A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I can't really give a huge amount of information for obvious reasons, but I am in an unofficial relationship with my married art teacher which our entire school/college knows about. He is my best friend and I am genuinely in love with him, not a crush, not an infatuation, I know everything about him and vice versa, we like the same music/books/films, we are both what people call 'hippies' - I wear giant fairy wings on a daily basis and long gypsy skirts while he wears long coats and scarfs, and we both spend a lot of time staring into space and pretending to be interested in what other people are saying. We live near each other so we meet up every day and get the train together, and talk about complete insane things, like, for example, what noises pigeons make. He is incredibly shy while I am confident and outspoken, so our relationship is balanced despite the age difference. Also the school where he is an art teacher and I am a student is an 'independent college' which means there is no uniform, staff and students are on first name terms and everyone is equal.We spend a lot of time together. In lessons we sit together and whisper to each other or make 'flirty' comments, and at lunch we also sit seperately from everyone else. Whenever we see each other we have a secret 'signal' that we do similtaniously. And when we are are together we always smile and laugh. I dread weekends because of course I cannot see him. Instead I listen to his favourie bands or study his favourite arists, just to feel closer to him, and according to my family, talk about him constantly.I love him so much and I think he feels the same way although I would never ask him outright until I have left the school - it just wouldn't be fair.I am so confused though because he is married. His wife is an English teacher at a mainstream school - this really surprised me when he first told me because, of course, he is very alternative. I have not met his wife and sometimes I get the impression he is no longer interested in her. They don't have kids - I forgot to mention that! He has never once said anything to suggest he actually likes her, and he always seems to avoid talking about her. Yesterday, when telling me about how he had to go and meet her from work, he rolled his eyes at me and sighed loudly. Obviously I wasn't sure how to react to this!I'm not sure whether he loves me or not, or does he just see me as a friend/companion? If he was not married, would he see a future with me? And if he does, will he ever divorce her?I was talking to a male friend earlier and he told me I should, 'get a new boyfriend' (making it blatantly obvious that he should be the chosen candidate!) I do get a lot of offers from guys, but I tell them that I am in love with 'my lovely art teacher friend' and am subseqeuntly unavailable. I told the male friend I was talking to that I love my art teacher and love is never a bad thing; society has merely created an idea of this being taboo and indecent. Personally I couldn't care less what people think!What are your opinions?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 March 2008): I don't mean to sound rude to Ask oldersister but we do actually have serious conversations - the ones I was referrring to were the conversations we had sitting on a train on Friday evening, and in a light-hearted context. About 45% of the time we do have more serious conversations. Personally I feel that if all relationships were about being vunerable, angry, depth and expressing feelings then the world would be a very dull place indeed. We were only having the 'silly' conversation about pigeons because he was sad about something and I wanted to cheer him up
In response to what you said about our 'relationship' not having meaning, we became friend when he was helping me through some really bad times and used to has lots of depressing conversations which generally resulted in me getting upset and him trying to cheer me up all the time. and now we are still very close but we try to be more jokey because obviously there is no point being serious all the time, in my opinion that is the route of all depression. Until quite recently there was no implication there would be anything physical about it, that is we are not attracted to eachother, and we are just good friends. Also he is not the sort of person who judges on how aestetically pleasing someone is, he buys all his cloths from charity shops and wears them for months on end and he didn't actually notice that recently I have had quite a bad eye infection and look completely awful.
Him: 'how's it goin', you alright?'
me: 'not exactly, only my face is swollen up and i look completely awful.'
Him, 'no no it's fine, I don't see a problem.'
Infact he is the only person who doesn't immediately tell me upon seeing me that me eye is swollen up - as if I don't know!
Also I do not think everyone who stays with there wife/husband is nessicarily doing so because they are in love with them, regardless of whether they have kids, it is instead to do with security and how you could potentially be viewed by other people.
Also incase you are interested he is late 20s; I think many of you have assumed he is older.
Also the reason why I have not 'moved on' is not because I have anything against people my old age (such as finding them immature) I am a firm believer that age is just a number. My art teacher is just the only person I feel talking to and most people I feel nervous around but not him, also we have the same political/cultural beliefs and the same slightly odd sense of humour which always helps. Oh, and the same astrological sign - not that it means anything!
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 March 2008): Just look around. You're in the oldest situation in the schoolyard when it comes to female teenagers and teachers.
Please do yourself a favor and don't put too much of yourself into this guy. I know you don't want to hear this, but the simple truth is that YOU WILL NOT be able to turn this situation into what you want it to be. The unfortunate truth is that you will eventually either be hurt after a little emotional invesment, or you can be hurt after a much larger investment.
It is not emotionally harmless to put yourself in this position. Please don't think it is. Every relationship shapes & takes things away from you as well as benefits you. With relationships, part of the difference between an adolescent and an adult is that the adult realizes the fire he/she is playing with EVERY SINGLE TIME, and is more choosy about who he or she is willing to get invested in.
And relationships get disproportionately more impacting the earlier they occur in your development. It's a hell of a lot worse for your emotional/psychological health to end up in a messed-up situation when you're a teenager than when you're 33 years old. Believe me on this.
You feel so close to this guy and that feels so different, but what you may not want to face is that half the battle is how much that YOU are putting into this relationship yourself. It's partly that this teacher is so much, but I suspect it's partly that you are building him up to be so much.
There are other guys out there (yes, teenage guys who are just as "mature" as teenage girls) who are just as wonderful people that would mean just as much to you. But you can't sabotage it right from the beginning like this.
You undoubtedly walked into the situation with this art teacher with some automatic assumptions about him that already give him a huge leg up in your mind compared to most other potential BFs out there. (I'm not picking on you about this, I'm just saying it's a normal way to think.)
You've probably automatically assumed that that he's more mature (because he's older, occupies a legit job), he's a decent person (because he's a teacher), he's disirable (because he's steadily married), etc. See what I mean? I'm saying that probably half of the great person you're making him out to be right now is engineered in your own mind. Apply that in a better direction, and other guys can seem just as important to you.
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A
male
reader, Stroller +, writes (16 March 2008):
 Well, you guys obviously talk really well, and I would say you have a great relationship in many ways. But your teacher seems to have overlooked one important conversation, and he really shouldn't be leading you on like this unless he & his wife have some kind of open or polyamorous relationship.
I think some honesty is really in order, and if he isn't going to start it then you need to. I would start with "when you rolled your eyes talking about your wife, what did you mean by that? isn't it obvious how I feel about you?" There comes a point at which flirting has to be put to one side, for a moment.
You're obviously not daft, and I don't think you're misreading any signals, so the question is whether he has serious intentions towards you or whether he's overstepped some serious boundaries. In the former case he either needs to leave his wife (or introduce you to her, so that you know that they're genuinely open) and but if he's not serious about you then his behaviour really is inexcusably inappropriate, considering his position.
It IS fair for you to do this now, considering you're thinking about him enough to be posting here. What's unfair of him is to have lead you on or to have failed to offer you honest reassurance, if he feels the same way you do.
There's a famous UK case in which a teacher was imprisoned for having sex with an underage pupil. Three years later, on the day of his release and with her parents' blessing, she married him, and they are still together some 20 years later. Good luck to you!
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A
female
reader, TattooedStacy  +, writes (16 March 2008):
Sweetie, welcome to everyone's world. I am in the same situation as you. Unless something god awful happens, and not to sound mean, he's not leaving.
Historically speaking men don't leave their wives. I had been on and off with a married man for 5 months (while I was married too) and he never made a move to leave. There is always something she does that saves the marriage.
Honestly, from expericence if he wanted you to be his one and only, you would be. Right now, it seems like you are the back up plan.
A lot of men will over play how they really feel happiness wise and then fake when they are sad. I went through and am still going through the same thing.
I am not sure if this will help, but I would follow your male friends advice. There are too many people out there to wait on a man who will never leave.
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