A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hi please help me if you can,I am 43 and have been divorced for 3 years. Last year I met a man who was 40 and we were together for 8 months. Things between us ended when he admitted that he was still using the internet to meet other women and had 'had coffee' with a couple of them. I felt really hurt but because we got on I decided to forgive him and see how things worked out. We spent many happy times together, took trips and met eachothers families. Then he told me suddenly that he just wanted to be friends. He was very emotional and cried when he said this. He said he was confused and didnt know what he wanted. We stopped seeing each other and I moved away.Six months passed and I thought of him all the time. Out of the blue and on a very low day I called him and we had a lovely conversation ending in him asking to see me again. He came to my new house and he kissed and hugged me like we had never been apart. He asked to share my bed and took me away on a special weekend to the coast. While there we walked hand in hand along the beach and he told me how special I was to him and that I had no idea what I meant to him. All was well until we arrived back at his house (He had asked me to stay over night)we got all cosy on the couch and then he turned to me and said 'Im going to say something your not going to like, I need to go online and speak to a woman because I want to go on a date with her next week'I felt like I had been slapped in the face. Quickly and quietly I gathered my stuff and told him I had to go home. He started to cry and before I left he handed me a christmas card thanking me for 'being the person that I am' The card said 'to a special friend'I feel devestated as I adore this man and I have no idea what he really wants from me. I never agreed to be a 'friend with benefits' I thought as he had come back to me with such affection that he wanted to rekindle our relationship. I fel in my heart that I have love feelings for him and even though he probably knows his actions hurt me, he accepts no responsibilty or gives no explaination.I feel if I confront him that I will lose him from my life forever. I think I am just hoping he will change and come back to me if, indeed, I mean so much to him.Is this likely to happen? Why is he doing this?He has been divorced for a year and also still sees his ex wife from time to time. He tells me he cant stand her so why still see her? and I wonder if he feels the same about me but just cant tell me.I am tearing myself up inside and cant date anyone else until I know the truth. I have tried to ask him but he avoids giving a reason and just says he doesn't want to lose me.Please Please Please tell me what you think is going on here!!! How can I deal with this without going completely insane.I would particularly apreciate any answers from older people who have been in my position.Thankyou
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2008): I saw him again this weekend. He phoned me before he arrived and asked me if I thought we should get back together again as he thought a lot of me. I said we could talk about it when he got here. He came, brought flowers and a silver necklace and earrings for me. He then told me he had been on the internet the night before, met a woman and taken her out on a date and felt that she was the one for him. He even showed me a picture of her. She had a very low cut top on and a tattoo on her left breast (nothing like me, as I am tall and well dressed and blonde). I told him that I couldn't believe he was doing this to me and did he know it was causing me indescribable pain. He said he didn't want me to feel like that and wanted us to stay friends. I asked him to leave and he began to get tearful and said 'I know I will see you again'.I now know he will not see me again. It is painful but thanks to your helpful advice I have seen the light and turned my back on him for good.God bless you all, your words changed my life for the better xxxxx
A
female
reader, sappygirl  +, writes (8 December 2008):
 Too keep it short and simple...he is using you.
He doesn't want you and see no future with you.
But he is keeping you around to fullfill his needs when other women aren't around to do the job.
Because you made the initial contact, he has it in his head that you are crazy about him and therefore he's able to treat you like crap because you like him too much.
Let this jerk go. You deserve to be with someone who will love you back. Don't wait around for him or you will be waiting around forever.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2008): I'm 53, and my boyfriend who's going through a divorce recently ended things with me. Actually he didn't even have the guts to end it, he just disappeared after telling me for 16 months how much he loved me and wanted to marry me. Anyway, I've done a lot of thinking and reading over the last couple of months about people going through a divorce - I've never been married myself - and I think someone in that position isn't in an emotional place to make a committment to another person. You've been divorced also, but 3 years ago. Would you have been ready for a serious relationship a year after your divorce? Maybe you would have, but everyone is different. Maybe your guy has a lot of issues left from his marriage that prohibit him from getting emotionally attached right now. My boyfriend was married 15 years to a very heavy woman. Several years ago she had a gastric bypass and lost tons of weight. Suddenly she's able to attract other men, and he's no longer good enough for her. She initiated the divorce and this has left him with a very low self esteem. I don't know for sure since he didn't bother to give me a reason for leaving, but my guess is that for a while my loving him gave him an ego boost, but that wore off and now he needs it from someone else. Maybe yours has a similar need. But honestly, whatever the reason, he isn't being very kind to you. To interrupt a date with you as you're getting physically cosy to contact another woman is not only unkind, it's emotionally cruel. I read on another website that "hurt people hurt people" and this is so true. Maybe he's hurt and trying to dull the pain with lots of women, or maybe he's just a jerk. Either way the end result is the same for you. Do yourself a favor and stay away from him before your own self esteem takes a hit. Your love will not change him or magically make him want you and only you. I think he knows how to reel you in with his words and tears, and plays the game well to keep you around. Don't fall for it. Mine was full of sweet words as well, and now here I am, alone again with all sorts of unanswered questions and pain. But I'll live and so will you, and we'll go on to find someone more worthy of our love. Lots of luck to both of us!!!!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2008): Hi there.This sounds quite similar to my situation.I am 24,and i like a 43 year old.He has been broken up with his ex for just over a year now.I'll tell you some things he has said and done to me so far.He has stood near me when i have been talking to other people,he has winked at me afew times,he told his friends he likes me but he doesnt want to hurt me,he was sat next to me once,and got up to walk past me,and as he got up,he touched my leg and held my hand as he walked past.And once,i was stood next to him,and he put his arm round me,and kept stroking my neck and hair.We started to tex each other alot,and talk on msn,and we would put kisses on the end of our messages.
However,he told me he wants to be with me,but he isnt sure what he wants,and he wants me to give him time,and just be friends for now.There have been moments when i have tried to talk to him,and he hasnt spoken to me for a while,and times when he has tried to talk to me,and i havent spoken to him for a while,both because we have both been upset or angry about some things.
One night,he found out his ex had moved in with someone else,and he couldnt stop looking at his mobile phone,and looked depressed.He also said she still goes to his house,although it was afew months ago when he said that,but he said she just went there because some of her stuff is still there.He also has some photos of her on a social networking site he is on.He also added me to his friends list on that website,he sent me the friend request.Most recently,i noticed he had put a photo of his ex on an application on there,which is called hot,cute or ok ?.Other members of the website have to say what they think of his ex,whether she is hot,cute or ok.This really upset me and ruined my self esteem.I just wish he would get over her and move on.I know they were together for a long time,but they have been split up for over a year.At the moment,i havent spoken to him for a while,and i'm not sure if i will again or not.
I'm sorry that i dont have any advice,as i'm not even sure what to do about my own problem,i just wanted you to know that you arent alone in your situation.I know it helps me to know that other people are in the same situation.
Nothing has happened between us,by the way.We havent done anything sexual,and havent even kissed !.I also dont mind about the age gap.
I agree with the other poster here though,it goes seem like stringing along,in both situations.I know it can be hard to cut off contact completely.Sometimes,when i havent spoken to this guy,he asks whats up,or says are we not talking to each other anymore ?.I dont know if he really misses me or feels hurt when i dont talk to him,or if he's just pretending he does.It's hard to tell.I havent seen him in person for ages either.He mainly just talks to me on the internet.
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