A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have been with my husband for 8 1/2 yrs now, married for nearly 5 and have 2 beautiful children together. My problem is over 2 yrs ago my husband started an affair which lasted for several months. During this time he never admitted that he had the affair and I ended up staying with him and having our second child. I thought I could be strong and put this all behind me but I get constant reminders of this awful time we went through and can't seem to get the trust back even though he hasn't given me any reason not to trust him again. I've always been told that if he cannot admit to cheating (and I know for sure now he was in a sexual relationship with this woman)then he shows no remorse.Does this mean he can't or won't change? I feel ok sometimes but then the smallest thing happens, even hearing a song and I'm straight back to square 1 wondering where this relationship is going. Any constructive advice please?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 March 2010): Sigh...Female Anon leave our stm alone.He is not a bully.Keep wondering.Not everyone in the world should have the same opinion as you.Grow up.
A
female
reader, SEBEDA  +, writes (12 March 2010):
I was a mistress. And i didn't look for a married man our attraction started at work. he flirted with me and i flirted with him.we had a sexual relationship with me. He said he couldn't do this anymore but he came back to me then our relationship grew stronger.His wife found out when someone at the office or co worker hacked his lap top.They sent emails to his wife that he and i wrote. He denied the affair and said i was just a friend.He told me that his wife wanted him to promise that he would never text nor write me.Months went by and he started to search for me on the web and ended up calling the wrong person with my same name.I called him and told him i did miss him and he wanted us to go for coffee we ended seeing each other again.Then months after a secretary. Asked him what was he doing for the holiday and she knew he was married with children, he replied and then she asked him was he going to see his girlfriend.He didn't reply but she told him all the text can be read from his statement of his company phone.He told me we couldn't see each other again.I was hurt. However a year went buy i text him to say happy birthday and he replied back saying thank you. then he called i didn't answer he left me a message i owe him a phone call. I called and he told me he was searching for me again.We started seeing each other again because i did love this man and yes he told me he had loved me at one point in our relationship.He ended up again getting caught again his wife found out i was calling him again. He sent me email not to call or text him because she was watching his phone calls.He still never told her about our relationship and our sexual relationship.He wont change because he all ways ended up missing me and holding on to memories and if he can't admit to his wife that he's been having an affair with the same woman for years, no. he wont change.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 September 2009): To SMT:
i think what you are advising is turn a blind eye to her husbands affair. SMT , you seem so convincing, but doesn't take a genious to realise that you have some sort of vested interest to condone affairs. you always post that there are reasons for affairs and that the spouses , even children, need to be UNDERSTANDING of the affair.
WHY?? I am always baffled by your posts and why you always seem to condone marital infidelity??
I am not picking a fight with you but i am just wondering?
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A
male
reader, softtouchmale2003 +, writes (3 September 2009):
 Its hard to accurately gauge the dynamic with kids involved. Parents want to keep a stable home environment going, and so there's going to be an incentive for him to stay in the marriage and finish raising the kids.
I think you are correct that he does love his son and learned a lesson from his daughter. That is he doesn't want to lose the bond with his children.
I think counseling is probably the best thing for both of you.
The only thing that concerns me is the issue of what's simmering underneath all of this. Its hard to raise children when there's an emotional conflict going on between the parents, even if the children don't see that "conflict", they can sense it.
As far as the flirting. Men and women flirt. Its a habit for some. The thing to do here is that you don't want to assume he will cheat again. The more you assume that the more likely he might want to do that again. I think what you do want to do is spend some time working on the reasons why he does what he does, and what he can do to iron out your insecurities.
That's kind of hard with a guy that won't admit to what he did in the first place.
I think you should thank the other woman for ending the affair. You shouldn't have to sell your house and move just because she's nearby. She wasn't the problem in your relationship and its likely she will never see your husband again.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 September 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionLiving the nightmare I am! Thank you for your positive answer. As we still live close to the "other woman" then it is a constant reminder, we have tried selling our house but in the current market we have struggled so we are now staying put.
I think the main reason I am obsessing about this is because my husband was the last person you would have expected to have an affair he was always so devoted to me and the family life. I feel that there are other things in the past he has not been honest about. He is a compulsive liar but not necessarily all bad lies, he always tries to make everyone happy and usually backfires as his lies come to the surface.
I feel like I'm just waiting for him to cheat again as he's playing happy families now but he is a natural flirt and I have been told endless times that he'll flirt with anyone he comes into contact with, all it would take is for someone else to start giving him a bit of attention and massaging his ego and we'd be straight back in the same situation.
Also as you said he chose me over her, the other woman finished it with him, he was ready to leave me for her but was hesitating because of our son, he has a little girl from a previous relationship and hates the fact that their relationship/bond isn’t as strong as what it could be because she doesn’t live with him. The other woman obviously saw sense and made the cut. I feel our children are the main reason we are together now as we want to be good parents to our children by giving them a stable family environment but surely we both have to be happy to do this?
Do you think personal counselling for me would help or would marriage counselling be more beneficial?
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A
male
reader, softtouchmale2003 +, writes (2 September 2009):
He may never want to admit to his philandering. It may have been a one-time thing, and something that he personally regrets.
Perhaps he knows you well enough that if he did admit to it, you would never let him forget it and thereby fail to put it behind both of you.
Making and admission of infidelity is difficult for either spouse. It requires trust building on both sides; it also requires changes in attitudes and behavior.
It seems you have doubts, and they remain unresolved. You need to look at what's making you unhappy first and identify those areas. Then address them with your husband.
Maybe he will never admit it to you, but if he is not cheating on you now and has no intention of ever cheating on you in the future, then he maybe can show you that he changed without going back in time and reliving a mistake.
I know its hard to demand honesty from him, to this extent. But if you can forgive and bury the hatchet, even if he's unwilling to admit to it; the two of you can continue forward together.
But if you obsess over his infidelity too much, he will sense it every day and it will turn your marriage into a nightmare. I think from what you've said he is actually trying to be there for you.
Remember this much. After all is said and done, he chose to stay with you. Not the other woman. Because of this, you need to resolve this one in your favor. If not, then you will give him an excuse to find the door. I don't think that's what you want.
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