A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have been with my girlfriend for about a year and half and, about two months ago I thought I fell out of love with her after moving to uni. To see if this was true I decided it was best we went on a break. She lives about four miles away in other student halls. After being on the break for two weeks I decided to end the relationship because I felt no feelings had changed. I thought it was best fairest on her and best for me. She was more than devastated. However, two weeks after splitting I realised I made the biggest mistake of my life and got back with her. I was so greatful that she took me back and we are now more in love than we ever were. I think may have been foolishly infatuated when I first got to uni (although I never cheated or slept with anyone whilst we were apart) or maybe I split with her simply because it was such a huge change in our lives which took me by suprise! My problem is that I found out, after about 3-4 days of getting back with her, that she slept with the same boy three times. I have to say, I was agonized and diturbed. Not only that but it was all my fault.... If I wasn't so naive by splitting up with her then this, probably, wouldn't have happened. However, it's still getting at me after a month and after finding out that she went round to his room on more than a couple of occations and 'just watched tv' etc tells me that they got quite close. I have to say..... She lied a few times before telling me the truth and i'm not utterly convinced they just watched tv. I'm very worried that she got close to this boy when we were seperated. It's the only thing on my mind... It's affecting my work and my social life. My girlfriend is upset because I am upset and there doesn't seem to be anything I can do about it. I completely understand that it was her business what she got up to when we were sepertated but 'knowing' that doesn't help the pain. I'm also upset that it was quite soon after we split that she jumped into bed with somebody else because she was never that type of person. She's modest, kind and loving and I just don't understand. I just want to get over it because thinking of them getting close just hurts so much.... But at the same time I feel I want answers and the 'truth'. I don't know what to do. I'm all over the place at he moment. Please, What is my problem and how do I forget?
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2008): You said:
"I know if I want the relationship to work I should just move on but then I will always be thinking at the back of my mind 'what if she's lying?"
I am suggesting to you:
If you cannot trust her and believe her now, why will it be different in the future?
If she cannot be honest with you now, you have every reason to doubt her word in the future.
What kind of a relationship will it be? Based on lies?
Love, respect, honesty and communication are important to form a happy and lasting relationship.
Think carefully!
A
male
reader, newambition  +, writes (15 December 2008):
Either way it's your fault because you started the break. I'm considering something similar and have to accept that she can have sex with other guys during that time. Second, I think a lot of the posters here are prude sexually. Have some confidence in yourself and what you can do. And variety is the spice of life. You could be the best lover ever, but you'd never be able to be someone else!Finally, try again to put this in perspective. You got her back and now you're more in love than ever! This haunting that you must deal with matches up exactly with the urge you had to start your break in the first place. Consider that the guy she slept with has helped her understand why she really wants to be with YOU the rest of her life!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2008): This comes up over and over again. It's not that difficult to avoid. Relationship separation rules REALLY need to include specifying ahead of time whether sex with others is allowed or not. Nobody seems to approach this topic before it happens and then everyone always gets burned over it. It's almost like a pre-nup in that way.
And it's usually the men that get burned here. A man who just separated from his GF generally has to actively seek out sex to get it. Whereas the recently separated woman only needs to stop turning sex down when the other guys start making moves.
To the OP:
What she did hurts so much because your natural emotional programming is calling it cheating. It takes time for any breakup to sink in emotionally, and you two got back together so quickly that it never really even ended at all in your heart.
Technically it was supposed to be a "breakup" at the time. But in the days before birth control and DNA testing, that verbal technicality did nothing to stop the man in your position from accidentally raising the other man's child for the next 20 years. And that is what all our emotional programming is really built around.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOk, as emporessystique advised we talked it out once and for all just so I felt I had the truth and so she could get anything off her chest. We spoke for hours, She said some things that obviously hurt a bit so I really felt I was getting the truth. However, when we were nearing the end of the conversation I asked her when she went to Pizza Hut with her flatmates. I only asked out of curiosity because we were getting everything off our chests. Plus I knew she held hands and kissed him on the way back because she had told me that on a previous date. Anyway, she said Thursday. I proceeded to tell her that I knew she didn't because she did something else that night, without going into detail. She then said Tues or Wed but she can't quite remember. I then proceeded to tell her that that was also false because she did other things. I proposed to her that she did it on the weekend before we 'officially' split up (which was on the monday) and we were on a 'break'. She Lied and said it couldn't have been.... This is it, she has been lying to me so many times. I have told her I don't care what they did together I just want the truth so that I know I can trust her in the future. Anyway. She persisted in telling me it was sunday and the lightly kissed and it was nothing. Lies. She then told me that it was the thursday before and they had kissed before that also. Is this the truth? I don't know.... I don't know what to believe. She has lied to me so many times over the past month aswell. I really don't trust her. She always lies even when I say that I don't care how much it hurts etc. She says that she is scared of hurting me but then I think.... That's not a reason to lie because you can lie all the time so you don't hurt people. She can lie to me for the rest of my life so she doesn't hurt me. I don't get it. I can't trust her but I love her. How important is trust? I'm thinking I may need to end the relationship even though I really, really don't want to. She has told me her full story and some things don't fit. But I don't know if I should move on or not. I know if I want the relationship to work I should just move on but then I will always be thinking at the back of my mind 'what if she's lying?'
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 December 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you very much ladies. I took something from what each of you said. It will take time but I really need to work on this because I love her more than anything. I do not want to lose her, and although she probably wouldn't leave me any time soon (regardless of the questions), I know that as time goes by she would only start to resent me, even if it's a few years from now. I'm not going to ask any more questions... I may consider going to the gym to bash it out if I feel the need too.
I understand that she did this because it took her mind off me. This guy wanted her and, because of his utter dis-respect for women, he saw this as his chance to strike. When she was at her weakest and most vulnerable. She had no, long-term feelings for him although he made her feel good at the time. The guy that she slept with, slept with another girl around the same time.... So it gives you an idea of what time of bloke he is anyway.
I love her more than anything and she loves me. That's all that matters now. I'm going to look into the future and make sure we have the best life together possible.
The points which have stook in my head the most are as follows;
"If she loves you, she loves you."
"A little bit of advice? Do NOT keep bringing this up with her"
"Try to let it go and focus on how to make things wonderful between you both"
"this is a big lesson for you to learn what happens when you reject someone."
"Please don't pressure her about it. Jealousy has no place in a relationship"
"She was wounded by your rejection and sought comfort with someone else that wanted her when you didn't."
"She was vunerable."
"She probably was convinced that you two were completely over."
"If you really want to make it work. The only way is to forgive yourself and esp. HER. We all make mistakes and take it as a lesson learned."
Thanks for all your help!!
xx
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 December 2008): i find the women's response to this question quite pathetic, it just shows you how weak and vulnerable women are emotionally, it's just an excuse for women to go out and have no strings attached sex without looking like a total slut, they can just use the excuse "it was rebound sex"....no it wasn't it was "i'm using this as an excuse to get no strings attached sex". it's the same when women go away on holidays when they're out of the view of the local scene or parish, they get as much sex as possible in as their morals go out the window.
if a bloke went out and did the same after been dumped by his gf, women would say "you made the right decision, he probably never loved you if he was out having sex so soon after".
the fact of the matter is is that women are weaker than men (on the whole, i'm not tarring every woman with the one brush here) so it looks like your gf is one of these girls who needs her ego to be boosted by having sex with someone different coz if she didn't do it she really wouldn't have been able to survive as there's nothing else in life other than a bloke screwing her to make her feel like a human being. if she feels that low that she has to have sex she must have seriously low self esteem.
if your gf is trustworthy aside from this excuse for casual sex, then i would just forget about it and if you still love her, stick with it and just best off not knowing any more details.
best of luck.
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A
female
reader, sappygirl +, writes (8 December 2008):
 Men are possessive and that includes their women.
Because she has been with another man..you don't see her as YOURS anymore. Even though you are back together...inside you are crush because thoughts of another man being with her will always fill your mind.
Therefore, it's hard to give completely to her,with the though of knowing that she could run out and be with another man so quickly.
The fact of the matter is..she did not cheat on you.
you broke her heart, rejected her, and like everyone else stated..it was rebound sex to get over you.
We women do this...it's not right, but it does help and lessen the pain. You see..if we sleep with another man, we will be distancing ourselves from you..and therefore able to move on from you..someone we associate with the cause of the pain and rejection.
She probably was convinced that you two were completely over.
Also..who ever she slept with probably was saying and doing all the right things to make her feel sexy, wanted and desirable. Something you didn't when you broke her heart. She was vunerable.
If you really want to make it work. The only way is to forgive yourself and esp. HER. We all make mistakes and take it as a lesson learned. If you can't find it in your heart to forgive her, then it's time to let her go for good. And forgiveness meaning to not bring it up, and to absolutely move on and not look back.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2008): She was wounded by your rejection and sought comfort with someone else that wanted her when you didn't. She was unfair to herself and the other guy for doing this if she has no feelings for him, but she really was NOT unfair to you. You left her, she didn't know you would want her back, and at that time she didn't owe you any loyalty. Of course you know all this. Don't beat yourself up thinking that if you hadn't broken it off with her none of this would have happened. You did what you thought you needed to at the time, and it sounds like the separation actually strengthened your love for her. Please don't pressure her about it. Jealousy has no place in a relationship - it will only drive her away. I truly understand your pain. It would hurt me as well if my guy hopped in bed with another woman so quickly, and even the knowledge that it was out of pain instead of love wouldn't help much. But if you love her you've got to get past it, or once again you will be going your separate ways.
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A
female
reader, Teacake +, writes (8 December 2008):
 The thing is when you broke things off and broke her heart, she needed a way to deal with it and usually people find rebound sex. This never really helps, but its what people do.
This is your problem alone and it is not fair to ask her for details since you were separated and even told her you thought you no longer loved her. This is not cheating on her part. She was rejected and did what she needed to do for comfort.
You won't be able to forget it, but you need to find a way to deal with it and accept it that you brought this on. Also, this is a big lesson for you to learn what happens when you reject someone. Certainly she suffered more by your rejecting her than what you are dealing with now.
You need to understand that this is part of life and you can't control what others do. She has no obligation to tell you "the truth" and people will lie when they feel cornered. Stop asking her what she did or this will be the focus of the relationship.
This is your problem and you should not make it her problem or a problem for you both as a couple. She needed comfort and that's how she tried to find it. You brought it on which is not saying that it is a put down, but that your actions caused her to react that way.
Try to let it go and focus on how to make things wonderful between you both. Good luck!
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