A
female
age
41-50,
*oxxy1
writes:I met my man 7 months ago. A mutual friend gave him my Facebook address, he added me as a friend, and three months later he contacted me. We chatted for 8 hours the first time we spoke, which had never happened to me before, so I took it as this is going to be something promising.We met face to face after a month. Of course since it's long distance we had sexual intercourse as we just couldnt wait to get it over with.On my second visit, while he was sleeping, I decided to check my Facebook inbox and unbeknowst to me he did not log off and I had clicked on his inbox. I noticed he was keeping the line of communication open with his ex and some other girls who seemed to be in love with him. What made me mad was the fact that he was telling them he loved them or missed them and couldn't wait to see them. I confronted him and he told me there is nothing going on with those girls. Those girls have connections with some of his business partners and he tells them what they want to hear in order to keep his dealings in tact. We moved on from this and we were back to our lovey dovey ways.It wasn't until after he was gone for 3 months overseas that I realized I have developed trust issues and have become a snoopy girlfriend. One day he gave me his password to his Macy's account and I used the same password for his hotmail and voila, I found out he had not stopped talking to the girls. I kept my calm until he came back from overseas and on my visit one of the girls called him and he didn't answer. SO I flare up, angry and confused I packed my bags to go to the hotel and wanted out. He stopped me with everything he could and told me, did I see anywhere in those emails that he was sexually involved with the girls? I must admit no one was saying thanks for the sex last night but they were professing their love for him and how much they miss him. I told him to explain this and he told me these girls are obsessed with him and he has cussed them out and done everything in his power to cut them lose but they continue to pursue him. He admitted that he messed up and he is silly to think telling them what they want to hear will help the situation. He then promised to take care of the situation. We have had numerous fights after that because I kind of want him to show me how he is taking care of the situation. I went as far of telling him to upload a picture of us on Facebook or update his status to show the world he is love with me. He refused. Everyone I confided in told me to be patient that he doesnt seem to be doing what I think he is doing. He has not been in a serious relationship in 6 years and he is still learning to get rid of his player ways. Everyone and I seem to know he is in love with me but what is taking him so long or hard to get rid of women who could possibly destroy his relationship?I should be happy that we have finally made relocation arrangements. He is sacrificing his life to move 5 hours away to come and be with me and here I am still paranoid of him hurting me. How do I move on? He has chnged his password and I have no access to know if he is still being silly with these girls. Since our fight he has been communicating more with me and making me happy but I hate how I feel when I think of him telling another woman "I luv u"
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facebook, his ex, long distance, move on, player Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 May 2011): Sounds like this guy is living in a fantasy world with these women. Does he say to you anything about being a private person and doesnt want to put his relationship status over facebook?
Why dont you create an account and add him and see what he tells you! The thing is once you have to start snooping or stalking someone then you know this relationship isnt going anywhere. If there is no trust there then its going no where. I know how hard it is when you like someone and people say you should walk away. You cant just turn your feelings off for someone unless there is hard eveidence that makes your feelings change.
Keep us updated as my situation is some what similar you yours and Im keeping my options open too.
A
female
reader, Foxxy1 +, writes (28 April 2011):
Foxxy1 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionA male reader, are you telling them you miss them because you consider them as possible options of girls to keep around if your relationship dont work or if you are out of town and need to have a quickie or two or this is strictly games that warrants no other intention? ANd is this normal for most guys to do this?:I wanted to let you guys know I created a fake facebook with a picture of a handsome random guy and added atleast 3 of those suspected side girls. I have been chatting with atleast 3 of them. One of them told me she has a boyfriend but mentioned another location so I ruled her out but the other two told me they are in a relationship with a guy in Texas which is where my BF lives. I asked if they see him at all. One claimed shes been in a relationship with him for two years but have never met him before because her schedule does not permit it but she did claim that she was very much in love with him and she is praying it works out. The other lady told me she went to college with him and dated then broke up and have been back together since 2009 and she is very much in love with him and that they talk for long hours and are planning to get married as soon as he gets his money situation together. I dont believe her cos' I think she caught on to the fact that I may know him cos' she kept telling me she thinks I may know her man.SO long story short, my belief is he is feeding these girls with lies but doesnt really have anything serious with them.At this point I am doing me and keeping my options open becuase he has opened the room for me to do that.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2011): yeah they know i have a gf, iv said i miss you to a few of them, but in reality its like this, im with my girl, im not with them. mmsg'ing back and forth is harmless
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female
reader, Foxxy1 +, writes (9 March 2011):
Foxxy1 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMale reader:Yes he does write back to some that "he misses them too or luvs them". He admits it's silly and he will stop, so he realized his mistake. Don't know if he has stopped and that is where I'm hung up on. He is forgiven but I can't forget... pretty much that's where we are.Just wanted to know what thrill you got from the girls saying they loved you. Did you ever think to tell them you have a girlfriend?
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 March 2011): No, you are misinterpreting the message, I never post things like I love them or miss them, they say it to me, I just talk normally to them, and to most girls they crave this. Hence why they react in the way they do. Double hence why my girlfriend would react in her way because she may think I am returninng the same type of comments and are involved with these women, which is not the case. If this man's girlfriend is posting things back to them saying he loves them and misses them, well thats a different story! Hope I cleared up my side of story, feel free to respond with anymore questions you may have.
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reader, Foxxy1 +, writes (9 March 2011):
Foxxy1 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMale Reader anonymous & AngelDelite youu guys have really cracked me up and made my day.
Male Reader Anonymous why do you tell these women what they want to hear. It's childish and even my bf confirmed its a silly mistake of his and he has been doing it for years not thinking anything of it. I believe you should feel that it does mean sqat then.
Anyhoo I hear what all have said. My bf is still trying to move down here but not with me. I am just taking it easy. I don't want to act like im not listening to you all but I am and have taken notes. If walking away is the way to go I am ready. Right now Ill let the road take its cause.
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female
reader, angelDlite  +, writes (8 March 2011):
 male anon:
hello and it is good to have a male perspective on this, you must be thinking us girls are having a bit of a man hating party here?
may i ask, when you are messaging the girls that you know do you tell them that you 'love and can't wait to see them' and have them say they 'love and miss you'? and what happened when your girlfriend got upset? what did you do to rectify the situation and make her feel better and more secure?
i mean, if foxxy's boyfriend was here talking about the relationship from his angle in that he has a girl who doesn't trust him because of what she has seen on his FB wall, what would you say to him? having been in his situation yourself?
foxxy DID trust him, which is precisley why she slept with him on the first date and has committed herself to wanting to marry him, but unfortunately she has spotted (in my opinion) warning signs. she is wise to not ignore these and she owes it to herself to be very vigillent.
does your girlfriend have men on her facebook that say they love and miss her and she says it back? how would you feel if she did? also it is lovely to trust someone, but once that trust has been broken or at least compromised, it is not really sufficient for you to say to her simply 'trust him'. if you are asking her to 'trust him' how do you propose she goes about this?
please tell me coz anon, coz if you have cracked this i think you may well have found something akin to the 'holy grail', at least in relationship terms
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 March 2011): first and for most, I AM THE MAN YOU SPEAK OF, i am this man. Let me tell you, facebook is NOTHING, it means absolutly squat. We use these girls for buisness or watever buisness he is involved (ur bf), i do the same thing, i tell them what they want to hear, but I AM NOT SEXUAL OR EMOTIONALY INVOLVED WITH THESE WOMEN, NOR DO I MEET THEM AS FREINDS OR AS LOVERS. please undersand this, please do not listen to other women as they are not in MY position and have my PERCEPTION on the situation from MY point of view, from the GUYS point of view. You have to trust him, listen im not saying he is not a player, he could be, but i for one know that I AM NOT A PALYER AND I LOVE MY GF. but she got upset like you did, because she did not understand the situation, please take time to make deciesions, NOT AT THE PEAK of your emotions, because you are leting emotions control you. espeically where there is no cheating or distrust going on. just think about it for a moment, think outside the box, use ur head!
trust him.
goodluck my freind i hope i helped.
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (8 March 2011):
 Uhm. Regardless of anything, I d be very wary of a guy who tells people " what they want to hear " in order to further his own interest. If this is his M.O., next time he wants something from you, he'll do it to you- he'll tell you what you want to hear, and keep going merrily about his business.
IF he is not doing it already. He " promised " you he will change , and he will put his act together, but, how would you know that this has actually happened, if he AT LEAST does not blocks these girls from his social networks and makes public his status of man in a committed relationship.
... You should trust his word ? In theory. But that would work if he had not already betrayed your trust several times. If you are suspicious in lack of any specific accident, then you are controlling and paranoid- if the accidents did happen, repeatedly, then you are not paranoid, just sensible and prudent.
A person who'd care about you would understand that, and would understand how and why in these circumstances you feel vulnerable and may need reassurance. He would not deny you this reassurance for a matter of principle that he does not want to be "controlled ".
Therefore, I'd stick to my guns about him changing his FB status and / or any other evidence you may need that he has taken care of the problem. And if he refuses again, it would be in your best interest letting him go, as much as it may hurt. Because unluckily, he could hurt you even more in future.
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female
reader, tinkercharlie +, writes (8 March 2011):
After reading what you said hes defo a player. I know exactly how you are feeling.'Hanging in there' hoping he is going to see the light and he is going to reassure you that you are the 1 and that all the things he tells you are true. You want this to work because you do have strong feelings for him. I am in the same situation, I analyze everything he says to me all his actions it drives you mad! Then there is this nagging feeling telling you its all wrong because you wouldnt be feeling like this or being suspicious of him. This guy sounds just the same as mine. He makes me feel like its all my fault, my misunderstanding, things will improve just be there for me. But at the same time are they still pursuing someone else over facebook. There is only you who can answer should you stay with him. I am the same should I hang in there or should I walk away and be with someone who cares and loves me.
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reader, angelDlite +, writes (8 March 2011):
hi
as soon as i realised my guy was bad new, but because we got on so incredibly well; the plan was to remain freinds, but as he was pushing for more and and i had feelings for him still, i thought the best thing to do was to cut him out of my life completely and i DO feel better for it. it has given me closure. i have explained my opinin to him though, not just left him dangling and not knowing because to do that is like an open invite to text, IM or ring you.
i have told him (and i hope he has done this!) to delete my numbers from his phone,so that any future calls or text i may get from him - i will feel ok to ignore as i have told him in definate terms that i don't want to talk to him again.
i know its hard and i thought that clinging on to a least friendship would be ok but it wasn't. it just kept me feeling like i was in a 'fog'. as soon as i decided never to see or speak to him again i felt like i was free of the emotional/psychological burden.
like you, i didn't see it coming. he seemed so lovely! like a soul mate (does this sound familiar to you at all??)
*i am happy to private message you and tell you my story so you may spot some similarities, just let me know if you would like me to. i do not want to tell you here because this is YOUR thread, not mine.
for you and anyone else reading this though, i will just quickly mention that when i was having my problem i had an e-book recommended to me, find it at saferelationshipsmagazine.com its $14 but in my opinion is worth it. is called 'women who love psychopaths' by sandra L brown. i know you are probably thinking the same as i thought before i read this in that psychopaths are all axe wielding maniacs - not so! they can look normal and act even nicer than normal, but they do things that decent people would feel guilty for. in the psychopath their only concern is getting caught.
xx
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female
reader, Foxxy1 +, writes (8 March 2011):
Foxxy1 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks all. I blocked all inbound calls to my phone today, deaactivated my fb for a while because I dont want to be tempted to see his pics or browse through his page which have become a normal routine and I also kept eveyone on my yahoo messenger on unavailable mode. I need to clear my head in this process to deal with what Im going through. I don't know how this is going to end but I will keep you all posted. I will say if we do break up, its gonna be hard to trust again. I gave this relationship of 7mths the best I have ever given to anyone in my life. I have always made good judgement and decisions and my friends have always look up to me for good advice. Cant believe this is happening to me. I am in tears as I write. I didnt see this one coming. It happens to the best of us but it showed me another insight into the game people play.AngelDlite since you were in a similar situation, can you tell me what you did eventually with this type of guy. Are they worth giving second chances? Did you just stop talking to him or you let go with a fight?
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reader, angelDlite +, writes (7 March 2011):
there seems to be nothing i can say to you foxxy coz you seem very aware already of what is going on but you are trying to convince yourself that you have got it all wrong.
have you tried making friends with these girls or at least looking on their walls for clues about him, or you could make a bogus profile for yourself using the photo of a very attractive girl, add him as a friend and see does he take the bait or not, but what if he does? - what then? how much proof do you need to be able to admit that this time, with this man, it seems like you have got it wrong.
the ideas you have for making him more attentive by treating him a bit mean don't sound very good to be honest and you run the risk of losing him to someone more attentive, or it could work, maybe he is so twisted that the 'treat him mean keep him keen' tactic might just work but are you willing to do that for the rest of your life with him? and then the minute you relax enough to be your same sweet self towards him he is gonna be messing around again. a serious relationship that is leading to marriage should not need games and gimmicks like this to make it work.
i really hope for your sake that i am wrong about him and like i said earlier i am sorry that i cannot give you a nice and positive message to help you to feel better.
best wishes
xx
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female
reader, Foxxy1 +, writes (7 March 2011):
Foxxy1 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWhat should I do to prove my point to me. I don't want to leave him. I believe in him and belive this will work but it needs time. I just dont know how to deal with it anymore. SHould I ask for a break? I've attempted leaving and dont want to use that anymore cos' he already knows he got me and im not going no where. Should I start being mean on the phone? Cutting the conversation short? Start seeing other people? Please somebody help me cos' Im losing it but dont want to lose him.
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reader, angelDlite +, writes (7 March 2011):
he is not gonna get very far in his professional life if he is flirting with 'colleagues' to the extent where they send him messages that say they love and miss him.
your friends need to put their selves in your shoes and have a bit more understanding. i wonder if they would tolerate this sort of behaviour from their men.
yes its kinda naughty and wrong to snoop but sometimes (like now) it pays off and you have uncovered something that you wouldn't know about if you hadn't gone looking.
you KNOW the answers to your own questions, you can either act upon them now or a few years down the line when you have caught him physically cheat on you, by which time you might have kids and property with him.
when you have confronted him about his facebook friends he has done nothing to dispel your fears - he has done the opposite by having a go at you and promptly changing his password.
believe me i get no enjoyment whatsoever about saying these things to you coz i know this is a horrible awful feeling - i wish that everyone in the world was trust worthy and didn't lie or cheat, but unfortunately the world isn't like that
xx
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female
reader, Foxxy1 +, writes (7 March 2011):
Foxxy1 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMy thought exactly. I have given him suggestions like he need to block these girls on fb, post our picture together on fb or update his status to read "I love my woman". "His response why are you dictating to me or controlling me. I blocked some girls before aand they still managed to find my contact. I'm trying and working on it. Please just love me and be strong for me"How do I get him to prove to me that this is not still going on. Especially when some of these girls assist him with his business internationally. Yes forgot to tell you most of the girls are overseas. I don't want to keep bringing the issue up when we are making progress. Should I be patient and trust that he loves me and is really trying. He is still chasing dream and trying to be stable financially. This is another issue we both are dealing with and its taking a toll on me. The least he can do for me is reassure me of trusting him. Im not been pampered or spoilt so i dont even feel special or loved despite for him calling and talking to me about how much he loves me and wants to marry me, i dont think he is playing the role of a boyfriend correctly.Friends tell me not to talk about it anymore because i should be lucky he didnt kick me to the curb for snooping into his privacy and no one wants an insecured woman; but I feel the need to know im not been played by this man
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2011): If he really wanted rid of these girls he could block them from his Facebook. I would think long and hard before committing to such a man. Especially as he changed his password, presumably to keep you out.
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female
reader, angelDlite +, writes (7 March 2011):
hi
i am sorry to hear you are going through this and i know exactly how you feel coz i have been through very similar very recently!
i do not like the sound of this guy at all. 'still trying to get rid of his player ways' planning to move to be near you but won't even put a photo of you both on FB or update his relationship status, and all the girls that love and miss him - these are big warning signs to me and i know that they are to you too - lets not ignore them.
talking on the phone for the first time for 8 hours (that beats my 5 hour record by the way! - makes you feel that there is something really special going on doesn't it? - but look at the reality of this - it was the first time you spoke so REALLY in spite of what he may have been saying to you for those 8 hours the chances of him actually feeling really attached to you are slim to non-existent)
he sounds to me (very much like someone i know) to have what we call 'the gift of the gab' and he has got you and all these other girls thinking he is absolutely great and lovable. realistically, everyone has people of the opposite sex on their friends list BUT the context of these messages is WAY over the top and tells me he cannot be trusted.
you won't be able to snoop now that he has changed his password but i would bet my house that he is still communicating with these girls. he tells you he has done 'everything in his power' to cut communication with them? has he not thought about erm.. blocking them on facebook??
please don't be fooled by him. i am sorry i cannot give you any positive words of advice hun. your instincts and your own EYESIGHT are not wrong but he is trying to convince you that you are wrong, this technique is called 'gas lighting' - google it. he is not worthy of you
xx
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female
reader, tinkercharlie +, writes (7 March 2011):
He still sounds like he has his players ways still there! Why does he still contact these girls and why would they say they love him. Girls dont say they love someone unless they mean it. I think you are always going to be paranoid and suspicious of him because you cant trust him.
If he had nothing to hide why has he changed his password?
I have a similar situation, my boyfriend adds girls every night on facebook and we met over there. I always wonder if he is doing the same and I am always suspicious about him. Even though he has being doing the same more contact and keeping in touch more and telling me all the right things. If he is moving in with you then that is a huge commitment, so he maybe is changing his ways. Good luck and I hope this works out.
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reader, Foxxy1 +, writes (7 March 2011):
Foxxy1 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIt's my first time here and Im glad my question got posted real quick unlike other sites I tried. I wanted to add that on top of my issues with my man and other women in question, he is currently going through financial difficulties. He does not have his job anymore but still working on his side business. He keeps telling me he is everything is gonna be alright and he promise he will be the boyfriend I want him to be. Obviously he is acknowledging the fact that he knows his shortcomings is affecting the relationship. I dont want to quit because of this cos' I believe he will get it together soon but like I sid before it doesn't help that I dont trust him a 100% with women then I have to deal with the fact that he cant do special things for me than TALKS in his present situation. I am worn out and just dont know what to do. If I havent seen those fb message maybe I will be more considerate but the negative thoughts are killing me. For example right now his phone had been turned off since 9pm and its 2am. This has never happened before.
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reader, GeeGee255 +, writes (7 March 2011):
 This man is not trust worthy, yes it sounds good that he is planning to move closer to you, but why would he not want anyone on facebook to know that you too are together? Unless he plans to continue talking with the other women.
If you do go forward with him, I hope you are planning for him to get his own place near you, and not move in with you right away. I think it would be best if you got to know him better and see if you can really trust him before you let him move in with you. Or you'll never be able to get rid of him if it turns out badly.
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