A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have been with my girlfriend for seven years and we are to get married in 2 months. I started dating her 1 year after my ex-girlfriend. Me and the ex had a terrible break up of course cheating was involved. The relationship ended and for the most part I just never spoke about her and or to her. She was 20 and I was 25 years old. She tried on may occasions to get back with me and I just turn her away. She did email prior to her getting married two years ago maybe looking for a way out. I replied and kept the email very impersonal. Over the last 2 year just simple emails. Nothing emotionalUntil I ran into her and we for the first time after 9 years spoke about the breakup. I really did not think anything of it at the time, but 4 weeks later I am still think of her. I am 35 and have dated enough. I am trying to forget her but emailing does not help.Me and the current girlfriend have had a drama free relationship. If I am having all these feeling and doubts should I still go though with the wedding? This is definitely out of my character.
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female
reader, kellyxxx  +, writes (3 July 2009):
 Don't even think about calling the wedding off or post poning it! Your fiance will never forgive you and you'll lose the best thing in your life! Just try and stop thinking of your CHEATING LYING EX girlfriend!! She is an ex for a reason so get over this little stumble! And enjoy your life with your bride to be! X
A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 July 2009): There must be a valid reason why you would kick a 7 year old relationship to the curb. There should also be good reason I hope that made you stay in a relationship for 7 years, and not just 'comfort' or being 'dragged along'? Have you stayed in this relationship for lack of a better option? Yes, you must double check that this is not just cold feet so do take that time to think but don't make it an eternity, your partner must know where she stands. Who knows, maybe you are just not ready for more stability and constancy. What is interesting is that you say your relationship with your ex was turbulent while your current relationship is drama free. At least in this respect your current relationship is of higher quality. I would wonder what is it that you miss about the ex (or the relationship with the ex?) if you let these thoughts carry you away and percolate doubts. Besides that... turbulence what was worthy and valuable in that relationship? Was it something the current one lacks? (If so, is it something important that you can't live without?) And what does the new relation bring in exchange for what it lacks? These questions can make a difference. What usually threatens long time relationships is that irksome routine but with the right tools and state of mind this can be defended against. Is this your case? You need to subject your current relationship to an examination that can tell you what it can give, what it lacks, what to expect from it as a married couple and check if you like what you see. Do a self exam and see also what you can give to help nurture the relationship through sunny and especially windy weather. This is actually a matter of knowing yourself, your preferences, your dislikes, knowing your partner, etc. It can also be that you are not ready to devote yourself to a life long commitment but if you are unprepaired now, when is the right time? In 7 more years? This can't be something that dawned upon you just the other day. Search inside. If it's the common 'I miss the thrill of a new relationship' this can be solved with more or less effort from both sides. We don't know what is missing in your couple life now because you don't mention anything wrong or disturbing, you simply say it is quiet, tranquil. To me, this is an asset. I'd rather have a quiet life than many bumps in the road. You may need more excitement and nerves so to you, this can be a clear deal breaker. Whatever you do, if you have doubts, don't take this as a challenge: to be able to follow what is expected of you or not. Look closely at the reasons that make you doubt, hear them out and decide how they affect you, they are very important. I hope you will make the best choice for you, in light of what gives you new food for thought at this column. I wish you the best.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 July 2009): I think you should at least post pone the wedding until you clear your head.
First off I am not sure what "doubts" you are having about your current gf. You didn't say anything bad about her but you did say you have a drama free relationship. I don't know about other people but it sounds like a real deal especially at your age of 35. And a seven year relationship? Wow I'm lucky if I can make it past yr with my luck.
So basically the things affecting you is the ex-gf. Why is it affecting you though? I mean it must have been nice to meet up with her and talk but do you want to spend your life with her? Do you really wanna give up something so great for her? I mean you guys even broke up when cheating was involved...do you really want to re-live that past? I mean it IS your choice but I thought you'd have a little more sense that this, and you even have a great gf now. Well if I was in your shoes I'd love to just be able to forget about that ex and marry the real love.
Either way good luck, hope whatever you chose works out for you.
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A
male
reader, GrimmReality  +, writes (3 July 2009):
 Well lets look at this honestly.
I assume that your breakup was because of your GF cheating. so now you have a drama free relationship and of course you are getting cold feet because you didn't really end things well with the former GF. Thats not a good foundation to start a marriage to someone else on.
Remember that she cheated on you. Do you think it will get any better if you get back together with her?
Basically you need to be honest with your fiance and give her the respect of postponing the wedding, regardless of what the monetary cost is. The emotional cost down the road could be tremendous if you marry someone you don't love. I suggest you really examine whether you are in a position to be married.
Think if you are, and 5 years down the road you have a couple of kids and a mortgage, and then this comes out...it will be devastating for your wife to know you married her under less than honest pretenses.
Best to postpone this wedding until you work out your own issues.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 July 2009): Well, if you have doubts, more then the ussual you think, then you should cancel, or at least postpone the wedding. It's not fair to you to get married if you don't want to, and it's not fair to your wife to get married to someone who is potentially lying about wanting to get married. Plus, it is cheaper to cancel the wedding now instead of later, and it is also cheaper to cancel it then to get a divorce. Plus, all the heartache will stay to a minimum. And even if you don't get back with your ex-girlfriend, it doesn't matter. This will shows your wife-to-be that you are honest with her, and you have to do what's right for you. Good luck with all of this!!
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A
female
reader, SirenaBlusera  +, writes (3 July 2009):
 A good rule of thumb is... that if you're about to make an irrevocable, or nearly irrevocable decision... then you need to LISTEN to your doubts!!
Usually, we regret what we DON'T do more than what we do... but you shouldn't do something that will affect the rest of your life unless you're SURE!
For example, I just answered a question about tattoos. Sure, they're sexy on the right guy... but they're permanent. Very few decisions are 100% irrevocable. However, tattoo removal is a pain in the ass and can leave scars and it costs some $$$. Likewise, divorce is a huge legal entanglement, leaves emotional scars, and costs up to thousands of dollars.
Think about it, amigo mio. Do some soul searching and don't rush in.
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