A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend wont ever make plans which is starting roughs between us. He also tells me he loves me, wants to spend the rest of his life with me yet doesn't show his love very well in his actions. Eg he was going away skiing and didn't have time to see me the day before cos he was goin out for a few drinks with the guy he was going away with. Eg he is not interested in coming pickin me up, always wants me to go into his house. Eg he makes plans with friends because they are more exciting than being with me. Eg he puts me down saying he could throw me over a cliff and jokes about it.I believe he does love me but i don't feel i should have to point things out that he should be saying or doing to prove he loves me - should these things not come natural to him? What can I do?
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2007): He sounds a lot like my younger sister and how she has always treated me, and I am here to tell you it won't change....he is probably a passive agressive personality, which means that when you do things like try to make plans to do something, instead of coming out and telling you what he would like to do, or agreeing to it, he will fart around all day, while you are waiting on him to make a decision, make a plan, follow through on what you thought you agreed upon, etc....You on the other hand like to point out things to him that he is doing wrong, which really makes him even more resistant to you and even more passive agressive......
It is very hard to change a pattern like this or a person who relates to others in this way, no amount of telling him what you would like, what you expect, how you feel is going to change his basic pattern of relating with you....he may profess his love, but if he is incapable of having the healthy, mature, honest relationship that you need and want, then this relationship is not healthy for you and your best bet is to end it, as you will become increasingly depressed, hurt and feel misunderstood,
After years of putting up with my sister and her treatnent me, I finally don't have anything to do with her, or as little as possible....it broke my heart, but I was completely worn out trying to get my sister to like me let alone love and respect me. She is married with a family and she often treats her husband the same way she treats me, but he has the advantage of being the bread winner, and his word goes whether she likes it or not sometimes....she has twins, a boy and a girl, and her relationship with her girl is not good either.....my sister doesn't understand what she does is dysfunctional, she was spoiled as a child and she does not know any better nor does she want to change.....
If you see your boyfriend in any of this, I hope it was helpful, if not, never mind, LOL!
A
female
reader, dragonette  +, writes (19 March 2007):
 Okay, let's assume that he naturally would know how how much time together means to you. If he knew and didn't live up to your expectations, it would lead me to ask why you're still with someone who treats you like that?
No, I think that a much better approach is to tell him how you feel about him never having time for you and then see if he makes any changes in his behavior. If he doesn't you can draw your own conclusions.
Good luck!
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