A
female
age
41-50,
*reeves
writes:I have a daughter that is about to turn 7. Her father and I split up in November 2005. He has not helped us at all. He has moved on and married another woman that has 3 kids. He has seen my daughter a handful of times and all but one my older son who is 17 went along. Now my ex said something on the last trip that made my son not want to go with him again. He has called and wants to take our daughter for the entire month of July. I live in Texas he lives in Colorado. His new wife has to come to Shreveport to pick her kids up for her summer visitation. I don't know what to do. My daughter so badly wants to go, but I don't even really know where in Colorado they live and if he took off with her I would be devastated! Please help!!
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male
reader, rcn +, writes (25 June 2008):
 It sounds as if visitation has not been re-established for long distance. Unlike Holland, child support in the United States is separate from visitation. What you can do, if you know where he may be employed, is to notify the Colorado child support office, or your child support office and ask them to involve a partnership with Colorado to collect what is owed.
As far as eliminating rights. That too would have to be established through a court. Most states, the parent has to make no attempt to contact for a 12 month period, or be considered unfit, by law for the court to consider a termination.
Now, if he's trying to make an effort. You need to discuss with him about what would be suitable visitation rights, concerning his distance. Your daughter, in part is going to learn how to cooperate with others by how you and her father work together.
A
female
reader, freeves +, writes (25 June 2008):
freeves is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell I have decided not to let her go!
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A
male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (25 June 2008):
 It is time for the lawyer once again.
Find out what your options are to remove all visitation rights.
What might that do to your daughter? She will be hurt short term but long-term she would be better off not being torn apart in all this. He obviously doesn't care enough for her to actually pay for her up bringing as the court ordered.
I don't know the situation in the US but in Holland at least parents who do NOT pay child support loose their rights. Find out what a lawyer can do and don't back down, not for him and not for you daughter.
That she doesn't want to be with alone makes it already bloody clear that she is far from certain about her feelings for her biological father (a real father provides for his kid) and in time she will get over not seeing him. Maybe when she is older she can confront him on her own but not right now. Kids need stability even if that stability isn't perfect.
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A
female
reader, freeves +, writes (25 June 2008):
freeves is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for all of your responses. My son is 17 and it is not his son. On the last trip he bought my son a cell phone well he got it taken up at school. So "the father" called my phone and chewed me up one wall and down the other about how he bought this phone and now my son won't answer it and yadayada. So my son returned his call and they got into it also this man LIED about everythign in our relationship. I am not going to go into all that because that is the past but I do have reason not to trust his word. I do have an order in place. He never showed up for court so I have custody he is ordered to pay child support. He is supposed to have 6 supervised visits and then the normal every other weekend, holidays, summer. He owes about $8,000 in back child support. Does not send a dime. When I call for help he asks why my son isn't working and helping, is not my son's responsibility. Everytime child support cathces up with where he is working to garnish his wages he quites. And the last time we heard from him was in February when he and his new wife's income tax got garnished. He called me then and it was not pleasant. I have never received this garnished money and I keep telling him this but he has it in his mind that i got his income tax and am now witholding his daughter. I have let him see her for the weekend but I feel that I have kept my end of the deal. And the reason you don't let 7 year olds make these decisions. When I got home from work yesterday she was crying and begging me not to make her go. She wants to see him but she doesn't want to go alone and she doesn't want to be gone so long so far away. So I have called the father this morning and he was not happy threatened to take me back to court and so on but I feel better she feels better and I feel like if he really cared he would do more than try to see her when his new wife has to come and get her kids. He would call. He can call her anytime but he goes months without calling so again thanks for all the help but I guess it worked out on its own!
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A
male
reader, LazyGuy +, writes (25 June 2008):
He has not helped at all? Were you entitled to child support? If he doesn't pay that aren't there legal consequences to this in the USA?
Why does your son no longer want to see him?
Why do you think he may kidnap her?
More seems to be going on then you have told us and that makes me worried.
If there are danger signs then to bad what your daughter wants, you are her parent not her friend and need to do what is best for her long term.
If he hasn't paid his child support doesn't that mean he basically looses his rights as a parent if not legally then at least morally?
Be very careful, fathers like that will then often try to buy their childs affection, use the money that should go to boring things like clothes and school and medical bills to buy presents. You will become the boring mom who never does anything and he the sugar daddy.
Is the son his? Then why isn't he asking to see him? A father who doesn't want to see an adult son (or did something so the son doesn't want to see him ever again) but wants to see his daughter without actually having ever done anything for her.
I just don't like what I am thinking right now.
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A
female
reader, SugarCookie +, writes (25 June 2008):
I think that you need to find out exactly where she will be. Make a plan that she calls you every night to say good night and to make sure that she is ok. It is normal to get worried when your baby is so far away. I think she will be fine but I think hearing from her everyday would be good for you to keep you calm. Maybe get her a kids cell phone so she can call you at anytime that she thinks she needs you. They aren't that much and they only can call I think three people who are programed and 911 so that might really help you. Talk to your ex and say that you want to talk to her everyday because it is weird being apart from her and he should let her if he cares. Also you dont have to tell your ex about the cell if you dont want to. I really hope this helps!
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (25 June 2008):
You'll need to get the details arranged in detail. He's married with someone who has 3 kids. It doesn't sound as if he'd be a threat, or a flight risk.
I feel as you should let her go for the month. Children need quality time with both parents. It's hard to separate, having children. I's harder for the child to be part of that as well. What's even worse is when parents withhold parenting time from the other parent. Just because you're no longer together in a relationship, doesn't excuse both of you from the commitment you having in working together to assure your daughter grows with a lower level of traumatic affect.
It may also be good for you, in learning that it's okay for him to take care of her part of the time.
I do have to ask this. Have you established custody and visitation in court? I ask this, because of the "just in case factor." Having custody established sets the child's state of residence. It establishes your state as having jurisdiction over all matters concerning your daughter.
Prior to his visit, draw up an agreement which he needs to sign before taking her. It needs to state the date picked up and the date and time returned. It also needs to state, for example, you go to pick her up, and it was the agreement he returns her, what would suitable compensation be to reimburse you for expenses.
I'm not saying something will happen. But you're preparing for anything that may happen which wasn't planned, but may change plans. Such as, a vehicle break down, etc.
I've been there. I had to wire my daughters mom $200 for a new starter, so she could complete her trip in returning my daughter after her visit.
I don't see anything bad happening, but plans need to be done for the unplanned, just to make sure all your bases are covered.
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (25 June 2008):
You'll need to get the details arranged in detail. He's married with someone who has 3 kids. It doesn't sound as if he'd be a threat, or a flight risk.
I feel as you should let her go for the month. Children need quality time with both parents. It's hard to separate, having children. I's harder for the child to be part of that as well. What's even worse is when parents withhold parenting time from the other parent. Just because you're no longer together in a relationship, doesn't excuse both of you from the commitment you having in working together to assure your daughter grows with a lower level of traumatic affect.
It may also be good for you, in learning that it's okay for him to take care of her part of the time.
I do have to ask this. Have you established custody and visitation in court? I ask this, because of the "just in case factor." Having custody established sets the child's state of residence. It establishes your state as having jurisdiction over all matters concerning your daughter.
Prior to his visit, draw up an agreement which he needs to sign before taking her. It needs to state the date picked up and the date and time returned. It also needs to state, for example, you go to pick her up, and it was the agreement he returns her, what would suitable compensation be to reimburse you for expenses.
I'm not saying something will happen. But you're preparing for anything that may happen which wasn't planned, but may change plans. Such as, a vehicle break down, etc.
I've been there. I had to wire my daughters mom $200 for a new starter, so she could complete her trip in returning my daughter after her visit.
I don't see anything bad happening, but plans need to be done for the unplanned, just to make sure all your bases are covered.
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (25 June 2008):
You'll need to get the details arranged in detail. He's married with someone who has 3 kids. It doesn't sound as if he'd be a threat, or a flight risk.
I feel as you should let her go for the month. Children need quality time with both parents. It's hard to separate, having children. I's harder for the child to be part of that as well. What's even worse is when parents withhold parenting time from the other parent. Just because you're no longer together in a relationship, doesn't excuse both of you from the commitment you having in working together to assure your daughter grows with a lower level of traumatic affect.
It may also be good for you, in learning that it's okay for him to take care of her part of the time.
I do have to ask this. Have you established custody and visitation in court? I ask this, because of the "just in case factor." Having custody established sets the child's state of residence. It establishes your state as having jurisdiction over all matters concerning your daughter.
Prior to his visit, draw up an agreement which he needs to sign before taking her. It needs to state the date picked up and the date and time returned. It also needs to state, for example, you go to pick her up, and it was the agreement he returns her, what would suitable compensation be to reimburse you for expenses.
I'm not saying something will happen. But you're preparing for anything that may happen which wasn't planned, but may change plans. Such as, a vehicle break down, etc.
I've been there. I had to wire my daughters mom $200 for a new starter, so she could complete her trip in returning my daughter after her visit.
I don't see anything bad happening, but plans need to be done for the unplanned, just to make sure all your bases are covered.
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A
female
reader, dearkelja +, writes (25 June 2008):
 This is a tricky question. On the outside, it looks as if your daughter's father wants to start participating in her life after a period of fathering on the sidelines. A month is a long time for a 7 year old to be placed in circumstances she is not familiar with. In this case, I would be inclined to say, no longer than a week with her dad. Has she been to his house? What will be her supervision? What are the other kids like, ages, temperment? Will she have a room of her own, share a room? You are really the primary caregiver for her and I don't think it would be out of line for you to ask anything about what her situation will be like. If you can, I would even suggest going down to Colorado to drop her off so you can see first hand the situation. As far as him taking off with her, he could do that on a one day visitation. If he is sincere about wanting to build a relationship with her, you should allow that as it will only benefit your daughter down the road. Why doesn't your son want to go visit him? Any chance you could convince him to accompany your daughter on this trip?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 June 2008): In my shoes, I'd probably keep her with me, because I don't think I could face the fear of loosing someone I love.
However, you do love her. You do care about her and the saying goes if you truly love and care for someone, you'll try and make them happy - at the very least. Your daughter wants to go. She is his daughter as well. I think you should talk to your ex-husband about it, stating your fears as a human, but also state what you are willing to do.
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