A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:About 5 months ago my high school sweetheart and I re-connected on a romantic level. We have stayed in touch over the 10 years since we graduated and were friends and other than the occasional date we had not dated in over 10 years. 5 months ago we started talking again. He relocated from our hometown and moved 800 miles away for work. We thought it was going to be casual being we live so far away from each other. He visited me and then I went out for a week and visited him. It was incredible, our connection was so strong and every aspect was amazing. We sat up all night on many of the nights and talked about what we wanted out of life, goals, feelings, and our situation. We both agreed that the potential for "happily ever after" was there and that we wanted to try. We have visited eachother often and talk every day. Most of our conversations are about the future, getting married, having children, etc, etc, etc. Most of my friends who know the situation think its a fairytale because he is being so open, honest and possitive about the future and we havent dated that long this time around but do have a long history. I have a child from my previous marriage and he is looking forward to meeting her, doesnt have any issues with it and talks about loving her the same in the future as any children we might have.Here's the problem... As amazing as he is with what he says and how much he makes me feel like he loves me and has decided in his mind that I am "the one" he refuses to commit to an exclusive relationship. I have explained to him how much this bothers me and that to me it feels like cheating because he talks about getting married and "our" future however then I know he is dating. He states that he is not "connecting" or "getting attached" to anyone else and I am the only one he wants to be serious with but that being we are so far apart he just cant become exclusive.What does this mean? Should I be ok with it? Should I give it time? I know how I feel about him and I couldnt go and be with anyone else because it would hurt to much even though its hard being alone since he is so far away. It hurts that he can which makes me feel like he doesnt feel the same but then he says things that would totally make you think he is head over heels and wants to settle down... Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 June 2010): Basically he is doing it because he can have his cake and eat it. He gets the freedom of being single and the stability and love of being in a relationship.
You'll never make him change as long as he gets away with it. You need to give him an ultimatum: Be with me or be single. This will only work if you really mean it and you have to be ready to deal with the answer even if its not the one you want.
If he decides to be with you: great well done :)
If he say its silly: hold your ground and tell him your feelings are valid and thats just the way its going to be.
If he decides to stay single: Well then he doesnt feel the same way and has been stringing you along so its lucky you found out. After a while he may even realise being single sucks and beg for you back.
A
female
reader, raiders +, writes (16 June 2010):
 Since you live so far he might not want to be exclusive. Its not that he is planning on hooking up with anyone else but incase it did happened he wouldn't be considered a cheater. Well that is what I think.
...............................
A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (16 June 2010):
 I think you're being played. He's trying to control you by being "perfect." Why would he want you to commit to him if he won't commit to you? If he really thought you were the one and wanted to be with you forever, he wouldn't be dating lots of other people. Saying he's not connecting or getting attached is hogwash. He may even be telling them the same things he's telling you. Players are great at manipulating women and that's why it hurts so incredibly much when you find out what they are. But I think you should move on before you get further involved. If you don't want to break up with him yet, why not give him a taste of his own medicine and go around dating other guys? It probably won't change anything, but it would be priceless to see his expression when the tables are turned.
...............................
A
female
reader, BunnyTee +, writes (16 June 2010):
 I can't speak for you , but I know that I, personally, wouldn't think twice about a long term future with someone who gives me the "off into the sunset" forever and ever song and dance then proceeds to demonstrate otherwise. Is this his idea of happily ever after? You stay home so to speak and he's off frolicking with the flavor of the week? Certainly doesn't sound like Mr. True Blue to me, sister.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 June 2010): Well, how do you feel about it? This man is manipulating you. I know you think that it seems "normal" for a man that you have past history with to be saying so fast that he is wanting a future with you, but it's not.
First off he is simply building an emotional bridge from your "past" to the "future" especially devious because he is leaving the whole future thing vague. The manipulation tactic has the effect of "hooking" you emotionally and seals your emotional investment. What a crock. Your friends have it about right, this is "fantasy". Nothing more.
Your issue is that you are overly invested in this man and this relationship based on a one week whirlwind romance and the "connection" that you feel. This is also a manipulation tactic. There is a danger in feeling a strong connection with someone so soon because what that is about is your projection onto him what you hope him to be and you start fantasizing about the whole future thing. This strong connection means you have strong feelings which are masking reality, the reality of who he may really be....a con artist? Very possibly.
Get yourself out of the past and definately get out of the future. The only thing that is your reality is the present. Don't pay attention to his words, words are cheap. Pay attention to his actions. He is telling you through his actions and deeds that he just doesn't value you or your daughter or your future together, he wants to have sex and date other women because you aren't conveniently located where he is. If he was serious as his BS that he is spewing out, he would do everything to secure your trust, he'd ask you to move in for example.
Personally, I would call this some huge red flags and I would be exiting this relationship as if my hair were on fire. I don't like emotionally manipulative men because it's a pattern with them. If you end up staying, I can bet you that he is a cheater, he already is showing you his TRUE colors.
Sorry to burst your bubble and your fantasy, but you deserve the truth, don't you? Date a man in your own town, you will be able to shush him out a whole lot better. This guy is way too slick.
...............................
|
