A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Is it odd the way my boyfriend reacts to upsetting me? Whenever he does something that upsets me, whether it be something big or small, he's usually perfectly fine. He says sorry for what he does, but he gets into a sort of mood where he's like, 'well okay, you're upset so I'll just leave you to your own devices. I'll be here when you feel better.' Aside from apologizing, he seems to want nothing to do with me until I'm in a perfectly happy mood or until I'm at least okay enough to fake it. He'll go off and hang out with friends and watch movies, play video games, whatever, as if I'm not sitting aside totally broken from something he's done. He doesn't even check in on me as if he's expecting me to just get over whatever he's done on my own. I end up relying on the few close friends I have to cry and complain to, usually resulting in me not really getting over what happens. In the most recent episode, thee wasn't much related to the issue that I could talk to him about since it's been a recurring problem and nothing he says to try and reassure me that it's the last time can seem to comfort me, but it still makes me really sad that he won't make much of an effort to cheer me up and would rather go hang with friends than worry about how his girlfriend is doing. I could understand if I was asking him for time alone but I always express that I don't want him to leave me alone when I'm down, but it seems as though that's what he wants.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (18 February 2015):
 I see what you want. I understand it. HE cannot provide what you want and need.
I disagree with WiseOwl on the talking to friends. THAT'S WHAT FRIENDS are for.
As for how to deal with your BF, If you have talked to him about how you feel abandoned when he shuts down on you at the first sign of a disagreement and only wants to be around when things are peachy-keen, and he can't or won't adapt how he deals with your needs, it may be time to NOT contact him the next time you have a disagreement and just move on from him.
He's not responsible enough to keep a job and have money... he is not mature enough to deal with stressful confrontation. He's not ready to be an adult and you are.
I think you have outgrown him.
A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (17 February 2015):
 He's taking you for granted. You had done enough for this relationship. it's time to sit back and watch whether he will make effort to connect. He doesn't want it to end but he doesn't want to do the things to keep you either. You don't have to sever the contact. Seems like if you don't do anything it will just slowly die.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 February 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks jls022.More specifically, we've been dealing with money issues and issues with him staying in his phone whenever we get to see each other. We don't live very far apart but I'm busy with work and finishing school. He's just busy with school. They're both ongoing problems, but mostly the money issue thing. We've talked about renting a place together for some time now, but he's terrible with money and can't seem to prioritize with the way he spends and isn't responsible with work. He's unemplyed right now because he quit his job to take a seasonal job at a place that he liked that ended up only giving him a few hours a wee and it ended about a month agok. Still, he spends his money on games and silly things as if he still has some form of income. Knowing that he spends recklessly despite our plan makes me feel as though he really doesn't want to move in together, which is prefer that he tell me upfront if it wa the case but he insists that it isn't true and that he's just bad with money.This ties to the phone thing because I was off for Valentine's Day and wanted to spend the day with him at my place. I told him not to buy anything for me since I know that he doesn't have much money and job hunting isn't going so well. I decided that we'd just stay in, have dinner, watch movies, etc. I hadn't seen him in a while so I thought just time together at my place would be fine anyway. But through watching movies, he continued to text. I didn't mind at first but the endless clicking and the fact that he obviously wasn't paying attention to the movie began to bother me, so I just stopped the movie and said something about it. He stopped after that and apologized profusely, expressing obvious remorse for being preoccupied. I didn't want to make a big deal about it since it was just during the movie, but it had happened on other occasions of us spending time together, and it was Valentine's Day for Christs sake. There were also other thoughts, that maybe the movie was just boring, but you would think that he would say that instead of finding other things for him to do on his own instead of trying to enjoy Valentine's day with me. Although I was upset, I just finished the movie and pretended to have a good night for a while but it gradually began to eat away at me and I cried and complained. Afterwards, he went home and texted me that he was available if I needed him but didn't contact me the rest of the night or the day after, as usual. I was so frustrated by this because of course I wasn't going to beg him to come back over to be with me after he upset me. Is it bad to think that he should actually want to be there to make things better? I just didn't respond, but it usually doesn't happen in this order and the situation isn't so intense. Most of my friends live far from me so I talk to them online mostly. When I got on my computer the night of the incident, I could see that he was at home playing video games the entire night since we play them online together often. It shows when he's online and whenever he starts playing a game. It took me contacting him today for him to say anything. Sometimes this makes me want to sever contact with him completely because his reactions to me being upset are so unbelievably cold and totally unlike how he usually is.
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female
reader, jls022 +, writes (16 February 2015):
It would be good to get some examples of what it is he says/does to hurt you and how often this happens to allow people to give you better advice, but for the purposes of my answer I'll assume you are not being overly sensitive or looking for comfort every day or anything over the top.
So in general terms, I'd say that I wouldn't stay with someone who only wanted to be with me when I was in a good mood. I'm usually quite a positive person and rarely need to be comforted, but I believe that being there for them through the tough times is part of the package when you are with someone. Otherwise, what's the point? In my book, you don't get to be a 'fair weather' partner - there for the fun stuff but bails when things get a bit tricky. No chance! If he's not man enough to deal with emotions (mine or his own) then he better learn quick or I'm out of there.
Think of it this way OP - if you guys go the distance then there will definitely be times over the next 60 years where times will be tough, and you need to know you have someone who is going to stand by you through that. You won't be able to convince him to change, so you have to decide if it's something you can put up with or not. I personally wouldn't.
And I also agree that you shouldn't have to vent to your friends if you are in the right relationship, so that might be something to consider too.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 February 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks your responding jannipeg.
I doubt he's intentionally doing this. I believe he genuinely has been making mistakes. Even though there's the issue of him bailing when I'm upset, he's normally a really sweet guy, without a doubt the sweetest guys I've ever met. He is a bit gullible though (His words, but my observation), but some of the repeated mistakes he makes are frustrating and result in a strain on our relationship. That's the only reason I cried. I don't think he's meaning to make the mistakes to upset me, but knowing that he does and correcting them becomes so complicated is just... Yeah.
I just can't understand why he reacts this way though.
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female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (16 February 2015):
I sometimes feel the stress that I have to be this giggly barbie doll to keep things normal. No, a boyfriend should want to cheer you up and listen to you, be with you through ups and downs.
I am questioning if he's intentionally upsetting you, staging arguments so that he gets alone time. Especially if his guy friends are having a problem with him spending time with you. Some guys don't like to be tied down. They find regular meeting with girlfriends to be suffocating. If that's true your option is to not fall for his traps or find a boyfriend who does want to be with you, commit to you.
If this is a pattern it gets worse. One day you would find yourself in an on and off relationship which only benefits him and not you. Your girlfriends are your support net work. It's true that your relationship is a private matter but if you often find yourself having to vent to your girlfriends, it's a sign that the relationship is not good for you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 February 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWiseOwlE, a lot of the stuff you're explaining is very unfamiliar to me. The jealous friends, being a crybaby, tattle telling, and such.According to your advice, it's not okay for me to talk about my issues with anyone. Not him, because men are afraid of emotions, and not my friends, because that's tattling and our problems are personal. Judging by his reactions, he may think similarly but I don't understand. That leaves no one to talk to when I'm down. I don't cry often. This most recent incident is the only time I've cried in our entire relationship aside from the time a family member died, and he was t even around to see or know that. He cries way more often than I do, despite being younger and having less stress. I'm usually just one to express my sadness through words, but this time my frustration with him just built up to where I cried. I wasn't angry, again, just sad. Maybe him reacting this way would make more sense if I did this often, but I don't. Whether I'm mildly upset or what, he backs off.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 February 2015): I might add, you shouldn't discuss your personal-issues about your boyfriend with others. You are breaking the rules of intimacy within your commitment. Your problems are between him and you. Telling other females about your boyfriend problems opens doors for jealous opportunist-females who don't have a boyfriend; and figure they'd handle him better than you can. They'll sneak behind your back to give him comfort, and to rat you out.
Tattling to others can be interpreted as a way to humiliate and embarrass him publicly. It is meant to gang-up and sway opinions against him. He is not abusive to you. Is he?
Is that being a good girlfriend?
Just a little warning and something to think about! You're very young and inexperienced. Just trying to help.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 February 2015): In all fairness to you, and considering the fact men don't like dealing with drama and emotional-episodes; perhaps I misunderstood you. I sincerely apologize.
Take a few things into consideration. Guys feel uncomfortable when women weep. There is a hormonal-mechanism nature built-in to us, to retreat or back-off a woman in fear or distress. There is a chemical produced in our bloodstream that automatically lowers our testosterone level on the spot. It's for your protection. Don't believe me? Look it up.
If you are very emotional, the frequency of your emotionalizing becomes an annoyance. Cry-babies use tears to manipulate and like to wallow in their misery. Gender doesn't matter in this case; nobody wants to deal with a drama queen. Male or female!
Part of being an adult is managing our own feelings and emotions. People cheer us up when and if they feel like it. They have no obligation to. It's nice if they feel like doing it. It doesn't make you a bad boyfriend, if you prefer your girlfriend to be a little tough now and then. It is not his job to coddle and baby you. You're a woman, not a child. Most women want to be left alone by the guy who upset them. They like peaceful-solitude to have a good cry, maybe scream at the top of her lungs, think it out; then regain her sweetness and composure. Given the space to cool-off, his absence allows her to miss him, and forgiveness becomes that much easier. If you are immature in your thinking, this may not make sense to you.
He has been preconditioned and taught by his parents to take a "time-out" when you upset someone with your behavior. It only antagonizes your victim to be in their face. He prefers you in your up-mood, and doesn't like you when you're upset, sad, or angry; especially, if he is the cause of it. So, he automatically leaves you until you calm-down. I will not reverse the advice I gave you in my first post, I stand by it.
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female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (16 February 2015):
It's common that men don't want to deal with women crying but to ask to make things better is not asking too much. I would suggest going for ice cream or watching comedies. You said he regularly does it but not now? Does that mean something changed or he is not happy about the frequency that you are upset when he didn't mean to upset you? Is it possible that, he feels the solution of making you feel better, is encouraging you to react to situations every time? At the same time do you really want to be with a guy who upsets you a lot? You may think ups and downs are normal but it could be too much for him to deal with.
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female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (16 February 2015):
 You aren't going to change him so I guess you either dump him and try and find someone who is more empathic or you just get used to self-soothing. I would also make sure I wasn't over-reacting to situations if I were you. If you aren't then fine but always remember that drama queens are a pain in the ass.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 February 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI should also add that the leaving me alone thing happens over a few days, not just an hour or so. No texts, calls, visits. It's not as if I'm on the verge of exploding and lashing out at him. But again, he just removed himself from the situation in the way that feels like he only wants to be around me when I'm happy, but my sadness is my own problem and he has no obligation to speak to me until I'm perfectly fine again. There's no "Hey are you alright?" Or "Can I do anything for you?" No checking up, just like whatever. Contact me when you're over it. Is it really normal and acceptable in a relationship for a partner to only talk to you if you're feeling your 100% best, but get upset if you confide in others to feel better?
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (16 February 2015):
 We men are inept at talking about "feelings"go
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 February 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIt's not that I want him to "stick around to feel my wrath". When he upsets me, I don't get angry. We don't argue, nothing like that happens. It's when I'm said and I feel hurt, I don't think it's asking for too much to want him to make things better. Like trying to make conversation, asking me if to do things with him like he regularly does. Instead, he doesn't was to talk or anything until I'm happy on my own or someone else has done something to cheer me up. I should add that he gets upset when I confide in others and rely on them to cheer me up after he's upset me, despite him making it clear that he doesn't want to talk to me until I can suck it up and be happy again. It feels a bit like he removed himself from his position as my boyfriend or even my friend when I'm not all smiles. When he's upset, whether by me or something else, I'm always around trying to make conversation and letting him know that I'm making an effort to right a wrong or just be there for him. I've never left him to cry it out and get over it.
I think you're making incorrect assumptions about both of us.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 February 2015): Is'nt it good that he leaves you alone,rather than antagonising you or hanging around and wallowing in misery? you can have time to calm down and reflect on it. He says Sorry, so what more is there?
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 February 2015): I'm sorry, what's the problem? He apologizes when has done something wrong to upset you; and he leaves you alone until you're no longer upset. Hello? Am I missing something here?
When someone knows you're angry, why would anyone in their right mind hang around to watch you simmer to boil? He should leave you alone. NO...he does not have to pander to your tantrums or sooth your anger!!! You comfort people who are sad. An apology goes to those you upset. You don't allow them to manipulate you and fill you with guilt! You give people space who are angry. Anger is infectious. If you are frequently angry, he is sending you a message. "I want nothing to do with you when you're like this!!!"
He comes back when things are calm again. That is what a wise and respectful man is supposed to do. He has a proper upbringing. He takes a self-imposed time-out. He allows you to "compose yourself" as an adult should. That's how you avoid unnecessarily heated or extended arguments. It's how you diffuse tension; and it is a very adult-way to handle another person's anger. You want him to stick around to feel your wrath? No way! "Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned!" It is also an indication that you are often unreasonable. Take a hint!
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