A
female
age
41-50,
*upid lover
writes:A man that I have been seeing for over 3 months has just gone overseas for between 6-9 months. The night that I met him he told me that he was going away in March so I have known the whole time that we have been seeing each other that he was going. Things started to get quite serious with us. I met his family and friends and we spent a lot of time together. The trip was planned for a long time with his best friend but someone said to me the other day that if a guy loves you that he wouldn't want to go away. "If he loves you he will want to be with you all of the time".......they were her words exactly (she is 60 years old btw). He has been gone away for a week and I'm starting to feel angry and frustrated at him especially after receiving an email from him today about him sitting up and playing guitar all night in Argentina somewhere til 6 in the morning. Grow up (he's 30 and has travelled overseas A LOT in the past)! I understand that he is touching base with me because he cares but this whole situation feels like something I would have gone through in my early 20s (I am 29 btw). So, do you think that if this man loved me he would leave to go and backpack for up to 9 months? Any thoughts would be much appreciated, from men in particular. Thank you.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2011): Don't cofuse need with love. When you love someone distance is not an issue nothing at all is an issue.Love is not about you is how you make the other feel. His happiness is your own there is no egoistic thoughts. I am in a similar situation I met an incredible person and he had to go live far away. I don't know how long he will be out but one thing I do know and it is that I've never met anyone like him before. We keep in touch and are really good friends we have never kissed or had any intimacy. We talked for about 5 months.He is like my mirror and yes I feel love for him.I am not in a rush I can wait for him. In the meantime Ill show him through actions and little details that he is special to me.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2011): Don't confuse need with love. When you love someone distance is not an issue nothing at all is an issue.Love is not about you is how you make the other feel. His happiness is your own there is no egoistic thoughts. I am in a similar situation I met an incredible person and he had to go live far away. I don't know how long he will be out but one thing I do know and it is that I've never met anyone like him before. We keep in touch and are really good friends we have never kissed or had any intimacy. We talked for about 5 months.He is like my mirror and yes I feel love for him.I am not in a rush I can wait for him. In the meantime Ill show him through actions and little details that he is special to me.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 March 2011): When you met this man he had already planned what he was going to do for the next 6-9 months and I am sure that nothing, not even you, could change those plans.
He is living his life to the fullest, and you are sitting at home seething with anger... grow up - you have only know him 3 MONTHS!!
If you are so into him, then wait patiently until he gets home, and if he still feels the same way - great! But I would suggest you go on with life and stop being so insecure and bitter.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (23 March 2011):
 I agree with CaringGuy...
the fact that he's in touch with you says a lot as well.
Let him go do his thing... do not cling or bug him.
If you miss him write long journal entries... but do not share with him... He had these plans.... he was open and honest and up front about it... you agreed to it (not that you really had much choice)
6-9 months is nothing...
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A
female
reader, Battista  +, writes (23 March 2011):
I think telling him to grow up is unfair, and also unwarranted. Just because you do not feel the same way about what he's up to there's no need be insulting about it. People can choose to go travelling whenever is the right time to for them- age is irrelevant really. From my POV you get the "bug" and it can be addictive. I also think travelling is a really enriching life experience in all sorts of ways. He must have been planning this trip for a long time, and as you say you have known about it since you met.To be honest, I can understand why you feel the way you do- I think it's pretty natural, and I would probably feel similar. However, I also think it's a bit irrational, and it's really not fair for you to be annoyed with him about the trip. As Caring Guy has said, you've only been together for a few months- you can't realistically expect him to cancel the trip on that sort of basis. Trips away, in my experience, are also part of a mature relationship. My sister's BF is off to Italy for a year as part of his uni course; they've been together for fours years now, and are completely in love with each other. However, they both realise that it would be completely wrong for him not to take this opportunity to go abroad, even though they are in a long term relationship. My sister would never expect him to give things up for her on that sort of scale; yes they are in a relationship but they also appreciate that travel and being apart are sometimes a part of that. It doesn't meant that they love each other any less.If it was that big a deal, did you not think about going with him?
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (23 March 2011):
I think you've overreacted to this, and whilst I respect that 60 year old woman's thoughts, they don't quite ring true in this situation. At all.
You have been dating a guy for just 3 months - that's really short, and realistically not enough time for true love to develop (that takes years). He so clearly cares about you - hence why you've met his family, hence the emails, hence the time you spend together.
You can't seriously expect a man who has been dating a woman for 3 months to suddenly cancel a trip that he's planned for a long time. That's a little bit clingy, and a little bit like the behaviour of a drama queen to be honest. If a woman said to me after 3 months "if you loved me you'd cancel the plans you made ages ago with your best friend and stay here and not travel" - well, I'd suspect that for the rest of my life I was just going to spend my time doing as she told me, rather than things as a couple.
You knew very well that he was going away. If you didn't like that, then you shouldn't have dated him. You can't date a man for 3 months then suddenly expect him to change all his plans that have been planned for longer that you've been there. And to really say that he needs to grow up because he's been playing the guitar - well, again that's a bit much since you probably knew he played the guitar.
I think you've overrated, and I don't think this man has done anything wrong at all. I think he cares for you very much, and I think he has proven that. But you can't expect a man to drop all his plans for you inside 3 months of dating. That's far too much, far too soon.
He hasn't stepped a single foot out of line, and has played it totally straight. The real question is why is it that after just 3 months, you are trying to change him, and you are panicked and angered by his perfectly normal behaviour. That's not a good sign on your part. It shows up up as very insecure and unrealistic.
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