A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I miss my ex so badly it feels like a physical ache in my chest. I feel deep regret that I let him go. I've never felt that much for anyone, or felt that comfortable and "myself" with anyone. I feel so sad I've let him down. I know he did things that made me unhappy and sad and I know I did things wrong as well. But I'd do anything to change my insecurities and to be the woman he fell in love with. We split mutually and agreed it was for the best. But when I see him I can tell he still has feelings, and I've realized I do too... I decided I had to split with him when I was away travelling because I decided I wanted to travel and he didn't seem that keen. And when I was away I felt like I would be ok and able to move on. But seeing him again made me feel everything I used to feel with him, and made me feel like I am a fool for letting him go and not fighting. But it seemed like he felt it was time to end it and when I tried to say sorry he was very matter of fact, like you will get over me and meet someone else. And he seems to be happy and moving on with life. I have been as well, like I feel more myself and realizing that my happiness doesn't and shouldn't depend on someone else. But I have no interest in any other man. I don't know how I ever will. It's been 3 months. We were together 3 and a half years. Do you think there is any chance of getting back together? What should I do? Should I talk to him? Or just carry on and hope he comes back into my life? Should I move on? I feel ok most of the time, but today seeing another ex made me realize how close I actually was to my last ex and how much he really meant to me. But I am not sure... if he loved me back, why would he have let me go? Maybe I am looking back with rose tinteds. How do you know it was real?
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 March 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOk. He is older than me, so its not that we met young and are not ready for forever. It's not that he wasn't important enough to stay in my life, I love him deeply and cannot bare the thought of losing touch with him in life. Life is way too short to lose touch with someone you care about, even if you can't be lovers, like before. I pray we can stay in touch somehow.
I didn't just leave him because I want to travel. It was more that travelling made me realize I needed to work on my personality because I'd been too focused on our relationship for my happiness and had given too much to it, instead of living my own life. Plus I was not confident enough to communicate my needs in the relationship. Because he was older, he was fairly dominant in the relationship and I felt I needed to break free of that to grow a backbone and stand up for myself. That was not purely to do with him, but learned behaviour from past relationships. It was not that I didn't love him and it took a long, long time to decide to do it.
But now I look back I wonder if I could have dealt with things differently. Yes we had different goals sometimes, but other times we had the same goals. Goals, plans and dreams in life are fluid and change all the time. Maybe we could have come to a place where we could be together long term.
I guess I know I have felt similar to this before about 1 guy and I was devastated after but got through it and feelings changed. I guess I am disappointed because I thought he was the one.
And about the travel thing, after we broke up he told me he wanted to move to another country, on of the places I went to visit and the another time said he wants to go on holiday and wanted to ask my advice. I know these are just empty thoughts prompted by my leaving.
I just miss his energy and sense of humour and childishness and everything. I just hope and pray, that if we are really over and just not meant to be, that I find someone half as wonderful as him, but who will really want to be with me and share my life. Fingers crossed, eh?
A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 March 2012): You let him go, you wanted to go travelling and he wasn't keen, so you made your choice and he lost.To him he wasn't important enough to stay in your life.You wanted different things and he knew that.
When you were away you could focus on the excitement of your travels, so he wasn't in your mind. Now your back and you have to deal with the emotions of a break up.
He on the other hand has had 3 months to get over it and move on.He probably is fond of you and seeing you would be a shock when you haven't been around.
Give it time, you will feel less and less for him and when your ready, will meet a new man.It was real at the time, now its over.You could see if he's interested but I think your time as a couple has passed.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 March 2012): If you were together for three plus years, 3 months is not long enough to get over the phantom limb pain if losing the "relationship". Its the relationship you miss, not just him. You met at a very young age, being together was mostly about fun and security and orgasms and habit. You found in time you both have different goals. Don't second guess yourself for breaking up. You had your reasons, least of which is you are both to immature to be in a committed forever relationship and that is alright. No one did anyone wrong here. Don't beat a dead horse. Move on. If it was meant to be, once that happens you will find your way back to each other.
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A
male
reader, Kyle007  +, writes (23 March 2012):
The following is not direct advice but more simple things to consider to help you resolve things yourself:
Did you have any goals beyond just being a couple?
Do you intend to travel more? This was the initial deal-breaker for you. Will it still be an issue if you get back together?
Direct answers:
"if he loved me back, why would he have let me go?"
Because you let him go first.
"How do you know it was real?"
It was real as long as you had the agreement to be a couple. Relationships are abstract things, not an objective reality.
As far as what you should do about all this, I can't reach into your heart to feel what you feel, and I can't reach into his either.
If you need to make one last stab at it to get some closure, then do so. If he is interested in reconciling, then you guys need to talk about your future and what you plan to do with it.
But if he has truly moved on, and he makes it clear to you (again) that its over, don't look back, and most most most importantly, do not contact him in any way shape or form ever again.
May your mending be swift.
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