A
male
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:Hi, I need help with something. I am a 23 year old Christian man, I have been married for two years and the last year has been sexless. My wife and I got married two years ago and initially I could tell that she was nervous about sexual intimacy (we didn’t have sex on our wedding night), but I never pushed anything, I just waited until she felt comfortable. The first few months of our marriage we couldn’t keep our hands off each other, but the rest of the first year the sex got less and less frequent, and this last year I don’t think we’ve had sex at all. A large reason for this is that my wife had gained some weight within the last year, mainly due to the birth control she was on that we have now stopped. Her weight gain never stopped me from wanting to be intimate with her, but I think she has lost confidence in her body and so is avoiding having sex. In fact, she also avoids even long kisses with me in case it turns into the expectation of sex. I will never be unfaithful to my wife, and I will be patient with her. But if I’m honest, I feel empty inside. I feel unwanted and I have started to lose confidence in my own body and wonder if she is no longer attracted to me. The scariest part of all of this is that, purely due to not being intimate with each other, I think I have begun to lose my attraction towards her. It’s starting to feel like we are just friends, not husband and wife. Her weight loss and her lack of self esteem as a result of it has impacted so much of who she is, or was. With each day she seems angrier, more upset, more pessimistic. However, she doesn’t seek positive change. I have implied in certain ways that it would be good for her to speak to someone about what she is experiencing. I have also talked about us starting to exercise together. Both of these ideas have been met with sadness, which hurts me, as I don’t want to hurt her. I really have no clue what to do. I want to be patient with her, I don’t want to leave her, I could never dream of it. But if I could see into the future and see that our marriage would be the same for the next 20 years, then that is not what I want for my life. I just feel so lost as to what to do. Please help.
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female
reader, mystiquek  +, writes (18 July 2019):
 OP, I can certainly understand your concern/frustration/bewilderment. Its very hard to have a relationship when one partner doesn't want to talk or confide in the other. You are left wondering what is wrong, have you done something. The list goes on and on. Some people have a very hard time opening up to others. Is this your wife? It sounds like you have tried to talk to her but you aren't getting anywhere. Try again..be gentle when you speak to her, express that you care about her, your relationship and you just don't understand what is going on and you need her to help you so you can both be happy.
It may not work. If not, do you have a minister, someone of the clergy that you might be able to meet with and talk? Is counselling an option?
I agree that its possible there is something going on physically with her that is causing her to not want sex, eat too much, not want to exercise. It could be so many different things but you can't help the situation if you don't know what is going on!
Most people don't want to be in a sexless marriage..seriously how much fun is that? You need to do everything you can and if your wife still won't open up or try to resolve things then you might have to search your heart to determine if you want to live the rest of your life in this way. No affection, no sex, no communication. No one would blame you if you chose to walk away. As I always tell people, life is short..waaaay too short to be miserable.
I hope that you can find an answer for both of you. You sound like a nice man who just doesn't know where to turn. I'm sorry OP. Don't waste your whole life if things don't improve ok? We can't help those that don't want to help themselves.
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (18 July 2019):
 Discover intimacy in another way than through sex. This is my first advice for this situation. You and your wife do not have intimacy, and you blame it on no sex. But intimacy comes before sex. Perhaps she avoids sex because she feels there is no intimacy. So create intimacy in your relationship first. Examples: always go to bed at the same time. Take showers together. Laugh together. Make jokes with one another that both enjoy. Experience things together, preferably new things. New experiences often create intimacy and a shared history. If you and your wife were not dating for long before marriage, then you need to build up shared experiences and history together. Share secrets. Look into each others eyes when you speak. Be physically intimate through kisses, hugs, gently touching each other (not sexually). Help each other. These things build intimacy. From intimacy comes sex. Not the other way around.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (17 July 2019):
 Well I can look into your future, because I and many others have been there. Sexuall intimacy in the relationship will continue to decline. Weight will continue to increase. Your frustration will be tested well beyond what you think your limits are.
Fortunately for you you have already decided that this is not a life you want. Here are some things you should do immediately to secure a future you desire. Do Not have sex with this woman or do anything that might result in pregnancy. Speak to a lawyer and an accountant. Initiate separation. Divorce.
I am dead serious about this. These situations never improve.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 July 2019): It might be worth her talking to her doctor about the type of birth control she is on. For me, it made me depressed and my libido vanished. I just didn't feel myself at all. Then I stopped taking it and feel myself again. Might be worth trying a different type for a while and seeing if that helps.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (17 July 2019):
 I think Brown Wolf it right on the money.
Try and arrange some outdoor activity "dates" with her. Like trying to go kayaking/canoeing or even put-put or go-karting, hiking that sort of thing.
(suggestion) start out with something easy.
Like Brown Wolf suggest, SET an example, BE an example. It's a WAY better motivator than TRYING to suggest how the other person "fixes" their "issue". She might feel your suggestion of the gym is you telling her SHE is fat, making her feel worse. Get it? So planning some outdoorsy activities (no suggesting) is you taking the lead.
Also romance. If she doesn't FEEL desirable, show her that you FIND her desirable. It doesn't have to be long snogs or deep kisses... but a hey gorgeous, how was your day? - big smile and kiss on the cheek. Or that color looks great on you. A quick hug. Something that SHOWS in your actions that you FIND her attractive.
Sex will come again when SHE feels a bit better about herself and feels LOVED. THAT it's not just SEX you want from your wife but being WITH her.
Also if she is OFF her birth control, she might worry about getting pregnant. She might not WANT kids just yet. Which is smart. So when things get better on the physical intimacy level (and I think it will IF you work on it) maybe suggest YOU use condoms for a while if kinds aren't quite what the two of you want right now.
Marriage takes work. If something you try doesn't work, take another approach. I'd say don't give up yet.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 July 2019): People go through so much in their lives, peaks and troughs and grief and success and failure and honestly if you can't stand by your wife through the hard times you've no business being married.
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A
male
reader, BrownWolf  +, writes (17 July 2019):
 Hi Op,
You have to become the leader here...Note...not the boss, but a wise leader.
Stop looking at your wife and all her issues, and taking on her feelings. To help someone who fell into a hole full of misery, is not to jump in the same hole as them...even if it is your wife. You stand outside the hole and you pull them out. If you jump in there with her, all you have is two miserable people stuck in the same hole.
Don't ask her to work out and live a healthy life. You lead the way, and let her see the changes you make, and she will follow. People always want to change others just by telling them to change, and expecting the changes.
You are a Christian as you say...Truth is, Jesus never tried to change people...He came to TEACH us how to live different lives, and TEACH is how to be better, loving people. The Bible says GOD does not change. He is the same now and always. But he does TEACH.
Teach your wife how to think differently about herself, and teach her how to accept who she is.How?? Just love her and give her all the things you cannot buy in a store. Like friendship, respect, love, and so on.
Men need sex to feel loved. Women need love to want sex.
Being frustrated with her because of the lack of sex is not love. Therefore, no love...No what???
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A
female
reader, KeW +, writes (17 July 2019):
 Hi there,I can understand your dilemma and you have made some fair suggestions to her, so I'm sorry she wasn't able to be open to them. You seem quite young to be married, so she may have felt rushed into marriage by her family or someone in her religious circle - even if she loved you. This may be dawning on her and she's since been disinterested in intimacy.It's possible she has a low libido or other hormonal/health issues that affect her interest in intimacy.It's possible she is not feeling very connected to you, which can happen in relationships and isn't anyone's fault. How long were you together before marriage?Perhaps she would agree to marriage counselling, either from a faith-based therapist or a religiously unbiased one. If she still won't agree, it may be worth you seeing one on your own to help you through your feelings on this.I'm not sure how open and understanding your family and religious circle are, but it's possible this marriage won't last and I'm wondering what support you have if that's the case?Is it possible some romance would increase her desire for intimacy, even if not improving her interest for sex? Do you do much together? Do you go on dates still? Do you do things without hoping it leads to sex?I understand that your concern is sex, which is a valid issue, but I'm wondering what the rest of your marriage is like? You don't say you love her, just that you don't feel like her husband because there's no intimacy and it's making you lose attraction to her.How much sex education did you receive? How much did your family/religious circle discuss relationships as you were growing up? What are your expectations of her? What do you do for her? What does she do for you?Lack of interest can be caused by many things: stress, insecurities, feeling unloved (not just undesirable), hormonal imbalance, medication, feeling pressured, feeling rushed into commitment, being raised on a restricted view of sex and female desire/pleasure, etc.I think there's more to this than you've shared and you may not be aware of it. You don't have to stay in an unhappy marriage, but that doesn't mean it's necessary to give up so soon. You're both very young, possibly had a limited education on relationships and sex, may not be communicating effectively or nurturing the rest of the marriage, etc.Please update us on the questions I've asked, so we can hopefully give you more advice.
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