A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi everyone.I have been dating a married man for almost a year and a half. He does have genuine feelings for me and we have great sex and chemistry and a good friendship.He is comfortable with his wife and not leaving. I am not totally okay with this but I have accepted it. He and I are exclusive and have been all along. He approached the subject with me about a month into our relationship.Problem is the longer we are together, the more worried I am getting that he will be unfaithful to me. Because our relationship is progressing into something more than just the sex it was in the beginning. And because I am becoming more invested and my feelings are so deep. I have become more afraid now of getting truly hurt as the veil of the fantasy of it all is finally starting to lift. He says he is more comfortable with me and calls me his closest friend but he also says I am fun and exciting and that we still have magic together. And he is right. The sex is still raw and passionate. And he spends as much time with me as he can, and we talk and laugh and connect on other levels besides sex. Clearly we have become emotionally involved too.I worry that since he isn't leaving his wife and not committing to me in a real, honest and open relationship that once my newness and excitement wears off he will move onto the next willing conquest who lights his fire again. Like I do now and did from the start. I really turned his head and our connection is unbelievable. Was from day one. In fact, it was him who noticed me well before I ever showed him any interest.But my trust issues are coming up a lot lately and as much as I want to, I am always questioning things he does, says, where he has been, what he has been doing. I feel jealous and insecure even though I am a very attractive and confident woman who does have the total package. I want to trust him but I am afraid I just cannot. And I am making myself worry and I am constantly paranoid and emotionally unstable with anxiety and worry that he is going to do it to me or is already. Even though deep down I do not think so or believe it, the worry will always be there. And it is slowly eating my up inside. I do not want to walk away. I love him now. But I just want to know am I a sitting duck until the next woman comes along who excites him enough to leave me in the dust?Him leaving me for another is my worst nightmare.I have told him my worries and he is always trying to reassure me he is not interested in anyone else and would never do anything to ruin what we have or cause him to lose me. He says he isn't looking. Has everything he wants and needs with me.I want to believe him but he is cheating with me so his integrity is already shot. It has been from day one.How do I trust him? How do I let go and trust my heart in his hands? I feel like I am dancing with a dragon, hoping the dragon does not burn me. Doing my best to keep the dance going and not ending up on the discarded fantasy girl trash heap.How much is paranoia? How much is real worry?I know that walking away now would maybe save me future misery but I could be also be walking away from somebody who would never do that to me and maybe one day our relationship could become official?Is every man who cheats the same? Are they all operating under the same MO? How do you keep yourself happy in this relationship by giving your trust to someone who is cheating on their wife? At first, I overlooked it when I was in the affair fog phase but reality has this ugly way of creeping in while you so desperately want to hang onto that fantasy.... clinging to it for dear life.I could use some non judgemental advice from everyone.Thank you.
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affair, insecure, jealous, married man, move on Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, DoubleM  +, writes (25 October 2014):
 Very likely
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 October 2014): Most afair cases are similar but not all of them. In your situation you should ask yourself,is that all you want? He is obviously won't leave his wife and by reading your post to me he is a player. I have been in this situation myself. I was married and not very happy with my ex. It started when my old friend who has been in love with me for years found me after 12 years. We started talking and he stopped sleeping with his wife after 1 month. After 1.5 year we both are divorced and ready to get married soon. It was the hardest experience in my life which I would not recommend to anyone who is in the same situation. My relationship with my ex wasnt so good but it was ok. I had peace of mind which I dont have it anymore. At the end it doesn't worth it. Thats my feeling right now it may change in future? who knows! I am still in LDR with my new guy and I have not had a experience of living with him yet but nothing has left for me no happiness no peace of mind no emotion!So eventhough this guy is deeply in love with me. He has done alot to be with me, he can giveup his life for me but I still think it doesn't worth how much pain it caused for everyone who was involved. All I'm trying to tell you is my case is a dream comes true for many people who are involved in afairs, at least at this point I think it doesn't worth it. So think about it! trust me end it now and free yourself. This guy even wont consider leaving his wife and if you think he does read my story!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 October 2014): "But I just want to know am I a sitting duck until the next woman comes along who excites him enough to leave me in the dust?"
Only if you want to be, you are in control here. He is not worth it and he will never give you what you want. A relationship based on lies, cheating and hurting another person isn't a healthy foundation. He sounds like a cake eater, user and so on. But it's yourself you need to work on to see why you purposely put yourself into this terrible relationship which is making your life miserable.
"...reality has this ugly way of creeping in while you so desperately want to hang onto that fantasy.... clinging to it for dear life."
Base your life on reality, this relationship is it is based on lies, mostly told to yourself.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (24 October 2014):
 Interesting, how often OPs do it: omit in the main post relevant details that would change completely the perception of their story by the readers, and the readers' answers. Well, I suppose everybody has got the right to tell their story as they want, or as they want it to look... but then why bothering asking for advice ? They are asking for advice about all another story, without that little detail.
Take yours, for instance. You talk about sex and chemistry, yes, but also about emotional involvement, about committment, about ... fidelity in a way. Not to the wife , of course, but to you. You , on purpose or inadvertently, tend to give us the impression that this is a serious, committed, intense story that cannot be lived in the open, because, well, anybody would be hesitant to just throw away their spouse of decades, if nothing else out of pity for the betrayed , but if it wasn't for that pesky wife, you'd be free to live your mutual LOVE happily ever after.
Only, it isn't exactly so.
In one of your updates it turns out that he already dumped you three times, because you were getting too attached ( should we read clingy ? ) and not playing by his rules ( which, I suppose, include keeping things strictly casual and recreational ).
So, it's not that if he had no wife ( if this wife should leave him tomorrow, or, God forbid, die tomorrow ) he'd choose to spend the rest of his life with you.
He wants to play, and he'd still want to play. Just play. Have light hearted, drama-free, uninvolved sexual fun.
So, it's not just that you are in a vulnerable position because adulterine relationships put the mistress in a vulnerable position. You are in a vulnerable position because he's not that bothered; you are in an ON AND OFF relationship ,which is only on as long as you are nice and quiet , undemanding and compliant , and you do not annoy him with your emotional requets. When you do, he knows how to back off, and make you toe the line, and he has no particular qualms in doing it.
Therefore, you don't even have to PARTICULARLY fear that you'll lose him to another woman. You might lose him anyway, even without another lady on the scene. He is not afraid of letting you go- because he knows that he can get you back if he wants. But even if he does not get you back- apparently, he is not that worried about that. He can live with that very well- and probably just replace you with anybody else, as long as she is available, funloving and low maintenance too.
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A
female
reader, WhenCowsAttack +, writes (24 October 2014):
Oh, my, this man has his hands full, doesn't he? I'll bet when he started this affair he wasn't expecting to get a clingy, demanding, insecure mistress who mysteriously questions him and demands to know whether he likes other women, as though she were MARRIED to him or something.
Sorry, toots. You get zero sympathy or sugar coating from me. I feel so sorry for his poor wife. You actually ARE the very definition of homewrecker. You admit that you pushed him until he gave in to you. Sure, he is a cheating cad, but you...you are the sort of person that would have me watching my back if we were "friends". Where is your moral compass? Why are you so selfish? Seems to me YOU were the one looking for a conquest.
Deep down inside you know that what you're doing is downright evil. Take the high road. Give it up. Oh, and someone who has to resort to chasing after married men does NOT have "the whole package", as a huge part of that package is this little thing called integrity, a trait you definitely haven't displayed.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (24 October 2014):
 And here are your side effects in your own words: "I feel jealous and insecure even though I am a very attractive and confident woman who does have the total package. I want to trust him but I am afraid I just cannot. And I am making myself worry and I am constantly paranoid and emotionally unstable with anxiety and worry that he is going to do it to me or is already. Even though deep down I do not think so or believe it, the worry will always be there. And it is slowly eating my up inside."
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (24 October 2014):
Ok OP, the similarities are just so striking. The same tone, the same circumstances, etc.
Well, take a read through those posts as they may help you gather the strength to leave the toxic relationship.
It's like asking your doctor for help with your condition. Your doctor will tell you that in order to cure your condition, you will need to give up a certain item, say you love the taste of chocolate but it makes you feel ill and causes hives and anxiety. If you continue to eat the chocolate, you will continue to feel sick.
Many posters, such as yourself, write in to ask, "how can I adjust myself to the awful symptoms I feel when I eat chocolate?" when in fact they can't or won't see that the symptoms will end completely when they give chocolate up.
I think alcoholics experience something like this. They like the way they feel when they self-medicate through booze but the side effects are actually very toxic and could be lethal.
For whatever reason, you are self-medicating with this unavailable married man, and come up with all sorts of rationalizations about why it's okay, when the side effects are toxic to you.
Yes, a married man who has cheated on his wife with you, could well cheat on you, when things become routine. You're at the year and half mark and losing your self-esteem and if he grows bored of boosting that up, well, you aren't his wife. Pity, that.
Take your medicine and stop eating chocolate or using him like he's booze and you are a raging alcoholic. And if you can't do that, don't be surprised when your liver blows up or you wind up in the hospital.
When people ask for non-judgmental advice on here, it's my observation it's because they lack some common sense and judgment themselves and don't want the plain light of day on their situation.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 October 2014): It's the OP.
I just asked a question about my situation.
I am not that person.
But if you want to start a witch hanging with the wrong person, go ahead.
I think I have some sufficient food for thought.
Thanks everyone.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (24 October 2014):
 Thank you Tish you little Sherlock you. Get ready Folks, she's back.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (24 October 2014):
You pursued a married man, the relationship was a ridiculous drama from the get-go and you are still pfaffing around trying to rationalize things.
You got what you signed up for. An affair with a married man generally ends with the married man with his wife still and onto the next conquest. What part of this surprises you?
Take off the rose-colored glasses and find another outlet for the drama-seeking part of you.
You're right where you put yourself.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (24 October 2014):
It wouldn't happen to be this guy, would it? http://www.dearcupid.org/question/married-man-dumped-me-and-i-am-feeling.html
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 October 2014): OP again.
One thing I forgot to mention to you, Honeypie.
He has already left me three times because he felt I was getting too attached and as you said, not playing by the rules. But he came back to me every single time.
WHY?
Why did he not just MOVE ON TO THE NEXT? He had many opportunities to do that.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 October 2014): It's the OP.Thank you to everyone who answered. Honeypie, I work with him. There was this undeniable sexual attraction and chemistry between us. I am convinced that if he were not married, we would be in a legitimate relationship together. He was hesitant to get involved with me from the get go. He told me I am his first affair because he and his wife were (and are) no longer intimate. He did his best to stay away from me and not start an affair. It was me who pursued him and he finally let me catch him because I knew he wanted me. But he did resist and for some time. If I had given up, there would be no affair. But I never gave up. I know, I am a terrible person for knowingly pursuing a married man. Maybe I deserve whatever pain and devastation is coming to me in some way, shape or form. Whether it is my choice or his.The problem is he has been friendly with this other woman at work and generally gets on with women. He is not gorgeous and even out of shape and much older than me but what he has is this undeniable charm, which works in his favor. The fact he is around her or other women or even pays them attention bothers me to no end. And it eats me up inside because I worry now that we are approaching a year and a half in, he may be trying to charm his next possible conquest. Because he told me we have reached "comfort." Is this not the death blow of an affair? Yet then he says I am exciting and fun and our sex is still RAW and passionate.... neither of us expected it to still be this intense. But in order for me to maintain the intensity I have to keep my rose coloured glasses firmly on me. Because when I start to fear or doubt or mistrust or see THE REAL man in front of me, I start to get turned off... pull away, disappointed in MYSELF for being in this situation and in him for SELLING me a fantasy of himself... doing whatever he has to in order to keep me around for his own selfish needs. And for SELLING his wife an actual HUSBAND. One who is caring and devoted! REALLY??? I thought a year and a half is still NEW in a relationship. So I have called him on it... the fact he appears "friendly" to this woman... (and it could be any woman really) and he has denied it. Says he is happy with me and not looking. Think I already mentioned it in my original post. But what woman feels she needs to compete? Or feels the need to worry or be jealous around her man? What man is worth making her feel bad about herself? Insecure? That she is not good enough? That even though he says she is THE BEST, what happens if he is seeking the NEXT BEST sometime soon? I have had this worry all along. In fact, early on. Even while wearing the rose coloured glasses. And I have voiced my concerns about it over and over again. And he reassures me over and over again that I am wrong. He has said himself I will never trust him no matter what he does. If you are truly trustful and 100 per cent certain of his feelings and commitment to you, it would not matter what woman was around. And this woman in question is nowhere near as attractive as me or has the total package etc. But at the end of the day, NONE of that matters! It would just be a new, different conquest to sample! If he made me feel like he was truly committed to me, it would not bother me this way. It would not tear me up. Eat me up. Spit me out. Tear out my soul. The worry has become overwhelming and emotional damaging to me. Sometimes I feel better and at peace when he is gone away somewhere with his wife. At least I know he has the warden around!So...... Is he angling this woman as his next? Am I blowing it all out of proportion which is what he tells me? So, knowing how insecure I am and how I feel about cheating, would he even BE friendly with her IN FRONT of ME???? Said it is part of his job? She is a customer.I love him. I really do. This is why I have been here for so long. And why it is so hard to leave. I am still getting more happy things from the relationship. He is treating me well. He is not perfect and neither am I. I know I need to accept the nature of this relationship or get out. But it is hard to do either. Because I want the fairy tale but reality has come crashing in. And not necessarily the fairy tale ending although it would be nice but to keep that fairy tale going without him tossing me onto the used fantasy girl trash heap. AND, worst of all....I KNOW his DEMONS. I know them too well. And his DEMONS scare the hell out of me! Unfortunately, his demons play so well with mine!So, is my mistrust of him pushing him away... trying to lure in the next girl? But if I do not mistrust and just let it all go, he can do it anyway!There is NOTHING HARDER to go through!Really stuck here. :(
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (24 October 2014):
Constant worries, fears, nightmares, insecurities, no future plans, not the way I would want to spend my precious time on this earth. No late Christmas Eves sipping wine by the tree. Nobody I can count on to be there by my side if I were hurt or really sick. Nobody who really DOES agree with me that my grandkids are geniuses. Nobody I know I can reach over to, EVERY night, and pat on the butt while we are sleeping. Nope, I wouldn't want to miss out on that. I just wouldn't settle for less than the whole package, cause I think I'm worth the whole package.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (24 October 2014):
 Even if I don't agree with you, or your actions, I can try not to be too judgemental and give you my .2 cents.
You write:
*** I feel jealous and insecure even though I am a very attractive and confident woman who does have the total package.***
IF you have ALL this confidence and FEEL like a TOTAL package (which I have no doubt you ARE) then WHY are you settling for some other woman's leftovers? Because THAT is what you are getting now. Leftovers.
You write:
**How much is paranoia? How much is real worry?**
I'm not sure it's paranoia at all. Let's examine the facts.
Definition
Paranoia is an unfounded or exaggerated distrust of others, sometimes reaching delusional proportions. Paranoid individuals constantly suspect the motives of those around them, and believe that certain individuals, or people in general, are "out to get them."
I will point out the word UNFOUNDED. Is your worry/fear unfounded? No. Because he is MARRIED to someone else. HE is looking out for #1 (himself) rather than his WIFE or YOU.
And I will point out the "people are out the get them" part as well. NO one is out to "get you". So, NOT paranoia. I think it's your GUT screaming at you to see sense. To USE common sense.
In the beginning of seeing him you got hooked on a Oxytocin fantasy.Oxytocin, also known as the "love/lust" hormone. And it IS making you cling to a fantasy. Now 18 months in, you are no longer "riding" the high of the honeymoon phase and Oxytocin, which is WHY you are starting to doubt what's going on.
Maybe (I hope) you are also starting to examine YOUR own actions and culpability in this. Because you ARE in "this" with your eyes open. YOU know you are having an affair with a married man. WHICH means there is a 3rd person in this "relationship" that you are TOTALLY disregarding. The wife. I can understand WHY you don't WANT to consider her in your choices, actions and so forth, but since he has ALREADY told you.... HE ISN'T leaving her, she SHOULD be considered. He isn't leaving because he still LOVE her (he may not be IN love with her), and he is COMFORTABLE with her and his MARRIAGE to HER.
You also write:
***He is comfortable with his wife and not leaving. I am not totally okay with this but I have accepted it.***
You are not totally OK with it, but have accepted it. WHY? WHY are you settling for 1/4 of a man? Because the WIFE get 3/4, you... get what's left. No holiday, no vacations, no family events - none of that. Do you deep down think he will EVENTUALLY leave her for you? Because he MUST love you more than her? After all he is cheating on her.. (he is cheating on you too.... the only difference is... YOU know about it, she doesn't).
Are all men who cheat the same? Obviously not. That is like saying all yellow flowers look the same, and there we have buttercups and daffodils.
Do they ALL have the same MO? Obviously not. However, it does seem to be that MEN (and women) who cheat feels a sense of entitlement that makes them think it's OK to do what they do. Like with your man. HE thinks what he is doing TO you and WITH you is OK, because YOU agreed to it. Cheater logic. If you started to push for more? He would turn on you on a dime.He would find someone else to cheat with. That really wouldn't surprise me. Because YOU "broke" the agreement and wanted more, which means in HIs eyes you are no longer playing by THE rules (which he set by the way).
The rose tinted lust glasses have come off (if only temporarily) for you. Because you KNOW you DESERVE more. Because you WANT more. But instead of saying - this is NOT what I really want (as you clearly stated... ***I am not totally okay with this but I have accepted it.***) YOUR gut has been TRYING to tell you this, and instead of listening you are trying to find faults with yourself. What if I'm not good enough? What if I'm wasting my time? What if he find someone else? What if...
HE has CLEARLY stated (and VERY early on in the relationship) that he is NOT GOING to leave his wife. Are you not hearing it? OR ignoring that part, hoping if the sex is "good enough" he will change his mind? If ONLY you LOVE him enough he WILL want what YOU want. Which is (I quote you again) ***maybe one day our relationship could become official***
YOUR relationship can NOT be exclusive or official. EVER.
BECAUSE HE IS MARRIED AND HAVE NO INTENTIONS OF LEAVING HER.
You see what I'm getting at?
Now I have a couple of questions if you don't mind?
HOW did you end up with a married man in the first place? Did you know he was married? Or did he withhold the "married" part that first month he pursued you?
If you didn't KNOW, why did you continue when he told you?
If you DID know, why even start a relationship? I mean have you EVER put yourself in the wife's shoes? (which is kind of where you are now - you are worrying that the man he "sold" you on is a fantasy. That the REAL guy you are having an affair with is NOt such a great guy after all.) Imagine for a minute how SHE must feel if she found out?
Take a look at yourself. You are DOUBTING yourself now. Because..? you agreed to something you don't really believe in or really want. YOU are hoping people will tell you that having an affair can make for a happy ending for the OW (other woman - aka you). IT rarely does. An affair ends up with two women (in your case) who get their hearts broken over ONE UNFAITHFUL, LYING and SELFISH man.
You have said that you FEEL like you are a total package, so WANT a total package in return. A married man CAN NOT give you that. ALL he can give you is temporary fantasy bliss.
The guy doesn't even WANT your total package. He just want to USE it now and then.
WANT more for yourself. And don't worry whether HE will cheat on you or not.. WORRY about why YOU are CHEATING yourself out of having a good, solid, strong and healthy relationship with a guy you do NOT have to share.
I don't know if that helps in any way, but that was my .2 cents.
I wish you well.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (24 October 2014):
I can only think of one thing that's always 100 percent sure to happen, and this is death ( sorry for the gloomy reminder ). For all the rest, go figure, it's difficult to work out an exact stat with risk percentages, precisely because not all men ( cheaters and not cheaters ) are the same, each one is an individual with his own actions, reactions and choices. But, generally speaking, no,yours it's not paranoia, it's an actual risk. It's a definite possibility, if not a probability.
As you said, you can't count much on a cheater's loyalty, integrity and reliability. A cheater is not someone who will TRY hard to stay true to his committments, and will face a possible crisis, or moment of boredom ,of insatisfaction in his relationship, with the spirit of working on things and wheather them through ( Not that this is always possible, alas, but a non - cheater will make an earnest TRY ). The cheater will just go look for a replacement, for something that offers the same benefits with less efforts and inconveniences. As , he did before to his wife.
What you write in your post sounds typical of what I just said. Your relationship is based on being fun, hot, exciting, still NEW. You provide kicks- not just sexual kicks, OK. But basically he's with you because it is thrilling ( and, being secret contributes to the thrills, no doubt ) ; it's like being in Dysneyland. But- once there was only one Dysneyland, in Anahaim, CA. Then they opened up the bigger better fancier newer flashier one in Florida, and guess where all the people wanted to go then.
As for emotional involvement... you know about YOURS, as for him he does not sound so involved , he is staying at home with his wife , does not plan to leave her , does not plan to make you official and permanent, how " involved " can he be ? Who is really involved thinks in terms of future , of projectuality.
Although , if by emotional involvement, you mean that he does not see you just as a piece of fresh meat where he can stick his d..k into, I agree, if he is minimally intelligent and sophisticated, he will want more than just that from a lover, he will want someone engaging his attention with a bit more than just her body or performances. But , from assuming he is a choosy guy - and assuming real feelings, and real committment from someone who right now is sitting at home with his wife ,nice, smug and comfy... eeehhh.
He says he is not "looking ". That , I believe it. But, will he keep not looking , when from exciting novelty you will have graduated to ( or , be demoted to ) pleasant, relaxing habit ? And, will he stay strong if THEY come looking for him ?...
With his track record, maybe yes maybe not. But probably, more maybe not than maybe yes.
So, how do you trust... ? You can't of course. Not 100%.
I think there's only two solutions to your dilemma:
1 ) if you can't stand the heat, get out of the kitchen NOW. I think you knew that " the way you get them is the way you lose them ", and that the possibility of him doing to you just what he did to his wife was implied since the beginning. If you can't live with this, if jealousy and insecurity and worry give you too much pain- let it go. ALL relationships, adulterine or not, are supposed, in theory ,to make you happier, and your life better. If they make you more miserable, what's the point ?
2 ) Take a more philosophical attitude, and live in the here and now. For today you are happy, and having fun, tomorrow que sera sera. Be glad and grate for what you got yesterday and for what you are getting today, rather than lamenting what you could lose tomorrow. If you can't live by this rule- you are really not cut out to be a mistress.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (24 October 2014):
 you know, at least he hasn't signed a contract stating he will forsake all others and to be with you only until death does you part... so you have one up on the wife he DID sign that contract with ..... but on the other hand he still cheated on her with you despite those vows and declarations of undying love so really there isn't hope there for you with regard to it 'one day becoming official' and if it did become official and he did cheat on you, because after all that is what he is, a cheater and he probably tells his wife lies so he can be with you so he is in fact a liar and a cheater ..... what has he done to suggest he will treat you any different to his current wife if you and he ever become 'official'?
I think you have hitched your cart to the wrong horse if you are looking for a man who wont cheat on you, just look at his track record.
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