A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My ex broke up with me almost 2 months ago now. It wasn't a bad break up, and he was so wonderful to me while we dated. I still miss him terribly and find myself unable to move on. When we first started dating I knew I liked him a lot, but was afraid because for a long time I felt he like me a lot more than I like him. He was always very open about how much he liked me, and missed me, etc (we dated throughout the summer, but then in the fall I went back for my final year of college, and he is 2 years older than me, graduated an working). He was the one that asked for exclusivity before I went back to school, and it was what I wanted so I agreed.I know myself, and I know I am very slow to let walls down and let others in and become vulnerable emotionally to people, but I took a chance on him because I knew he was worth it and let myself slowly fall for him. The problem was, by the time I really felt like I was really falling for him, he was starting to feel disconnected because of the distance between us (about 5 months into us dating). Although we would see eachother on weekends, my school was about 2.5 hours away from him. He said the distance led him to start feeling disconnected, and that caused his feelings towards me to change. He said he still cares about me and wants to be friends but right now he doesn't have the same romantic feelings for me as before. I was completely blindsided and devastated. I had spent all this time working on myself to try and let someone special into my life, and in the end I feel like I got the rug pulled out from under my feet. After we broke up, I did no contact for a month, and then broke it around thanksgiving to wish him a happy holiday. Since then I have chatted with him briefly online, and through emails. We have both kept the conversation light and unrelated to our relationship. I really really am wishing that in the near future we might be able to have a second chance together, since in about 5months I will be graduating college and will only live about 45min from him as opposed to 3hrs. He knows this too. However he didn't want to promise anything for the future right when we broke up, because he says we can't predict what will happen in the future. I know people say its best to have complete no contact with your ex if you want them back, but at the same time we didn't have a horrible break up and we are both good people who don't want to completely cut eachother out of our lives. As of now he hasn't given me any indication either way of whether he wants to get back together or not, but we have been keeping the lines of communication open between eachother. And as of now, Im am still left wondering if distance was the only problem between us. I really want a second chance to see if this was really the case or if maybe we just grew apart. Either way Im not sure what is the best way to maintain some level of communication with him if my end goal is to hopefully get a second chance in the future. Right now my plan is to occasionally send him a light email every once and awhile when i think of him or have something intersting to tell him, and then ask if we can meet up for coffee or something after i graduate. I dont want to push him for getting back together right now as I am still in school, and i know the situation has not changed from when we broke up in terms of distance. So that wouldn't be fair. If I am the one that got 'dumped' would it ever be appropriate for me to go to him and tell him that i still miss him and would like to try and start over? Or is that a complete no no? I know people say the dumper needs to be the one to do this, but at the same time I know I will always wonder "what if?" if I dont take matters into my own hands and go after what i really want. sorry i know this is long, and any advice people could give me would be really really appreicated. oh, and if this helps, I am 22 and he is 24. thanks in advance
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 December 2010): hi again, i am the original poster. thank you so much for all the words of advice and encouragement. it really helps to be able to talk this out with people, even strangers. im not one to really sit down and have "girl talk" with friends, im pretty private about my personal life. so having a site like this has helped me tons to be able to get stuff off my chest. its hard for me to sit back right now and expect that new, and better people will come into my life in the future because it has taken me so long to have a serious boyfriend in the first place. I know many people will say Im still young, but its hard to see it that way yourself when so many of your friends find their significant other in college, and here i am on my way out and single. And Im not a huge 'dater'. I feel like ive been so careful my whole life, not carelessly getting involved with people who i didnt have true feelings for and trusted. I swear Im not socially awkward, I have plenty of friends both guys and girls .. but it really took up until now for me to find someone that i really really liked and trusted. I guess I just have high standards (in a non conceited way) And on top of things Ive also always been so busy with school, i don't have endless time to commit to a normal college social life. i get out, but not as much as most. Because i spent all my high school years, and college years even, single .. and then finally found someone, the loss feels so much greater to me than just any old first boyfriend. i felt like he was really good for me at a time in life where im really starting to figure out who i am and what i want. he had all the qualities i would look for in a significant other, and i honestly felt incredibly lucky to have found him. maybe thats just me being emotional or dramatic about it, i dunno. ive been told a lot that i will find other people in life that are just as good if not better than my ex, and while i know this can also be true, im just really having a hard time seeing it :/im almost willing to risk the chance of maybe getting hurt again to see if he's willing give this a second shot after i graduate. atleast then in the end i will know i did everything i could have. and at that point if it doesn't work out then i would know for sure. and hopefully (i know much easier said now than done ..) move on at that point and just be grateful for the memoriesi just wish i had any insight as to what he is feeling right now, either way. keeping our conversations light and off our relationship has helped us stay comfortably intouch, but it also is equally confusing for me as i try to figure out what i need to do sorry for all the reposting - its just been kind of helpful to get all my thoughts written down for once!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 December 2010): Just because you still love him,you would be a fool to want start over with this guy,think about you and the life you have infront of you your intelligent,single and there is loads of guys just waiting for you to walk into their life you go gurl
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 December 2010): I accidently checked the wrong box...I posted the reply about precious unguaranteed moments...I'm a female not a male
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 December 2010): ~UNGUARANTEED PRECIOUS MOMENTS~
Live love this moment, as there' no guarantee of one's next.
Do NOT reduce the quality of your invaluable life. Live each moment as if it's your last.
Please, my Dear Flower, let go of past moments, and embrace what at this very moment makes your substance most dear-YOU!
Now, leave your ex be, and embrace the love at this very moment sharing with Thee.
Don't make a promise or stand agile of hope of a moment that your or his breath may never come to breath.
~Life is a moment, Unguaranteed~Love and let love and never will you feel unspoken regret.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 December 2010): You seem like one together young woman..you are both young..don't force things but stay in touch..it is a delicate balance and you should go out on dates with others for the moment..sometimes time apart is necessary to miss another and it takes some people longer then others..I am 47 and going through this very pain now, wanting so much to send a card or email for Xmas.. in my case a mistake I won't make..let him think you like him but KEEP your cool! Poise is everything and eventually he will wake up or you will find another..perhaps he doesn't feel worthy of you, academics, career, etc? If so you must help him understand you love him for HIM! Good luck and Godspeed.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 December 2010): Stay in light contact as you plan. Do no more. Do not wear your heart on your sleeve. Act as if you are over him and getting on with life. Then when you are closer in distance, you could then test the water. But don't hold out a lot of hope, only to be hurt again. It may really be over and he is happy to be on good terms. I think you may be clutching a straws.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 December 2010): Thank you everyone for your responses, I really appreciate it and it does help :)
I understand what you all are saying. I guess my question now is would it ever be a good idea to tell him I miss him, AFTER ive graduated and the distance situation is a lot different? I know I basically have to play the waiting game more or less while Im still in school. But Im trying to figure out the best way to remain in contact with him, so when i do graduate it wont be awkward to ask to meet up in person eventually. From what I understand, its probably not a good idea to give him any huge indication that I want to get back together, or that might push him away. But is there any hints I should be leaving? Should I just act like Im completely over it?
And I dont want to make it sound like im going to lock myself away for him for 5 months, I am going to try and keep myself open to meeting other people (although im not ready for that now, maybe one day I will be). But it still doesnt change the fact that deep down I know I still miss what I had with my ex. Im sure a lot of people have said this, but I know he was not a player or a cheater. He was a really good person, and thats one of the reasons I liked him and trused him so much. This both of our first serious relationships, and i think that has contributed to a lot of the problems here.
I know it really all depends on his feelings in the end, but is there any hope in my situation here? Thanks again
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 December 2010): You're actually very level headed and intelligent about how you're handling this. You broke off contact, you've kept the contact since then light and unobtrusive. You sound like you're doing well in this so far despite how hurt you still feel.
Be proud of that, you really are dealing with this situation with both maturity and dignity. It's actually refreshing to get a post from someone that is for a change.
Distance does have that effect on people especially people in a relationship that was so short.
'If I am the one that got 'dumped' would it ever be appropriate for me to go to him and tell him that i still miss him and would like to try and start over?"
There are no rules about that, it doesn't matter whether you were dumped or did the dumping, no such rule applies. It wouldn't be inappropriate but it also wouldn't be a good idea for different reasons. You see the reason you broke up still exists, telling him you miss him is not going to change that, telling him you miss him won't be a good idea because you can't do anything about it because the distance thing is still a factor.
Seriously don't worry about that "should the dumper be the one to do this or do that etc. It's irrelevant and doesn't exist. You have to look at this from a practical sense. If you tell him you miss him and he says it back what does that mean? You're still going have the distance and you still will have to wait another 5 months because he's not going to go back out with you while that reason still applies. You know all this again everything you stated in your question is completely spot on and you are very smart about this.
I think you know the only thing you can do is give it time, I think you know this but it's quite painful waiting and hoping when it might not happen but I think you've exhausted your options. If you feel telling him all this would be positive then go ahead, don't be afraid to just because he dumped you. Personally the only thing I think it will accomplish though is peace of mind. Sitting back and waiting for months, with little contact hoping you can get back together might be too much for you to bear. If you've already reached that point then it might be worthwhile talking to him about what happened between you, if distance was the only reason and what does he think might have happened if there was no distance. I'd steer clear of talking about getting back together though. It is pointless to make such plans for that far into the future.
If you want to tell him you miss him then do, it might give you a clearer idea of what he feels, if he says he misses you too.
There's two ways you can do this, you can either wait, in hope or you can talk to him. Waiting is exceptionally difficult to do and while it might not bring the desired result if waiting becomes too much then you will have to talk to him.
Above all though be proud and happy because you're doing everything right, you're logical, thoughtful and have a good grasp of the situation. Despite your feelings you're being realistic and observant bravo to you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 December 2010): ~PLAYERDAR~
Pardon my language but fk him. If he loved you, distance wouldn't make a bit of difference. Heck, say you two people are married and one or the other is in the army and is deployed to another country, would the typically result in prompt divorce?
Get what I'm saying here?
No! Don't beg him! I'm sorry but he's a player, and so why would you want to even invest an inkling of a millimoment of time on a guy who's beneath you?
Sweetie, there's some really good guys out here. Don't settle.
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